Lots of things that might not actually interest you :]

My birthday was last week. Looking back on the day, well, it wasn't that amazing...it didn't feel like my birthday. And the fact that it WAS made it almost worse...but I think it was my fault. I think I could have made it a better day. Oh well...it's over now. Days aren't that important anyways, in the long run. Just because one specific day wasn't amazing doesn't mean the rest of the year will be terrible.

Man...this year. It's been one of the craziest years of my life. So much has happened...so much has changed. I've gotten stronger. I've learned more about myself as a person, and I'm still learning. I think someday I'll look back on this year and call it one of the best years of my life. I hope. I couldn't have predicted any of this...somehow it happened. I wonder what's still to come, what God has in store for me. Two months to go...At the moment, I can't even see past December. In my mind, New Years Eve is like a wall--a very tall wall. I can't really see over it...but I guess it's better this way, since it's hard worrying about the future. It's SUCH a waste of time, since worrying does absolutely nothing. It's like torture...an unfortunate part of human nature we can't ever seem to conquer. You might manage to push something from your mind for a little while, but it always comes back to haunt you.

Today was a good day though. Quite funny at times :] And then I had one of the most amazing evenings--my little sister went outside with me when it was dark, and we just ran around and lay down on my driveway and watched the stars and sang disney songs. We imagined we could fly :] God, I miss being a little kid...I miss my old neighbors. It makes me sad to think about everything we used to do to together, how much fun we had...at least I have the memories, even if they're painful. I certainly wouldn't want to forget.

But I felt so good and happy and WHOLE for once, with my little sister :] I felt like me...just me. That's who I am, the carefree girl who doesn't let worries get in her way. The optimistic one...the one who wants to travel to other worlds and go on adventures. I feel like I've been hiding parts of me inside...they come out sometimes when I'm alone or with my sister, or listening to a song. I don't want to keep them hidden. I'm sick of pushing my emotions away and not letting them out...so I'm determined to find myself again, and to keep being myself. Just me. Not perfect, not gorgeous. But me :]

Determination...that's something I've gotten this year. I don't know where it came from or when I ever started being so determined...stubborn and unwilling to give up. I worry it'll get me into trouble. That I'll be SO determined and set on something, and it won't work out at all the way I imagined...and I'll be heart-broken.

But then...God won't let my heart truly break, will he? God's inside my heart. It won't break as long as he's there...no matter what happens, my heart will remain. The world may shatter like pieces of glass around me, but if I keep holding onto to my little bit of faith, my little bit of wisdom, I'll survive. Somehow.

Oh December...I want you to come, but then I also don't want this year to end. I'm afraid of what will happen after New Years Eve, and before it.

God...give me patience and wisdom and faith. Don't let my heart break.

<3
Stephanie