Rambling as a result of boredom and music.

This is an entry in my journal I wrote a bit ago, intending to post it on here:

So. Today was pretty cool. I spent the first couple hours on neopets...I'm ashamed. I could have been working on summer assignments or something. But it's summer! Why they give us homework and expect us to still think of it as vacation is beyond me. So of course I don't want to give into such a corrupted connotation of the word vacation. I'll do anything besides homework over the summer. Even neopets. Yep, I'm getting that desperate.

I'm listening to "I Love the Night" by Blue Oyster Cult at the moment. It really does make you calm...I'm also at a party. My brother's wedding is tomorrow. Oh, my brother. I could go on and on about him, but it's kind of a boring topic. He and I have never gotten along. He didn't even say a word to me tonight. Later he'll brush it off as because he was distracted--since I know he loves making it seem like he really cares about me and my sisters, when he really just wants attention. I wish I had put that song I wrote about him to music...it would certainly give him a glimpse at why I dislike him so much. I guess it doesn't truly cover it, though. The lyrics oversimplify how everything was when he still lived at home. Thank God he moved out.

Ah, now another song. "Where do I Go" by Marie Digby. It always amazes me how much I relate to this song. I have no idea where I'm going. I wonder if it is a mistake for me to keep liking this guy. I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I'm afraid, that I have no faith. I hate that I might be totally and completely wrong about this. And I hate that I can't stop it...that I really do have no control over what happens to me today, tomorrow, the next day...I just have to go with it and accept my lack of control. Keep praying. And hoping for answers.

"To Build A Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. I found this song so randomly, on imeem. But I fell in love with it. I have no idea why...no clear reason. Something about it gives me this naive feeling that there's always hope, even in times of sadness. The song is so simple, but so insanely deep. I love it.

Haha, disney music. It's on shuffle, by the way. And "I Just Can't Wait to be King" just came on. Disney gives me a happy, warm feeling inside, no matter how I feel at the moment. I love it :)

Now I'll skip a few songs...But I'm rambling now, and you're probably losing interest. So I'll try not to mention any more songs...it'll be hard.

So...back to my day, cause I feel like going back to it. That is where I started, right? It's weird that I got so off track...anyways. After wasting time on my computer for a while, I actually got out of the house! I met my friends at a park nearby, where we hung out, laughed, played Apples to Apples...in fact, we spent a lot of time trying to come up with something to talk about. It makes me sad that there always has to be a reason, something to say, that we can't just be content with nothing. That's definitely not clear...I wish conversations were easier than they really are. I wish people would just say, "Wanna chat?" and I'd say "Sure!" and the conversation would roll out without hesitation. I wish I wouldn't need a reason to see or talk to someone.

I wish this party would end! Or that I could leave, at least. I know a total of...13 people out of the probably 80-something people that are here (yeah, there's probably not that many). And everyone in that 13 is off branching out. I'm here alone at a table. Not talking to anyone. I suppose it's my choice, that I could be branching out with them and talking to the people here. There are lots of old people I've never seen in my life. They probably have stories to tell, wisdom to share.

Maybe I just don't want to listen.

~Stephanie