Neurosis

Some people have noticed something’s been a little off about me lately. I’m just not myself. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone in the world around me. I feel insignificant. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel tired, and confused, and helpless, and forgotten, and stupid, and frustrated, and selfish, and guilty, and unwanted, and embarrassed. But why? I’m sure I could list a million reasons why I feel stupid or tired. But that’s not the point. I’m not sure what is, but I am sure that’s not it. Is something wrong with me? Maybe. Who knows? What if there is? When then? What if I’m fine? I don’t feel fine. Where do I go from here? Where can I go when I feel so abandoned and rejected? Look at me. Just that sentence annoys me. That one too. All I think about is myself. Everything I just wrote, me, me, me, me, me. It’s always about me. I wish I’d get over myself. I can’t blame other people for not wanting me around. If I were them, I wouldn’t want me around either. That reminds me of some lyrics “I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me.” I’m afraid, too. Afraid to be honest. Vulnerable. To commit. To let go. To trust. There is a part of me that wants to cry out. To scream the air out of my lungs. But another part says no. That’s too scary. I don’t want other people to know. I don’t want to let them in. But I do. I can’t decide which I want more. Sometimes I hate myself. At least parts of me. I wish I didn't. Help.

-K