i don't know where to begin. blast in? ease my way? i don't even know what my intentions are in writing this blog. i hear fire engines outside. i hope whatever is wrong will get better....there are so many more important things happening out in the world. people in dire need of help. i want to help them. i want to leave my mark on the world. but for the moment i can barely help myself. so how do i help others? how do i push everything i feel inside me out of the way? it's impossible. and that scares me.
i used to ask myself what i was possibly doing, letting myself keep loving someone even when that person felt nothing for me whatsoever. i realize now that he felt nothing. he truly didn't care about how i felt. has he changed now? will he change? i don't know. i hope so. it's such a sinking feeling....loving like that, and knowing you're the only one who can feel it.
and that love makes everything else hard, too...when you care about someone and want them to be happy. so you're happy when they're happy. but it's not enough. you want him to be happy with you. even when you try to keep feeling happy for him, keep encouraging him to follow his own dreams, you can't keep it up for long. eventually you remember what you really want. and you can't have it.
and then, you can't stop it. you can't stop caring, even when you're sooo angry for his carelessness, his stubborness, his inability to understand how hard it is unless you tell it straight out. cause you don't want to have to talk. you wish he'd just understand.
i wish i could fix this. fix it up, make it better....i wish everyone could be happy.
but it's just too hard.
.stephanie.
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what you say is true, about wanting to be a part of that person's life to encourage, support, and to love and that being difficult when it's not returned... and it is difficult to be happy all the time... i mean, we're human. we go through disappointment, loss, misunderstanding, etc. but we also go through joy, prosperity, love...
but it's a struggle, a fight. and sometimes in fights you have to give up in order to gain. i think in your case, you have to give him up in order to gain. to gain new love, new happiness... if you hold on to one person who you don't know if they're going to change, and you can't change them... it's a wasted effort. i've seen it too much with my sisters... all three of us think that if we just hold on a little longer, we can change the person.
anyway, my point i'm trying to make is this, like i said in my last blog: there's 6 billion people in this world. one of them is waiting for you, and how will you be able to find them when you're holding on to someone who can't return the feelings you have for him?
-l
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