Korea --> Doremifasolrasido --> The Meaning of Life --> My Testimony --> Sheltered Life VS Real Life --> My Future??? --> Start Looking!

So I took a trip to Korea and recently came back a couple days ago. It was so much fun!!! I have to admit that I miss it already, haha. NOT the mosquitos OR the hot, humid heat, though. Those were baddd.... -__-...

On the flight home I watched this Korean movie... erm... about 4 times... I can't remember how many times actually, but I know it was at least 3, and maybe I started it a 4th time but I think we had to leave the plane at that point, lol. It was called 도레미파솔라시도 (in English it's DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo... or DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo, I guess...), and it was based on a fanfiction that got really popular, LOL. The guy who wrote it actually helped write the screenplay, XD. I should read that fanfic somtime...

Anywayz, the point is that I totally got hooked on the movie and the music. -____- Someone save me... I fell asleep with the music in my head and woke up with it in my head too... omg this is getting annoying, lol...

Well that was random. Just needed to get it out, I guess, since the people around me would get annoyed if I started gushing about it to them yet AGAIN, XD.

You know what? How come ppl in this world don't think about why they're here? Eh? How come? Why do ppl wake up, go to work, eat lunch, go back to work, and come home for dinner, and start that routine over again the next day? Maybe they go out to have fun with their family and friends on the weekends or even weekdays... but why? What's the point? Hmm? And why do they not ask themselves that? Do they just expect to be born, live the best life they possibly can (and what is the definition of having a "best" life, anyway?), and die? Have their light dwindle and fade just like that? Huhh? Is that it? 0_o Why do they freakin do that?

Woa. A paragraph of questions. >.>;;

But I've been wondering about this a lot recently. Sure, some ppl will respond by saying that the meaning of life is just to be with the ones you love, and to make the best of what you've got. Or some might think that life is for finding who you are, and coping with whatever situation you have, and growing from that - learning from it. Enjoying life (or making the best of it) till your time comes. But is that enough? When you die, everything stops. Family doesn't matter, cuz you won't have them anymore. Who you are doesn't matter, cuz you've stopped existing in this world. All your possessions are gone. Your beautiful body, with your hair and your makeup and piercings, tatoos, stylish clothing you spent so much money on, will deteriote and be swallowed up by the Earth.

But I was also thinking... how do people continue living when they suffer so much on this Earth? I'm guessing a lot of the people alive right now have thought of suicide at least once before. Maybe only some, but those people are there. And then there are those who DO commit suicide. They were driven to such misery that they just wanted to stop feeling. To stop existing. To rest, I guess. To be honest, I've felt that feeling before too... sometimes I just want to... rest, you know? Like, it would be so much easier to end things cuz then you don't have stress, or pain, or emotional pain, or heartache... I haven't thought of suicide, but I guess that feeling of wanting to "rest" is the closest I've gotten to it. I hope it doesn't grow in the future.

In fact... I'm sure it WON'T grow in the future. Cuz I have Jesus. I had so many problems with Him and God and accepting him and all that shtuff in the past. I didn't understand Him, or why He was doing all this to us, or why He even let us hurt and suffer here... why He didn't just save everyone, cuz He has the power to do that, ya know. I just had so many questions... I just didn't understand... and I didn't like myself either... for having these problems. And deep down I felt like God didn't really love me. For the STRANGEST reason I thought that God DISLIKED me, even. I felt like I was weird, cuz none of my friends had this problem. I mean, they might've felt similar, I guess, but you can feel alienated even when you're not... -____-...

This feeling lasted for a month or two... it was torture. You don't know what it's like thinking crazy thougts like your own creator doesn't like you... I think I covered it pretty well. I'm pretty spazztic with my friends. But my moodiness would come thru sometimes...

Then one weekend I went to a praise band lock-in at my church. And I met God there. It was amazing. I opened up my heart to Him there like I hadn't done in so long, and I just felt His love and reassurance. I had to trust Him! And He loved me even tho I didn't even like myself! I couldn't believe this kind of love exists... lol every time I feel His love I start bawling, XDDD. Geez... you'd think I'd get used to it.. but nooo everytime He shows me just a little of His love for me despite my messed up mind I start crying like crazy. Lol. Oh God, thank you so much...

I came back to school after that weekend, a new person. I'm sure no one at school could tell, but it was my heart that had been healed. I was so joyous at that period. :) I swear I wanted to hug everyone there, but I tried to contain myself. I only hugged a few friends like, once or twice each. ;) I just... wanted to show them God's love. I guess that's what they mean about when your heart overflows good acts come from that...

