The ramblings of a VERY confused girl...

So I've been going through really tough times for me emotionally, intellectually, mentally, spiritually, and pretty much any other way you can have a tough time. Except for perhaps physically, I s'pose...

First, let's go with spiritually.
I was thinking about life and the future and what will happen to me, and I eventually came up with this desire for life to have no meaning. That there was no Heaven or Hell. That there wasn't even a God. That I would just die and that would be that. Then at least there would be no pain or awareness, where I'd have to think and do things and undergo hardships for the sake of my faith so that I won't go to Hell.

But the thing is, I know I'm not supposed to be thinking this way. And I'm not really sure I'm thinking this way anymore, now that I'd confronted this thought in my head. For one thing, you're not supposed to believe in God so that you don't go to Hell. You're supposed to love God because He's just amazing and He loves you SO much, that you can't help loving Him back. I think I'm having a problem understanding and feeling His love for me. I think I'm having a problem truly believing I am saved. Lately I've been feeling so... just so... FILTHY with sin that I can't stand it, and thus I wished that life really had no meaning, cuz then sin wouldn't exist, right?

Another issue that bothered me was that of predestination (sorry for all the religious talk, but I really need to get this out of my head). I wonder whether that is true or not - that God would only choose certain people to be saved. If so, what if someone wanted to be saved, and believed in God, but because God had condemned him from being saved, that person had to live his life knowing in the end he'd go to Hell? Why would you live?
Then again, if that person really wasn't "chosen" then he wouldn't have even believed in God in the first place, right? Cuz God wouldn't have opened his heart....

But I can't believe this. I can't. I refuse to believe that my God can be like that... when He's supposed to be fair and just and merciful, and most importantly, loving, of ALL his creations, whether they love Him back or not.

Yet, why am I still tortured by this thought, then?

Well, that's that for my spiritual torments... though truly I could go much, MUCH deeper.

Next... emotions...
I've been really moodly lately as well. And very, very sensitive. I don't show that I've been affected by what people say to me, but on the inside I dwell on the words they've spoken long after they've said it. I remember what they said and try to interpret it as to whether they meant that to be mean or they just weren't thinking at the time. I feel hurt and yet try to give them the benefit of the doubt, and yet at the same time I find myself growing angry at what they said and I just can't forget it... sometimes for months...

One day I exploded at one of my friends for something that I s'pose was partly his fault, but also mine, cuz I had no right to be so rude and irritated... well, irritated at him, maybe. But not so rude and mean as I was...
Things escalated even after school and it got to the point where I just didn't want to see his face. But, eventually, with some prodding by another friend of ours, we talked and apologized and things are cool now.

Today my day was going superbly - until lunch time. Which is weird cuz lunch is my favorite time of the school day. Something happened towards the end of lunch that I just couldn't stop thinking about (me and my sensitivity... and my paranoia... and my being a hopeless romantic who is in fact growing impatient... XD).

Other days I try to stop myself from crying in front of someone, from the smallest thing. Perhaps my dad would snap at me for something that was clearly my fault, and I knew it, and yet I'd feel the tears welling up and my lip start to tremble. Or maybe a friend would tell me something and I felt like (s)he was annoyed with me. I hate how I'm so weak and paranoid like that sometimes.

Why do I cry? For what reasons? The fact that I am being scolded? Or being corrected? Why are those bad things? Being corrected is a good thing. Scolded for things I've done badly are good too. Those lectures or correctings will help me develop, so why do I cry? I can't really understand it myself, but I think it's cuz I just don't want to be yelled at, period. It breaks me down. I think it's cuz I'm weak emotionally. And mentally. (the mere fact that I'm speculating my emotional and mental weakness is a sign.) I can't handle criticizm, and I hate that, cuz some criticizm is necessary. I think this has something to do with my fear of failure.. but that's another story. (perfectionism... *sigh*)

Intellectally, meaning schoolwise, I'm under a lot of stress right now. A lot of the burden has been lifted since the AP exams are done with, and I just took my Wind Symphony auditions today, so that's done, and I haven't had much hw. But I have a book project for my english class that I'm totally screwed over for (probably along with the rest of my classmates, XD), and my chem grade has been steadily getting lower... I think I'm just being nitpicky again, but as I said in my very first post, I am a perfectionist. At this point in my life, it's more of a curse than a gift.

Overall I just feel very insecure about myself, my life, and the people around me. I don't really know what triggered this all, cuz I usually appear to be a happy-go-lucky girl. I guess I'm finally starting to grow up.

And guess what?

I hate it.

Jenn