Keeping Quiet

My brain every single day races through hundreds of different thoughts that I can't even share most of the time. I like keeping these thoughts to myself most of the time because I usually find that when I do share it nothing really happens. That's why I probably haven't been talking about myself lately with my friends. Is that selfish? Maybe I have been too busy from school work and my job to actually talk. Or maybe I feel guilty about talking about myself when I think my friends' lives are more important to talk about than mine. There's also the whole thing about the economy collapsing right now and people who have less fortunate lives than me. Why do I think I have a dilemma over something that probably won't happen and isn't true?

Recent lyrics I started to write:
I'm so confused
By all the things you do
You look at me
As if you want to tell me
To never leave your side
But you barely talk to me
I'm running in circles

Just tell me the truth


I'm gonna head back to finishing my homework as always and keeping my thoughts to myself. Don't worry about me, it's nothing truly troubling.

/\/\

Neurosis

Some people have noticed something’s been a little off about me lately. I’m just not myself. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone in the world around me. I feel insignificant. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel tired, and confused, and helpless, and forgotten, and stupid, and frustrated, and selfish, and guilty, and unwanted, and embarrassed. But why? I’m sure I could list a million reasons why I feel stupid or tired. But that’s not the point. I’m not sure what is, but I am sure that’s not it. Is something wrong with me? Maybe. Who knows? What if there is? When then? What if I’m fine? I don’t feel fine. Where do I go from here? Where can I go when I feel so abandoned and rejected? Look at me. Just that sentence annoys me. That one too. All I think about is myself. Everything I just wrote, me, me, me, me, me. It’s always about me. I wish I’d get over myself. I can’t blame other people for not wanting me around. If I were them, I wouldn’t want me around either. That reminds me of some lyrics “I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me.” I’m afraid, too. Afraid to be honest. Vulnerable. To commit. To let go. To trust. There is a part of me that wants to cry out. To scream the air out of my lungs. But another part says no. That’s too scary. I don’t want other people to know. I don’t want to let them in. But I do. I can’t decide which I want more. Sometimes I hate myself. At least parts of me. I wish I didn't. Help.

-K

My Thoughts

The leaves outside are still a very dark green. I wish they would turn colors this year, like the leaves back in Vermont. It's pretty on the East Coast. There's such a vast expanse of trees and mountains, and everything is so green I wish it would fill me up and consume me, to drown out everything I feel inside my heart. Sometimes I wish I could go back there. It's so far away from all of this...I might actually feel whole again if I went back. Closer to God. Distanced from everything else in this world.

Don't get me wrong. I love my home, my life, my world — everything about it. What I despise is my inability to handle the decisions and problems that come my way. Or, at least, my lack of faith. Only when the suffering has moved elsewhere do I realize that I did handle it, that I am capable of handling immense pain. It's the waiting that gets to me. Knowing you need to be patient and actually having patience are two very different things.

And not knowing what to do...wondering if your patience will even amount to anything, or if you should just give everything up now and try to somehow get over him...Only it doesn't even work, cause the better half of you doesn't want to give up. So you have a very limited number of choices —

1. Keep waiting and fighting, no matter how long it takes, hoping something good will come of it.

2. Do nothing and let life move you along as it pleases. This option is much harder than it seems...I think all of us have a desire for control, which makes doing nothing virtually impossible.

3. Well what else can you do? Maybe create an entirely new image in your mind that forces you to stop liking this person — at least until you see him again. I guess that might work...if you have the will to actually stop liking him.

So yeah. I believe those are the three options you can choose from. Or I can choose from. Maybe there are others...I don't know. Someone clue me in, lol.

I think my distress comes from several things — my inability to move on, my impatience, and my lack of knowledge. I can't see the future. And I honestly don't even want to see the future. I don't want to know exactly what will happen, cause that would be far too predictable and would probably ruin everything. It's the waiting that makes everything worthwhile in the end, even if you don't get what you expected. Sometimes the unexpected is more perfect. The better ending.

I pray God will give me the patience I need and help me face whatever comes my way. I need His help so much...so so much. I don't want this situation to consume my thoughts. God deserves my attention and my thanks. He's already helped me so much — I am constantly perplexed when I try to remember all of the things He's done for me. He brought me here, to this moment and this place, for a reason, I'm sure.

So how can I not have faith?

~Steph