"Hey, come over here and look at this," I motioned to my friend. She walked over and copied my position, bending over to look at the sandy, man-made steps near the beach.
"Um, it's a beetle."
"Yup. Isn't it cute?" I smiled. I continued to gaze at the little beetle, wandering about on the small, single step that to it was a gigantic platform. I wondered if it would find its way off and get to a less exposed area soon.
"Er... yeah," she replied hesitantly.
"Hmm... I hope it gets to safety soon. Out here it can get squished easily..." I began to watch the beetle anxiously, urging it with my mind to get off the step quickly.
"Yeah, that's true," my friend said, looking at the beetle with more concern. I suppose even though her thoughts about beetles weren't as extensive as mine, the thought of it getting squished was bad to her as well.
"Hurry up, beetle, hurry up!" I said outloud, half jokingly, and made my friend laugh.
Just then my dad, who was walking down with my mom a little behind us, caught up, and was about to walk over the step when I stood up and said hurriedly, "Dad, don't step on the beetle!"
He looked at me strangely and said, "What?"
"There's a beetle right there. Don't step on it!"
He gave me another look, but this time - it was a look of disgust. He made a noise to show his disgust with me, and lifted his leg. I watched in shock and horror as he deliberately slammed his foot on the beetle with all his might, muttering something as to what was wrong with me.
My heart tugged. He lifted his foot, and I saw the poor, poor beetle's flattened body, now a disgusting mess of bug guts and goo. I swallowed. Just a few seconds ago it had been alive and was scurrying around on the step, as I had watched, smiling. Now it was dead. Just like that.
I didn't want my dad to see how shocked I was at his behavior, or how hurt I was, so I ran ahead without another word to catch up with my friend, who had gone on ahead. All the while, I heard my father grumpily complaining about me... he was saying stuff like, "What is wrong with her? She's caring so much for a beetle!" My mother replied gently, "It's because she's so kindhearted. What's wrong with that?" I ran farther, and eventually their voices faded away.
My friend was waiting for me, and we walked along. I smiled to show I wasn't affected by what my dad did.
We had reached the part of the hike where we actually went down to the beach itself, and everyone walked along near the waves. I began to drift away from everyone else and thought of that moment where the little beetle was squished. I wondered whether my dad was right - I cared too much for insignificant things.
But part of me was angry at my father. He didn't have to kill that beetle! He could've been mad that I was so "caring," but he could've just walked on!! What was with deliberately squishing the beetle??? Did he want my heart to hurt like that? I couldn't believe him.
Then part of me was angry at myself, for my senstiveness. I was pissed I was so angry at my dad. It was just a beetle, for goodness sake. Why get angry at a human for killing an insect? Why feel hurt when an insect died? Why feel so sad that I had to hold in tears, at some parts of the beach walk? For there were times on the walk where I felt a lump in my throat, and my eyes began misting up, and I had to force myself not to cry. Anger at myself would come up, for feeling the need to cry. FOR A BEETLE!!
I didn't feel better for the rest of the walk. I became angrier when I saw my father later, at the end of the hike, whistling and being happy. He obviously didn't see how emotionally messed up I was. (again, for a beetle. WTF is wrong with me??????)
Thankfully, all 3 families went to eat at a restaurant near the beach after the hike, and my friends cheered me up (although they didn't know I was sad/angry in the first place). I laughed and smiled a lot, and all the kids in the 3 families went over one kid's house after the dinner.
I forgot all about the beetle, until the next day. I wonder how long that beetle will continue to haunt me...
~Jenn~
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
My thoughts on gay marriage...
I was reading a friend's blog about gay marriage, and that made me rethink some things.
I can honestly say that I was a very strong advocate against gay marriage. But now I'm not so sure. I remember that the last time I talked about gay marriage with my friends I got in a major fight with one of them... even though that had more to do with his attitude than the topic... but ANYWAYZ.
My friend's blog was talking about how everyone should have the right to be happy, and also about separation of church and state, and I found myself agreeing with him. Zomg... but really. People should be happy, right? I agree. But at the same time, I think some things should be restricted. Like, if it made someone happy to do drugs, they'd end up killing themselves in the end, even if they weren't hurting anyone else so people let them do that. Or, if someone felt happy by having sex all the time, what if they eventually contracted an STD? These aren't really realistic examples, but that's not really the point...
