This is an entry in my journal I wrote a bit ago, intending to post it on here:
So. Today was pretty cool. I spent the first couple hours on neopets...I'm ashamed. I could have been working on summer assignments or something. But it's summer! Why they give us homework and expect us to still think of it as vacation is beyond me. So of course I don't want to give into such a corrupted connotation of the word vacation. I'll do anything besides homework over the summer. Even neopets. Yep, I'm getting that desperate.
I'm listening to "I Love the Night" by Blue Oyster Cult at the moment. It really does make you calm...I'm also at a party. My brother's wedding is tomorrow. Oh, my brother. I could go on and on about him, but it's kind of a boring topic. He and I have never gotten along. He didn't even say a word to me tonight. Later he'll brush it off as because he was distracted--since I know he loves making it seem like he really cares about me and my sisters, when he really just wants attention. I wish I had put that song I wrote about him to music...it would certainly give him a glimpse at why I dislike him so much. I guess it doesn't truly cover it, though. The lyrics oversimplify how everything was when he still lived at home. Thank God he moved out.
Ah, now another song. "Where do I Go" by Marie Digby. It always amazes me how much I relate to this song. I have no idea where I'm going. I wonder if it is a mistake for me to keep liking this guy. I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I'm afraid, that I have no faith. I hate that I might be totally and completely wrong about this. And I hate that I can't stop it...that I really do have no control over what happens to me today, tomorrow, the next day...I just have to go with it and accept my lack of control. Keep praying. And hoping for answers.
"To Build A Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. I found this song so randomly, on imeem. But I fell in love with it. I have no idea why...no clear reason. Something about it gives me this naive feeling that there's always hope, even in times of sadness. The song is so simple, but so insanely deep. I love it.
Haha, disney music. It's on shuffle, by the way. And "I Just Can't Wait to be King" just came on. Disney gives me a happy, warm feeling inside, no matter how I feel at the moment. I love it :)
Now I'll skip a few songs...But I'm rambling now, and you're probably losing interest. So I'll try not to mention any more songs...it'll be hard.
So...back to my day, cause I feel like going back to it. That is where I started, right? It's weird that I got so off track...anyways. After wasting time on my computer for a while, I actually got out of the house! I met my friends at a park nearby, where we hung out, laughed, played Apples to Apples...in fact, we spent a lot of time trying to come up with something to talk about. It makes me sad that there always has to be a reason, something to say, that we can't just be content with nothing. That's definitely not clear...I wish conversations were easier than they really are. I wish people would just say, "Wanna chat?" and I'd say "Sure!" and the conversation would roll out without hesitation. I wish I wouldn't need a reason to see or talk to someone.
I wish this party would end! Or that I could leave, at least. I know a total of...13 people out of the probably 80-something people that are here (yeah, there's probably not that many). And everyone in that 13 is off branching out. I'm here alone at a table. Not talking to anyone. I suppose it's my choice, that I could be branching out with them and talking to the people here. There are lots of old people I've never seen in my life. They probably have stories to tell, wisdom to share.
Maybe I just don't want to listen.
~Stephanie
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Just Dreaming
This school year went by so fast and I can't believe I'm an upperclassmen. It's weird thinking about the privileges, rights, and responsibilities I'm gonna have in the upcoming years. But I will not waste time worrying about the downsides to all of that and other pessimistic situations. I haven't seen any of my friends for almost a week and a half and a few are out of town/country. I'm gonna call one of them to see how he/she is doing after I post this blog that probably sounds like it is going in different directions or grammatically incorrect. Summer is the best time to hang out with them too because we all don't exactly have homework and tests. Although I kind of do because I'm taking an online computer class. YEAH ME!!! (I was being sarcastic there. I think it took me 2 years to finally realize when someone was being sarcastic.)
