Confusion

There are days when everything in the world seems perfect and wonderful. I walk around the campus of my school in an amazing mood, and I slip easily into hyperness with friends. And there are other days when things hit me, like pieces of lead, and I feel like a wanna collapse and just lie on the ground and wait for my life to sort itself out. That's how complicated my life is. But doesn't everyone face confusion and strife? It's all just part of being human, even if sometimes it feels like I'm the only one with problems. But all of us have our days, and what always comes out of them is growth of spirit and strength. It's the feeling that--if I survived this day, I can survive tomorrow too, right?

Today was kinda one of those days. It was interesting, though, because school was really great. My math test went well, APEL was very chill, etc. I was even in a SUPER good mood after school. But even when my day starts out great, there's always some little thing that reminds me of all the confusion and uncertainty in my life. It feels like that's doubled recently, if that's even possible.

It annoys me that I don't have much control over an aspect of my life. None at all, really. And it has to do with boys...who would have guessed? Boys...they drive a girl crazy sometimes, even to the point of insanity. Looking at my current situation, I sometimes feel like I'm insane. Like it's totally not worth it for me to put any more thought or hope into getting anywhere. I feel like I'm at a dead end in both directions. But the real problem is that I'm stuck there. Once I tried to get myself out and turn around or head a different way, but it didn't work. I ended up right back in the same place. And now I'm stuck there again...perhaps for good. I could try to get myself out of there, but I don't even WANT to. Even though there isn't all that much hope, I keep grasping hold of what's left, forcing it to stay within reach. I don't want to give up. But it scares me, because I'm afraid I'll end up hurting myself if I keep at it. I wonder how much this body and soul of mine can handle. Am I just being stupid? Did I already lose the last strands of hope? Or am I being wise in keeping at it, in not giving up. I suppose I haven't even tried very hard...maybe I need to put more into it. Maybe I'm missing something.

All this confusion...I feel like I didn't even cover all of it. Life is full of this confusion and strife and it's ever so complicated. But I suppose that's what makes it better, ya know? In the end, I'll be happy and content. I'll look back on this and find something good in it, even if right now it feels like the only result is hurt. I guess I just have to keep moving forward and trusting God to lead the way to my future.

~Stephanie