However, the thing with gay marriage is that I'm against it because it's against my religion as a Christian, but at the same time I just feel morally like there's something WRONG with it, even if it's not hurting someone else. But it is not my position to force others to heed my will, right? I'm just one citizen in the United States of America. It's not my right to tell others who they're allowed to marry. And it's also not my right to impose my religion on others.
So... I was thinking about that. And I've decided that I don't care anymore whether gays get their right to marriage or not. Although if I'm given the opportunity to vote on it, then I'm going to use my right as a citizen to state my opinion on it. But I'm not going to blatantly go off about it like I used to do.
But there's one thing that I can't stop thinking about. I'm imagining a world where gay marriage has been legalized, and I have a family with kids. And my neighbors are a gay married couple. I'm not gonna shun them or ignore them, but at the same time (and I'm just stating my true feelings - I can't change them, so don't pick a fight with me about them) I can't help feel a little bit... disgusted... by what they might do in the bedroom. Of course, whatever they do THERE is their choice... but Idk if I want my future children to grow up in that environment. I want my children to be open-minded and loving to everyone, no matter what, but I also want them to stay firm in the Christian beliefs, and I'm afraid that might weaken if we lived in a society filled with gay couples.
Also... California legalized gay marriage because of 4 liberal judges, who ignored the people's vote and legalized gay marriage anyway. I find a problem with that. But I'm not gonna go into that anymore...
But, I digress. The point of this blog is to say that I don't care anymore. I realize now that I don't have the right to place my religous, even my moral opinion on the law, unless it's the majority's opinion taken in a poll, or whatever. All I can do is to keep to my beliefs, and tolerate everyone, no matter their orientation.
Every time I talk about this subject I feel sick, in the stomach. I can't help it. I can't help feeling repulsed in this way. If you are gay and you are reading this, I am SO sorry for the way I feel. But I can't change this. It's as if it was in my DNA. I will treat you like any other human being I meet - I won't insult you or treat you disdainfully - but my opinion will remain. And I think we'll just have to accept that and move on. Hopefully I can still be friends with gay people. Hopefully they won't hate me for my opinion, cuz I don't hate them. But these are my thoughts...
~Jenn~
I can honestly say that I was a very strong advocate against gay marriage. But now I'm not so sure. I remember that the last time I talked about gay marriage with my friends I got in a major fight with one of them... even though that had more to do with his attitude than the topic... but ANYWAYZ.
My friend's blog was talking about how everyone should have the right to be happy, and also about separation of church and state, and I found myself agreeing with him. Zomg... but really. People should be happy, right? I agree. But at the same time, I think some things should be restricted. Like, if it made someone happy to do drugs, they'd end up killing themselves in the end, even if they weren't hurting anyone else so people let them do that. Or, if someone felt happy by having sex all the time, what if they eventually contracted an STD? These aren't really realistic examples, but that's not really the point...
However, the thing with gay marriage is that I'm against it because it's against my religion as a Christian, but at the same time I just feel morally like there's something WRONG with it, even if it's not hurting someone else. But it is not my position to force others to heed my will, right? I'm just one citizen in the United States of America. It's not my right to tell others who they're allowed to marry. And it's also not my right to impose my religion on others.
So... I was thinking about that. And I've decided that I don't care anymore whether gays get their right to marriage or not. Although if I'm given the opportunity to vote on it, then I'm going to use my right as a citizen to state my opinion on it. But I'm not going to blatantly go off about it like I used to do.
But there's one thing that I can't stop thinking about. I'm imagining a world where gay marriage has been legalized, and I have a family with kids. And my neighbors are a gay married couple. I'm not gonna shun them or ignore them, but at the same time (and I'm just stating my true feelings - I can't change them, so don't pick a fight with me about them) I can't help feel a little bit... disgusted... by what they might do in the bedroom. Of course, whatever they do THERE is their choice... but Idk if I want my future children to grow up in that environment. I want my children to be open-minded and loving to everyone, no matter what, but I also want them to stay firm in the Christian beliefs, and I'm afraid that might weaken if we lived in a society filled with gay couples.
Also... California legalized gay marriage because of 4 liberal judges, who ignored the people's vote and legalized gay marriage anyway. I find a problem with that. But I'm not gonna go into that anymore...