I am totally addicted to Harry Potter and the Twilight series. Harry Potter made me realize how much I liked reading. Twilight is an idealized true to life romantic fairytale dealing with vampires and werewolves. Its an amazing series and if you are trying to find a good book, I highly recommend this to you. The next installment in the series Breaking Dawn comes out on August 2nd just in time for my birthday. :)
Recently I spent some time at the beach with the family. I went boogie boarding for the first time in two years so that was awesome. We stayed until sunset and as usual I was day dreaming. My sister took pictures of the beach and the sunset for her school project while I sat down on one of those springy things to wait for a swing. Going on the swings and watching the sunset is one of my favorite things to do. While I was waiting for the swing, I started thinking about my dream boy who I can easily talk to and is always there for me. But I think that guys is going to be around for a while. I believe I'm better off being just friends with boys for the time being. Although I probably will continue dreaming about those perfect moments when the music plays and I meet my dream boy.
On another note, I finally got my guitar!!!!! XD I've gotten some of the chords down for Hello Beautiful by the Jonas Brothers. Yes I admit it, I'm crazy for the Jonas Brothers especially the youngest one Nick, but a girl can dream. It's healthier for me to crush on a celebrity I have a small chance of actually knowing rather than get stuck infatuated with a real guy because it throws me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. My 17-year-old cousin from the Philippines is arriving this Saturday. Hopefully he can give me some helpful tips with the guitar. He plays the acoustic and electric guitar. Next week we're going to Las Vegas to gamble. Just kidding!!!! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Maybe I'll meet that dream boy of mine.
/\/\
I am totally addicted to Harry Potter and the Twilight series. Harry Potter made me realize how much I liked reading. Twilight is an idealized true to life romantic fairytale dealing with vampires and werewolves. Its an amazing series and if you are trying to find a good book, I highly recommend this to you. The next installment in the series Breaking Dawn comes out on August 2nd just in time for my birthday. :)
Recently I spent some time at the beach with the family. I went boogie boarding for the first time in two years so that was awesome. We stayed until sunset and as usual I was day dreaming. My sister took pictures of the beach and the sunset for her school project while I sat down on one of those springy things to wait for a swing. Going on the swings and watching the sunset is one of my favorite things to do. While I was waiting for the swing, I started thinking about my dream boy who I can easily talk to and is always there for me. But I think that guys is going to be around for a while. I believe I'm better off being just friends with boys for the time being. Although I probably will continue dreaming about those perfect moments when the music plays and I meet my dream boy.
On another note, I finally got my guitar!!!!! XD I've gotten some of the chords down for Hello Beautiful by the Jonas Brothers. Yes I admit it, I'm crazy for the Jonas Brothers especially the youngest one Nick, but a girl can dream. It's healthier for me to crush on a celebrity I have a small chance of actually knowing rather than get stuck infatuated with a real guy because it throws me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. My 17-year-old cousin from the Philippines is arriving this Saturday. Hopefully he can give me some helpful tips with the guitar. He plays the acoustic and electric guitar. Next week we're going to Las Vegas to gamble. Just kidding!!!! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Maybe I'll meet that dream boy of mine.
/\/\
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Selfish
Emma's last post definitely inspired me. It made me feel really bad about how selfish I am.
It's like every single day of my life has to revolve around ME. We're having steaming hot weather here in California--it's literally BAKING when I go outside. So I've been staying indoors a lot, trying to find ways to occupy my time. And it's really hard. Several friends are away on vacation. My inspiration for writing dwindles on sunny days like these. So I sit at my computer clicking the "Facebook" button over and over again. I switch songs on my I-tunes, listen to the same ones over and over again. Wait for someone to send me an IM message. Get annoyed and play my guitar. And then get annoyed because I'm not good enough yet--I'm so limited by my skill, even though I do know quite a bit, when I think about it.
But my point is that I get annoyed at my own boredom. I'm not satisfied with the fact that, besides the lack of things to do, I'm at a pretty good point in my life. I let the heat and sweat get the better of me, even though I have the fan on high in my room at this moment. I'm really not that hot indoors. Worse things could be happening than a prolonged period of sunlight.
I'm incredibly selfish like that. I always focus on my own problems, my own wishes, everything about my own life. And I get mad when things don't go the way I wish they would. It's like it's impossible for me to step outside my skin for even a minute and think about other people and the problems they have.
