Happiness

I just felt like listing all the things I'm thankful for. :) So here goes. I am thankful for...

-family
-friends
-guitar
-music
-writing
-rain
-moon & stars
-sun
-smiles
-hugs
-love
-imagination
-laughter
-vacation
-oceans, swimming pools
-forests
-paintings
-disneyland
-roller coasters
-color
-books
-blankets
-water
-food
-emotions
-Jesus

and probably lots of other things too...but those things come to mind at the moment. Happy Thanksgiving!

<3
Stephanie

i cannot hide my heart and mind

i don't know where to begin. blast in? ease my way? i don't even know what my intentions are in writing this blog. i hear fire engines outside. i hope whatever is wrong will get better....there are so many more important things happening out in the world. people in dire need of help. i want to help them. i want to leave my mark on the world. but for the moment i can barely help myself. so how do i help others? how do i push everything i feel inside me out of the way? it's impossible. and that scares me.

i used to ask myself what i was possibly doing, letting myself keep loving someone even when that person felt nothing for me whatsoever. i realize now that he felt nothing. he truly didn't care about how i felt. has he changed now? will he change? i don't know. i hope so. it's such a sinking feeling....loving like that, and knowing you're the only one who can feel it.

and that love makes everything else hard, too...when you care about someone and want them to be happy. so you're happy when they're happy. but it's not enough. you want him to be happy with you. even when you try to keep feeling happy for him, keep encouraging him to follow his own dreams, you can't keep it up for long. eventually you remember what you really want. and you can't have it.

and then, you can't stop it. you can't stop caring, even when you're sooo angry for his carelessness, his stubborness, his inability to understand how hard it is unless you tell it straight out. cause you don't want to have to talk. you wish he'd just understand.

i wish i could fix this. fix it up, make it better....i wish everyone could be happy.

but it's just too hard.

.stephanie.

All You Need Is Love...

Cliche? Perhaps... but true? Definitely.

But I don't want you to be confused. By love, I don't mean a relationship where all you do is hug and kiss and talk about TV shows and your favorite colors. I mean love. The kind that keeps you up at night, when you realize that you don't want to be with anyone else except that person. The kind that makes your heart flutter and your stomach drop. The kind of love that... when you're with your special someone, you feel completely at ease... relaxed... content. Not just happy. Happy can come and go in a second. Content is when everything and everyone is gooood. Nothing can ruin the state of mind you're in when you're with that person, and you forget every worry, every annoyance, everything that would otherwise ruin your day. All you need is the love that makes you feel this way.

That being said, I really am sad for those people who believe they'll never find love or otherwise stop searching for it, completely shut down their emotions. It hurts me to see people building a wall between them self and the potential of loving someone. Trying to ignore the feeling is like ignoring a fire that's burning your house down while you're in it. Eventually, you have to get out, and eventually, you have to find love. Will it suck sometimes along the way? Of course. Life is unfair, and when you think you love someone and it turns out one or the other feels differently, it hurts. Sometimes you can't find someone right away. But maybe you aren't supposed to. Maybe that special someone is waiting for the perfect moment in your life to arrive. And nothing is more amazing than the feeling you get when you realize that you've met the person you could spend the rest of you life with. Nothing.

I once tried to shut down my emotions for someone. When he showed no interest and ignored me, I tried to stop liking him, move my attention to other places. To spare the details, I'll tell you in short. It doesn't work. When you have strong, loving emotions for someone, it's... impossible to douse them. You can try to stomp on the emotion, throw a blanket over it, stop drop and roll to try and get it off of you... it won't work. Eventually the person you're trying to not think about is all you think about... just trying not to think about them means you're thinking about them. It's useless to try and rid your mind and heart of the feelings you have for someone, and unless you pursue that person or make some sort of an effort to at least find out if they like you back or not, to try and tie off loose ends... you'll never be satisfied. When you're dealing with heavy things like your mental state of mind, you can't just throw it to the side. You need to confront it, deal with it, then decide what to do with your conclusion. Do they like you back? Wonderful, date them. Love them. They don't? Mope, eat ice cream, then get back out into the real world with a fresh attitude that there are 6 billion people in the world... one's bound to be for you.

I stress this idea of finding love because as teenagers, we are told we don't know true love. I say screw that. What makes a grown man know more love than a 17-year-old boy? They both have the same hormonal instincts, who's to say that a 36-year-old man doesn't run his relationships by his urges rather than his heart? Who's to say that a 17-year-old boy doesn't run his relationship with his heart rather than his urges? The truth is, we all run by our urges... that's how we're made. But when you get past that, when you discover a person's mind, attitude, and way of life, when you discover who they are past all the physical "stuff"... you find love. Real love.
And I feel like I have had the joy of finding that kind of love. Which is why I urge you to find it, too, because it is honestly the most. marvelous, incredible, fantastic, unbelievable. feeling.



ever.

-Laurissa