But, I digress. The point of this blog is to say that I don't care anymore. I realize now that I don't have the right to place my religous, even my moral opinion on the law, unless it's the majority's opinion taken in a poll, or whatever. All I can do is to keep to my beliefs, and tolerate everyone, no matter their orientation.
Every time I talk about this subject I feel sick, in the stomach. I can't help it. I can't help feeling repulsed in this way. If you are gay and you are reading this, I am SO sorry for the way I feel. But I can't change this. It's as if it was in my DNA. I will treat you like any other human being I meet - I won't insult you or treat you disdainfully - but my opinion will remain. And I think we'll just have to accept that and move on. Hopefully I can still be friends with gay people. Hopefully they won't hate me for my opinion, cuz I don't hate them. But these are my thoughts...
~Jenn~
Saturday, May 24, 2008
No reason to be afraid
I just started thinking this morning about fear and how so often I give into it and let it drive my life. But why? Why are humans always afraid of something? Why is it so difficult for us to master our fear?
I often get ideas about things I should do--something I should say to a person, something I should do, etc. But, automatically, I start thinking about why that's a bad idea--what could happen if I actually went through with my action. But, what's the point if we don't take a risk? And if the thought ended up in our head in the first place, surely it was there for a reason.
Being afraid is about keeping up an image. We think about doing something but then stop to wonder what other people will think of us if we actually go through with it. Will he think I'm crazy? Will he not even answer me? Those questions have flown through my head before. And sometimes I let them stop me. But I shouldn't. No one should let fear take over. If we don't try doing something--if we don't take a risk and ignore the cons for once, we won't get anywhere. And we'll miss so many important opportunities.
I need to remember that the next time I'm seriously considering taking a route that might impact how others think of me. I need to go with my instinct, and look to God and myself for advice. If I have a strong feeling about doing something, then I need to do it.
I think fear might be one of the biggest problems in the world. Hmm...I bet a lot of things can be related to fear. And to obsession and pride, and corruption. Reminds me of war...wars begin when a country or people wants power or prestige, in some form. And fear keeps it going, or sometimes makes it stop.
Now I'm just rambling, though...so I'll stop before I get too far off topic.
~Stephanie
I often get ideas about things I should do--something I should say to a person, something I should do, etc. But, automatically, I start thinking about why that's a bad idea--what could happen if I actually went through with my action. But, what's the point if we don't take a risk? And if the thought ended up in our head in the first place, surely it was there for a reason.
Being afraid is about keeping up an image. We think about doing something but then stop to wonder what other people will think of us if we actually go through with it. Will he think I'm crazy? Will he not even answer me? Those questions have flown through my head before. And sometimes I let them stop me. But I shouldn't. No one should let fear take over. If we don't try doing something--if we don't take a risk and ignore the cons for once, we won't get anywhere. And we'll miss so many important opportunities.
I need to remember that the next time I'm seriously considering taking a route that might impact how others think of me. I need to go with my instinct, and look to God and myself for advice. If I have a strong feeling about doing something, then I need to do it.
I think fear might be one of the biggest problems in the world. Hmm...I bet a lot of things can be related to fear. And to obsession and pride, and corruption. Reminds me of war...wars begin when a country or people wants power or prestige, in some form. And fear keeps it going, or sometimes makes it stop.
Now I'm just rambling, though...so I'll stop before I get too far off topic.
~Stephanie
Um... more jumbled up (but not as depressing) thoughts...
So I know that last post of mine was rather depressing, and a little too personal, but I still have shtuff I wanna let off my mind. Don't worry - this shouldn't be as depressing.
I think I'm gonna write with the stream-of-consciousness style, so this will DEFINITELY sound like rambling...
1) Do you ever wonder at how the world's connected with each other? I think we're all connected. And I know people may say that all the time - or at least commercials do, and movies with deep themes do, and all that. But no one really thinks about it, do they? Perhaps they do... I don't know.
I used to ride in the car and stare out the window, looking at nothing in particular, and thinking about nothing in particular.