I wish I could change it...I wish I could sit here in my room and keep smiling as I strum out a new song on my guitar. I wish I could only be sad for other people. I wish I could be happy with my life and step away from it for a bit to let it run its course. Complaining won't get me anywhere--it will just make me even more annoyed.
Ahh "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz just popped into my head :] I love that song! Every time I listen to it I feel happy. It gives me hope and gives me this feeling that I need to keep enjoying life and look past the bad stuff. "Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours."
~Stephanie
It's like every single day of my life has to revolve around ME. We're having steaming hot weather here in California--it's literally BAKING when I go outside. So I've been staying indoors a lot, trying to find ways to occupy my time. And it's really hard. Several friends are away on vacation. My inspiration for writing dwindles on sunny days like these. So I sit at my computer clicking the "Facebook" button over and over again. I switch songs on my I-tunes, listen to the same ones over and over again. Wait for someone to send me an IM message. Get annoyed and play my guitar. And then get annoyed because I'm not good enough yet--I'm so limited by my skill, even though I do know quite a bit, when I think about it.
But my point is that I get annoyed at my own boredom. I'm not satisfied with the fact that, besides the lack of things to do, I'm at a pretty good point in my life. I let the heat and sweat get the better of me, even though I have the fan on high in my room at this moment. I'm really not that hot indoors. Worse things could be happening than a prolonged period of sunlight.
I'm incredibly selfish like that. I always focus on my own problems, my own wishes, everything about my own life. And I get mad when things don't go the way I wish they would. It's like it's impossible for me to step outside my skin for even a minute and think about other people and the problems they have.
I wish I could change it...I wish I could sit here in my room and keep smiling as I strum out a new song on my guitar. I wish I could only be sad for other people. I wish I could be happy with my life and step away from it for a bit to let it run its course. Complaining won't get me anywhere--it will just make me even more annoyed.
Ahh "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz just popped into my head :] I love that song! Every time I listen to it I feel happy. It gives me hope and gives me this feeling that I need to keep enjoying life and look past the bad stuff. "Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours."
~Stephanie
A Year Ago Today
It seems that on birthdays, I am never myself. I become very passive, and let other people do whatever they want for me. It's like, the ONE day a year I have a right to be demanding, I'm not... I spend all year trying to get people to pay attention to me, but when I am finally in the spotlight, I become shy and withdrawn, and wish that everyone would stop making such a fuss over me. I have found that on days like today, I become an appeaser--"Whatever makes you happy makes me happy." I don't like this about myself. When everyone pays attention to me, I can't seem to keep my wits about me. I don't talk back, I shrug it off and hide...
Let me give you an example. This year, I am spending some time with my family in New York. Yesterday, we had a big party for one of my cousins, who just got married last month. So today, we have a lot of leftover food, including an entire white cake, which has to be frosted, but otherwise would be a good birthday cake. Tonight, my family is going over to my uncle's house, because his daughter wants to make me cupcakes for my birthday. But we were talking about it for a little while and decided, wouldn't it be better to just bring the cake we have over to my uncle's house and eat that? It shouldn't be wasted, and it'd be a hassle to go to the trouble to make cupcakes when we've already got cake that needs to be used. But we asked about doing that instead, and it turns out, my cousin wants to make me cupcakes because she wants to make chocolate, and she won't eat white cake.
I think that kinda sucks, don't you? I mean, whose birthday is it, after all? Nobody asked me what I want, they just decided that they were going to do this for me. The truth is, I'm not happy with it. I don't even really like cake. If they wanted to make me something, I say make me brownies! But it's not about me. Especially not on my birthday.
The thing that I hate most, though, is that I'm going to let my cousin be spoiled, because I'm not going to say anything about it. I'm not going to complain that I don't want cupcakes, or that nobody asked me if I wanted them to do something special for me for my birthday. Today, of all days, I avoid confrontation. Normally, I would say something--I wouldn't let someone walk all over me like this. But today, on my birthday, I'm not really myself. I'm not even going to bring it up. I'm just thankful that I'm not like this all the time...