I remember one sermon my pastor had. It was dedicated to those in the youth group going off to college. She said to remember God, and not to leave Him just cuz you were "free" in the world now. She said that everything you do has consequences... and out there in the real world, it's not gonna be small consequences like, small bouts of depression (like the ones I had! I started listening attently at that point...) that might only last a few days, maybe a few weeks. In the real world, you might get depression for years. You might even want to do suicide. College students often do... (esp. in Asia. Those poor students... I just want them to relax!!! Don't throw your precious lives away for grades... you lost ppl, please don't do that...)
It's not like once you get to college you start thinking about suicide. I hope not. 0_o But she had a point. I left church today thinking how sheltered my life really was. My life... right now I'm living in a fake world, protected by my parents and school and shtuff.... but when I go to college I'll be by myself, out in that big scary world. Isn't that a scary feeling? Exciting, maybe? Well, for me it's a scary feeling. I don't even know what I want to do with my life yet. Do you know how nervous that makes me? I don't have a freakin clue. Not. A. Single. Clue. I wanna... marry a rich guy and have fun for the rest of my life, lol. Jk jk, XDDD.

Lessee... what are my passions... music. Oohhh, music. Thank you God for giving us ears to hear and instruments to make music with. And THANK YOU for the human voice! It's so beautiful... every single voice I hear... and you ppl who smoke, you're ruining your beautiful voices! That makes me sad. I feel sad every time I hear a person who's damaged their voice with smoking... and then I wonder what they might've sounded like before... something really beautiful, prolly. Even ppl who can't sing well have interesting voices to listen to when they talk. And the goofy, squeaky voices are funny to listen to! ^^ I like them all...

Erm, anwyayz, music is a big passion. But I can't make a career out of that! What could I do? I can't play piano well enough to make it out in the music field, and idwant to teach students piano all day... and I'm def. not good enough at flute. Which kinda depresses me, actually. -___-
And I can't compose music like my friends can! They're amazing! What am I to do among a world full of so much talent....? *sigh*...

Lessee what else... (wow I'm listening to this one song by DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo on repeat right now... and I'm still not tired of it! lol... someone help me... T_T...)

I love writing. Not essays, although sometimes when I'm fired up about the topic and actually CARE about it writing essays can be interesting... even fun sometimes. But I really love writing stories. They all suck, of course, but I'm writing one right now that might turn into something... i dunno. I have low confidence in this area. And it doesn't help that some of my friends are AMAZING writers.... it makes me happy reading their stories, or pieces of their creative writing, cuz I feel proud of their ability - amazed sometimes - but at the same time I start feeling depressed about my own story, lol. That's wrong thinking, right? *sigh*... I gotta get my head straight!! >:(

And essay writing doesn't REALLY help in life, does it? Well, it depends on what I want to do... so I gotta pick something that has to do with writing essays???? God help me.... no, really. God, please help me. I don't know that the hell I want to do... this half-assed crazy idea of going to help ppl in Africa is floating around randomly in my mind, but idk if I have the courage to do it, or HOW to do it, or if God wants me to to that for Him... do you, God? I need some clearer hints here...

...what the heck is this blog supposed to be about??

...O_O...

Why am I so random.... T_T....

I guess what I was trying to say was... you have to find something to latch onto in this life. Something to give you meaning. A purpose. Otherwise, what good is life? Everything is temporary. Even your lover. Even that one person you love the most in the whole wide world - that one person you'd die for. That person will die one day, and so will you. Maybe it'll be of old age, or maybe they might end life on purpose. Maybe you'll do that one day (I sincerely hope not).

And don't just sit there and go on with your life, WAITING for that meaning to come on to you!! It's waiting for you!!! What the hell are you doing, sitting there in your chair and being miserable for the things that happened today??? Wondering if you'll ever find out why you're here!! Get the hell out of your chair and start looking already!!! It's not that hard to find why you're here. All the bad days, bad moments, and shitfilled times of your life are temporary - but so are the good ones. Don't get so caught up in the material things of life that you fail to take care of your heart... your soul. Don't let it become empty. Or lonely... Or damaged. And if it's already these things, there's a cure. Just find it. No matter how many times you fall into these things, I swear there's a cure. I've been treated, so I know.

*sigh* My posts are so random, I swear. And they don't make sense either, lol. XDDD

Well, here's to hoping I helped SOMEONE out there....

~Jenn~