And then, the car'd stop in front of a traffic light, and these people would be crossing the crosswalk in front of me, and I'd just observe them. Aren't people interesting just to look at, even? I'd see a small, plump woman, holding the hand of a child who looks to be about 6, and pushing along a stroller with a baby in it. She looks tired, and is wearily plodding along with her children. I'd wonder what sorta life she had. Not only as an adult with these children, but as a child my age. What thoughts went through her head? What kind of life did she live before becoming who she was today? Stuff like that... I love thinking like that. It makes me feel ... deep, to be honest. I get to be all sensitive and philosophical, but at the same time I'm genuinely wondering these thoughts.
2) This wasn't originally supposed to be here, but I've decided to mention that my last post was very very negative and narrowminded, and I've experienced so much in the past 48 hours or so that have changed my thinking - in fact, my whole perspective of life. But that'd take too long to explain, so just know that life is valuable, and that God loves you very very much. I don't mind if you reject that statement if you don't believe in God. I'm just saying what's in my heart right now.
Well... honestly this post is the product of starting on it a while ago, and now coming back to this draft and finishing it... so I sort of forgot all my other "philosophical" ideas and feelings I had wanted to talk about before... hehe.. ^^;; Sooooo... I s'pose I'll save that for later, when I actually remember what I wished to say.
~Jenn~
I think I'm gonna write with the stream-of-consciousness style, so this will DEFINITELY sound like rambling...
1) Do you ever wonder at how the world's connected with each other? I think we're all connected. And I know people may say that all the time - or at least commercials do, and movies with deep themes do, and all that. But no one really thinks about it, do they? Perhaps they do... I don't know.
I used to ride in the car and stare out the window, looking at nothing in particular, and thinking about nothing in particular.
And then, the car'd stop in front of a traffic light, and these people would be crossing the crosswalk in front of me, and I'd just observe them. Aren't people interesting just to look at, even? I'd see a small, plump woman, holding the hand of a child who looks to be about 6, and pushing along a stroller with a baby in it. She looks tired, and is wearily plodding along with her children. I'd wonder what sorta life she had. Not only as an adult with these children, but as a child my age. What thoughts went through her head? What kind of life did she live before becoming who she was today? Stuff like that... I love thinking like that. It makes me feel ... deep, to be honest. I get to be all sensitive and philosophical, but at the same time I'm genuinely wondering these thoughts.
2) This wasn't originally supposed to be here, but I've decided to mention that my last post was very very negative and narrowminded, and I've experienced so much in the past 48 hours or so that have changed my thinking - in fact, my whole perspective of life. But that'd take too long to explain, so just know that life is valuable, and that God loves you very very much. I don't mind if you reject that statement if you don't believe in God. I'm just saying what's in my heart right now.
Well... honestly this post is the product of starting on it a while ago, and now coming back to this draft and finishing it... so I sort of forgot all my other "philosophical" ideas and feelings I had wanted to talk about before... hehe.. ^^;; Sooooo... I s'pose I'll save that for later, when I actually remember what I wished to say.
~Jenn~
Friday, May 23, 2008
The Grass is Always Greener...
Have you ever noticed that guys who are unavailable are infinitely more attractive than guys who are? If he's in a relationship, you wish you were the girl. If he just has feelings for someone else, you desperately wish he would look your way instead...
Why do you think that is? Why do girls want what they can't have?
I'm still trying to figure that one out, myself. But I know it's true. And it's not just because all of the most attractive guys are in relationships.
A friend of mine recently told a boy who had liked her for some time that she did not share his feelings and wanted to be just friends. He accepted this and moved on. However, my friend confided in me that though she knew he now liked someone else, she kept thinking of him as a potential boyfriend. Why? Because he was no longer interested in her!It feels like everyone does this at some point, and it's probably one of the biggest reasons that teenagers are so angsty. Oh, why doesn't he love me? Why must I be invisible? Why can't I just forget about it and get into a relationship with someone who cares about me as much as I care about them?? Unfortunately, things don't always work perfectly. And when they don't, we get angsty....
I'd be very curious to know whether guys also have the strongest feelings for girls who are not interested in them. I think that it comes from wanting... a challenge? I know it sounds funny, but people climb mountains just because they're there (at least, according to Two and a Half Men... ^^) I dunno. This hasn't really gone in the direction that I intended, but I've been thinking about that, so I wanted to get it out there. So I guess
TTFN!
Emma
Monday, May 19, 2008
The ramblings of a VERY confused girl...