I remember that last year I was like this too. My family was making a big stink about what we were going to have for dinner. It's tradition in my family for the person whose birthday it is to choose where they want to go out to dinner, but I kind of gave up my right that day, and let my family decide what they wanted to have. I was even okay with the crappy pizza place down the street from our house, that makes huge but mediocre pizzas for very cheap. But I was most insistant that they settled on a place and stopped fighting about it. I don't remember what we had for dinner that night, but I remember that my last birthday kinda sucked.
It's kinda funny remembering a year ago today. A year ago today, I went to visit my friend who has leukemia in the hospital. I was very shaken by the experience, because it was my first brush with real life, I think, and it terrified me. I felt so bad for him, but then, it was only the beginning. He had only been in the hospital about a month then. He has gone through so much since, in and out of the hospital all year. That was the only time I ever visited him.
A year ago today I went out to lunch with the guy I liked. We went to Pat and Oscar's, and talked about stupid things. They seemed important then, but they aren't, and they never were. I wrote a list of movies that I needed to watch on a napkin in Sharpie. I still haven't seen any of them. I dated that guy, but we broke up. I don't talk to him anymore.
A year ago today, I listened to the musical "Company" for the first time. The whole idea of the musical is that the main character, Robert, is looking for someone who loves him but is afraid of committment. By the end of the musical, he decides that he is ready to commit to someone, because he finally understands that committment and marriage is about taking someone's goods with their bads and loving them anyway. I love the musical, but I don't think I've learned anything, because I haven't been too successful in loving someone and being willing, or able, to commit to them.
A year ago today, I overheard my brother complaining about me, for some stupid reason. I realized that my horoscope predicted this, and I laughed. Sometimes, it's scarily accurate. Other times it's dead wrong. It hasn't been accurate for a while now. I don't know if that's significant or not.
A year ago today, I still had one of my cousins, my grandma, and my godfather. A year ago today, I had nothing but A's on my transcript. A year ago today, I never cried. A year ago today, I saw myself as a little sister to most of my friends. A year ago today, I had straight hair. None of that is the same anymore... I've aged only a year, but that one year took its toll on me, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear Emma...
Today, I found a quote from Calvin and Hobbes. I don't think it is necessarily about a birthday, but it applies. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." And that is very much how I feel right now.
Happy birthday to me.
Let me give you an example. This year, I am spending some time with my family in New York. Yesterday, we had a big party for one of my cousins, who just got married last month. So today, we have a lot of leftover food, including an entire white cake, which has to be frosted, but otherwise would be a good birthday cake. Tonight, my family is going over to my uncle's house, because his daughter wants to make me cupcakes for my birthday. But we were talking about it for a little while and decided, wouldn't it be better to just bring the cake we have over to my uncle's house and eat that? It shouldn't be wasted, and it'd be a hassle to go to the trouble to make cupcakes when we've already got cake that needs to be used. But we asked about doing that instead, and it turns out, my cousin wants to make me cupcakes because she wants to make chocolate, and she won't eat white cake.
I think that kinda sucks, don't you? I mean, whose birthday is it, after all? Nobody asked me what I want, they just decided that they were going to do this for me. The truth is, I'm not happy with it. I don't even really like cake. If they wanted to make me something, I say make me brownies! But it's not about me. Especially not on my birthday.
The thing that I hate most, though, is that I'm going to let my cousin be spoiled, because I'm not going to say anything about it. I'm not going to complain that I don't want cupcakes, or that nobody asked me if I wanted them to do something special for me for my birthday. Today, of all days, I avoid confrontation. Normally, I would say something--I wouldn't let someone walk all over me like this. But today, on my birthday, I'm not really myself. I'm not even going to bring it up. I'm just thankful that I'm not like this all the time...
I remember that last year I was like this too. My family was making a big stink about what we were going to have for dinner. It's tradition in my family for the person whose birthday it is to choose where they want to go out to dinner, but I kind of gave up my right that day, and let my family decide what they wanted to have. I was even okay with the crappy pizza place down the street from our house, that makes huge but mediocre pizzas for very cheap. But I was most insistant that they settled on a place and stopped fighting about it. I don't remember what we had for dinner that night, but I remember that my last birthday kinda sucked.