So I've been going through really tough times for me emotionally, intellectually, mentally, spiritually, and pretty much any other way you can have a tough time. Except for perhaps physically, I s'pose...
First, let's go with spiritually.
I was thinking about life and the future and what will happen to me, and I eventually came up with this desire for life to have no meaning. That there was no Heaven or Hell. That there wasn't even a God. That I would just die and that would be that. Then at least there would be no pain or awareness, where I'd have to think and do things and undergo hardships for the sake of my faith so that I won't go to Hell.
But the thing is, I know I'm not supposed to be thinking this way. And I'm not really sure I'm thinking this way anymore, now that I'd confronted this thought in my head. For one thing, you're not supposed to believe in God so that you don't go to Hell. You're supposed to love God because He's just amazing and He loves you SO much, that you can't help loving Him back. I think I'm having a problem understanding and feeling His love for me. I think I'm having a problem truly believing I am saved. Lately I've been feeling so... just so... FILTHY with sin that I can't stand it, and thus I wished that life really had no meaning, cuz then sin wouldn't exist, right?
Another issue that bothered me was that of predestination (sorry for all the religious talk, but I really need to get this out of my head). I wonder whether that is true or not - that God would only choose certain people to be saved. If so, what if someone wanted to be saved, and believed in God, but because God had condemned him from being saved, that person had to live his life knowing in the end he'd go to Hell? Why would you live?
Then again, if that person really wasn't "chosen" then he wouldn't have even believed in God in the first place, right? Cuz God wouldn't have opened his heart....
But I can't believe this. I can't. I refuse to believe that my God can be like that... when He's supposed to be fair and just and merciful, and most importantly, loving, of ALL his creations, whether they love Him back or not.
Yet, why am I still tortured by this thought, then?
Well, that's that for my spiritual torments... though truly I could go much, MUCH deeper.
Next... emotions...
I've been really moodly lately as well. And very, very sensitive. I don't show that I've been affected by what people say to me, but on the inside I dwell on the words they've spoken long after they've said it. I remember what they said and try to interpret it as to whether they meant that to be mean or they just weren't thinking at the time. I feel hurt and yet try to give them the benefit of the doubt, and yet at the same time I find myself growing angry at what they said and I just can't forget it... sometimes for months...
One day I exploded at one of my friends for something that I s'pose was partly his fault, but also mine, cuz I had no right to be so rude and irritated... well, irritated at him, maybe. But not so rude and mean as I was...
Things escalated even after school and it got to the point where I just didn't want to see his face. But, eventually, with some prodding by another friend of ours, we talked and apologized and things are cool now.
Today my day was going superbly - until lunch time. Which is weird cuz lunch is my favorite time of the school day. Something happened towards the end of lunch that I just couldn't stop thinking about (me and my sensitivity... and my paranoia... and my being a hopeless romantic who is in fact growing impatient... XD).
Other days I try to stop myself from crying in front of someone, from the smallest thing. Perhaps my dad would snap at me for something that was clearly my fault, and I knew it, and yet I'd feel the tears welling up and my lip start to tremble. Or maybe a friend would tell me something and I felt like (s)he was annoyed with me. I hate how I'm so weak and paranoid like that sometimes.
Why do I cry? For what reasons? The fact that I am being scolded? Or being corrected? Why are those bad things? Being corrected is a good thing. Scolded for things I've done badly are good too. Those lectures or correctings will help me develop, so why do I cry? I can't really understand it myself, but I think it's cuz I just don't want to be yelled at, period. It breaks me down. I think it's cuz I'm weak emotionally. And mentally. (the mere fact that I'm speculating my emotional and mental weakness is a sign.) I can't handle criticizm, and I hate that, cuz some criticizm is necessary. I think this has something to do with my fear of failure.. but that's another story. (perfectionism... *sigh*)
Intellectally, meaning schoolwise, I'm under a lot of stress right now. A lot of the burden has been lifted since the AP exams are done with, and I just took my Wind Symphony auditions today, so that's done, and I haven't had much hw. But I have a book project for my english class that I'm totally screwed over for (probably along with the rest of my classmates, XD), and my chem grade has been steadily getting lower... I think I'm just being nitpicky again, but as I said in my very first post, I am a perfectionist. At this point in my life, it's more of a curse than a gift.
Overall I just feel very insecure about myself, my life, and the people around me. I don't really know what triggered this all, cuz I usually appear to be a happy-go-lucky girl. I guess I'm finally starting to grow up.
And guess what?
I hate it.
Jenn
First, let's go with spiritually.
I was thinking about life and the future and what will happen to me, and I eventually came up with this desire for life to have no meaning. That there was no Heaven or Hell. That there wasn't even a God. That I would just die and that would be that. Then at least there would be no pain or awareness, where I'd have to think and do things and undergo hardships for the sake of my faith so that I won't go to Hell.
But the thing is, I know I'm not supposed to be thinking this way. And I'm not really sure I'm thinking this way anymore, now that I'd confronted this thought in my head. For one thing, you're not supposed to believe in God so that you don't go to Hell. You're supposed to love God because He's just amazing and He loves you SO much, that you can't help loving Him back. I think I'm having a problem understanding and feeling His love for me. I think I'm having a problem truly believing I am saved. Lately I've been feeling so... just so... FILTHY with sin that I can't stand it, and thus I wished that life really had no meaning, cuz then sin wouldn't exist, right?
Another issue that bothered me was that of predestination (sorry for all the religious talk, but I really need to get this out of my head). I wonder whether that is true or not - that God would only choose certain people to be saved. If so, what if someone wanted to be saved, and believed in God, but because God had condemned him from being saved, that person had to live his life knowing in the end he'd go to Hell? Why would you live?
Then again, if that person really wasn't "chosen" then he wouldn't have even believed in God in the first place, right? Cuz God wouldn't have opened his heart....
But I can't believe this. I can't. I refuse to believe that my God can be like that... when He's supposed to be fair and just and merciful, and most importantly, loving, of ALL his creations, whether they love Him back or not.
Yet, why am I still tortured by this thought, then?
Well, that's that for my spiritual torments... though truly I could go much, MUCH deeper.
Next... emotions...
I've been really moodly lately as well. And very, very sensitive. I don't show that I've been affected by what people say to me, but on the inside I dwell on the words they've spoken long after they've said it. I remember what they said and try to interpret it as to whether they meant that to be mean or they just weren't thinking at the time. I feel hurt and yet try to give them the benefit of the doubt, and yet at the same time I find myself growing angry at what they said and I just can't forget it... sometimes for months...
One day I exploded at one of my friends for something that I s'pose was partly his fault, but also mine, cuz I had no right to be so rude and irritated... well, irritated at him, maybe. But not so rude and mean as I was...
Things escalated even after school and it got to the point where I just didn't want to see his face. But, eventually, with some prodding by another friend of ours, we talked and apologized and things are cool now.
Today my day was going superbly - until lunch time. Which is weird cuz lunch is my favorite time of the school day. Something happened towards the end of lunch that I just couldn't stop thinking about (me and my sensitivity... and my paranoia... and my being a hopeless romantic who is in fact growing impatient... XD).
Other days I try to stop myself from crying in front of someone, from the smallest thing. Perhaps my dad would snap at me for something that was clearly my fault, and I knew it, and yet I'd feel the tears welling up and my lip start to tremble. Or maybe a friend would tell me something and I felt like (s)he was annoyed with me. I hate how I'm so weak and paranoid like that sometimes.
Why do I cry? For what reasons? The fact that I am being scolded? Or being corrected? Why are those bad things? Being corrected is a good thing. Scolded for things I've done badly are good too. Those lectures or correctings will help me develop, so why do I cry? I can't really understand it myself, but I think it's cuz I just don't want to be yelled at, period. It breaks me down. I think it's cuz I'm weak emotionally. And mentally. (the mere fact that I'm speculating my emotional and mental weakness is a sign.) I can't handle criticizm, and I hate that, cuz some criticizm is necessary. I think this has something to do with my fear of failure.. but that's another story. (perfectionism... *sigh*)
Intellectally, meaning schoolwise, I'm under a lot of stress right now. A lot of the burden has been lifted since the AP exams are done with, and I just took my Wind Symphony auditions today, so that's done, and I haven't had much hw. But I have a book project for my english class that I'm totally screwed over for (probably along with the rest of my classmates, XD), and my chem grade has been steadily getting lower... I think I'm just being nitpicky again, but as I said in my very first post, I am a perfectionist. At this point in my life, it's more of a curse than a gift.