It's kinda funny remembering a year ago today. A year ago today, I went to visit my friend who has leukemia in the hospital. I was very shaken by the experience, because it was my first brush with real life, I think, and it terrified me. I felt so bad for him, but then, it was only the beginning. He had only been in the hospital about a month then. He has gone through so much since, in and out of the hospital all year. That was the only time I ever visited him.
A year ago today I went out to lunch with the guy I liked. We went to Pat and Oscar's, and talked about stupid things. They seemed important then, but they aren't, and they never were. I wrote a list of movies that I needed to watch on a napkin in Sharpie. I still haven't seen any of them. I dated that guy, but we broke up. I don't talk to him anymore.
A year ago today, I listened to the musical "Company" for the first time. The whole idea of the musical is that the main character, Robert, is looking for someone who loves him but is afraid of committment. By the end of the musical, he decides that he is ready to commit to someone, because he finally understands that committment and marriage is about taking someone's goods with their bads and loving them anyway. I love the musical, but I don't think I've learned anything, because I haven't been too successful in loving someone and being willing, or able, to commit to them.
A year ago today, I overheard my brother complaining about me, for some stupid reason. I realized that my horoscope predicted this, and I laughed. Sometimes, it's scarily accurate. Other times it's dead wrong. It hasn't been accurate for a while now. I don't know if that's significant or not.
A year ago today, I still had one of my cousins, my grandma, and my godfather. A year ago today, I had nothing but A's on my transcript. A year ago today, I never cried. A year ago today, I saw myself as a little sister to most of my friends. A year ago today, I had straight hair. None of that is the same anymore... I've aged only a year, but that one year took its toll on me, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear Emma...
Today, I found a quote from Calvin and Hobbes. I don't think it is necessarily about a birthday, but it applies. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." And that is very much how I feel right now.
Happy birthday to me.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Family and Friends... or is it "or"?
I don't know why I keep posting new blogs, especially when my posts don't make any sense. Ah well...
Anywayz, I was thinking in the car on my way home from school today, about something that I've thought about many times in the past. I want to know what exactly is a friend? What are they for? And how far are you supposed to go for your family? Shouldn't you have family AND friends? There shouldn't be times where you have to choose between the two, right?
Friends can vary as to the strength of your ties with them. Some friends are nothing more than light acquaintences you can say hi to and walk with sometimes in the halls at school, and laugh with in class. Others are closer, and they eat lunch with you and hang out with you outside of school. And still others are like your second family, and you exchange all your secrets with them, and trust them completely. (And then there are those "friends" who are actually backstabbers... but that's not the point of this post.)
Family, on the otherhand, are the people bonded to you through flesh and blood - it wasn't your choice to be related to them but you are. And families are SUPPOSED to love each other - they're supposed to be the people you love the most and stuff like that...
But there are a lot of messed up families in the world.
Some parents are neglectful. Or nonexistant... or dead. Or abusive. Etc.
Some children are troublemakers. Distant, hateful, silent. Etc.
Some siblings absolutely HATE each other. Etc.
I don't know... isn't that just a sad, heart-wrenching thing to know? Why can't all people live in lovely, loving families? But anyway, I didn't really want to talk about that... I guess I got a bit off topic.
Families (meaning parents, really, since I'm a child and am writing this from that point of view) shouldn't place barriers between you and your friends, right? If your parents are controlling the things you say to your friends, then what's the point of having those friends? It's like writing letters to someone and having someone else censor all of them. None of what you really want to say is getting through, so the receiver of the letter has no idea of the REAL you, and all that. You might as well stop writing letters...
But... shouldn't a child obey their parents? In the culture I was raised in, you're supposed to obey your parents even when they're wrong. Which I really resent, by the way... But that's my culture.
And so... if parents DID do that... what is a child to do? If they obey, they end up feeling isolated from their friends, presenting a fake front. If they refuse to obey, and the parents find out, that causes major problems at home. So, which is more important, your family or your friends? This brings to mind that saying, "Friends are the family you choose."
Am I coming across here? Does anyone reading this understand what I'm trying to say? I don't think parents should do that. But if there's an issue at home that a kid wants to talk about to their friends, you know, to have someone there for them when their foundation, their family at home, is having problems, what is the kid supposed to do? That family issue is personal... belonging to the family. So... the parents tell the kid not to tell anyone else about their problem. But that kid is dying inside to tell someone, otherwise they'll be infected by this darkness that they can't get rid of, cuz it's bottled up inside them. That's not very healthy, is it? But that kid has obligation to their parents...
I know some of you will read this and go, "Duh! The kid should tell their friends!" But my mind grew up in a family where friends are supposed to be second... where friends live on the outskirts, with a wall inbetween, while the family lives in the center. So I honestly don't know the answer to this question. I'm an American-born Asian. The "Asian" in me is clashing with the "American" in me. I just don't know the answer to this question...
~Jenn~
Anywayz, I was thinking in the car on my way home from school today, about something that I've thought about many times in the past. I want to know what exactly is a friend? What are they for? And how far are you supposed to go for your family? Shouldn't you have family AND friends? There shouldn't be times where you have to choose between the two, right?
Friends can vary as to the strength of your ties with them. Some friends are nothing more than light acquaintences you can say hi to and walk with sometimes in the halls at school, and laugh with in class. Others are closer, and they eat lunch with you and hang out with you outside of school. And still others are like your second family, and you exchange all your secrets with them, and trust them completely. (And then there are those "friends" who are actually backstabbers... but that's not the point of this post.)
Family, on the otherhand, are the people bonded to you through flesh and blood - it wasn't your choice to be related to them but you are. And families are SUPPOSED to love each other - they're supposed to be the people you love the most and stuff like that...
But there are a lot of messed up families in the world.
Some parents are neglectful. Or nonexistant... or dead. Or abusive. Etc.
Some children are troublemakers. Distant, hateful, silent. Etc.
Some siblings absolutely HATE each other. Etc.
I don't know... isn't that just a sad, heart-wrenching thing to know? Why can't all people live in lovely, loving families? But anyway, I didn't really want to talk about that... I guess I got a bit off topic.
Families (meaning parents, really, since I'm a child and am writing this from that point of view) shouldn't place barriers between you and your friends, right? If your parents are controlling the things you say to your friends, then what's the point of having those friends? It's like writing letters to someone and having someone else censor all of them. None of what you really want to say is getting through, so the receiver of the letter has no idea of the REAL you, and all that. You might as well stop writing letters...
But... shouldn't a child obey their parents? In the culture I was raised in, you're supposed to obey your parents even when they're wrong. Which I really resent, by the way... But that's my culture.
And so... if parents DID do that... what is a child to do? If they obey, they end up feeling isolated from their friends, presenting a fake front. If they refuse to obey, and the parents find out, that causes major problems at home. So, which is more important, your family or your friends? This brings to mind that saying, "Friends are the family you choose."
Am I coming across here? Does anyone reading this understand what I'm trying to say? I don't think parents should do that. But if there's an issue at home that a kid wants to talk about to their friends, you know, to have someone there for them when their foundation, their family at home, is having problems, what is the kid supposed to do? That family issue is personal... belonging to the family. So... the parents tell the kid not to tell anyone else about their problem. But that kid is dying inside to tell someone, otherwise they'll be infected by this darkness that they can't get rid of, cuz it's bottled up inside them. That's not very healthy, is it? But that kid has obligation to their parents...
I know some of you will read this and go, "Duh! The kid should tell their friends!" But my mind grew up in a family where friends are supposed to be second... where friends live on the outskirts, with a wall inbetween, while the family lives in the center. So I honestly don't know the answer to this question. I'm an American-born Asian. The "Asian" in me is clashing with the "American" in me. I just don't know the answer to this question...
~Jenn~
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