Overall I just feel very insecure about myself, my life, and the people around me. I don't really know what triggered this all, cuz I usually appear to be a happy-go-lucky girl. I guess I'm finally starting to grow up.
And guess what?
I hate it.
Jenn
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Confusion
There are days when everything in the world seems perfect and wonderful. I walk around the campus of my school in an amazing mood, and I slip easily into hyperness with friends. And there are other days when things hit me, like pieces of lead, and I feel like a wanna collapse and just lie on the ground and wait for my life to sort itself out. That's how complicated my life is. But doesn't everyone face confusion and strife? It's all just part of being human, even if sometimes it feels like I'm the only one with problems. But all of us have our days, and what always comes out of them is growth of spirit and strength. It's the feeling that--if I survived this day, I can survive tomorrow too, right?
Today was kinda one of those days. It was interesting, though, because school was really great. My math test went well, APEL was very chill, etc. I was even in a SUPER good mood after school. But even when my day starts out great, there's always some little thing that reminds me of all the confusion and uncertainty in my life. It feels like that's doubled recently, if that's even possible.
It annoys me that I don't have much control over an aspect of my life. None at all, really. And it has to do with boys...who would have guessed? Boys...they drive a girl crazy sometimes, even to the point of insanity. Looking at my current situation, I sometimes feel like I'm insane. Like it's totally not worth it for me to put any more thought or hope into getting anywhere. I feel like I'm at a dead end in both directions. But the real problem is that I'm stuck there. Once I tried to get myself out and turn around or head a different way, but it didn't work. I ended up right back in the same place. And now I'm stuck there again...perhaps for good. I could try to get myself out of there, but I don't even WANT to. Even though there isn't all that much hope, I keep grasping hold of what's left, forcing it to stay within reach. I don't want to give up. But it scares me, because I'm afraid I'll end up hurting myself if I keep at it. I wonder how much this body and soul of mine can handle. Am I just being stupid? Did I already lose the last strands of hope? Or am I being wise in keeping at it, in not giving up. I suppose I haven't even tried very hard...maybe I need to put more into it. Maybe I'm missing something.
All this confusion...I feel like I didn't even cover all of it. Life is full of this confusion and strife and it's ever so complicated. But I suppose that's what makes it better, ya know? In the end, I'll be happy and content. I'll look back on this and find something good in it, even if right now it feels like the only result is hurt. I guess I just have to keep moving forward and trusting God to lead the way to my future.
~Stephanie
Today was kinda one of those days. It was interesting, though, because school was really great. My math test went well, APEL was very chill, etc. I was even in a SUPER good mood after school. But even when my day starts out great, there's always some little thing that reminds me of all the confusion and uncertainty in my life. It feels like that's doubled recently, if that's even possible.
It annoys me that I don't have much control over an aspect of my life. None at all, really. And it has to do with boys...who would have guessed? Boys...they drive a girl crazy sometimes, even to the point of insanity. Looking at my current situation, I sometimes feel like I'm insane. Like it's totally not worth it for me to put any more thought or hope into getting anywhere. I feel like I'm at a dead end in both directions. But the real problem is that I'm stuck there. Once I tried to get myself out and turn around or head a different way, but it didn't work. I ended up right back in the same place. And now I'm stuck there again...perhaps for good. I could try to get myself out of there, but I don't even WANT to. Even though there isn't all that much hope, I keep grasping hold of what's left, forcing it to stay within reach. I don't want to give up. But it scares me, because I'm afraid I'll end up hurting myself if I keep at it. I wonder how much this body and soul of mine can handle. Am I just being stupid? Did I already lose the last strands of hope? Or am I being wise in keeping at it, in not giving up. I suppose I haven't even tried very hard...maybe I need to put more into it. Maybe I'm missing something.
All this confusion...I feel like I didn't even cover all of it. Life is full of this confusion and strife and it's ever so complicated. But I suppose that's what makes it better, ya know? In the end, I'll be happy and content. I'll look back on this and find something good in it, even if right now it feels like the only result is hurt. I guess I just have to keep moving forward and trusting God to lead the way to my future.
~Stephanie
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