A Year Ago Today

It seems that on birthdays, I am never myself. I become very passive, and let other people do whatever they want for me. It's like, the ONE day a year I have a right to be demanding, I'm not... I spend all year trying to get people to pay attention to me, but when I am finally in the spotlight, I become shy and withdrawn, and wish that everyone would stop making such a fuss over me. I have found that on days like today, I become an appeaser--"Whatever makes you happy makes me happy." I don't like this about myself. When everyone pays attention to me, I can't seem to keep my wits about me. I don't talk back, I shrug it off and hide...

Let me give you an example. This year, I am spending some time with my family in New York. Yesterday, we had a big party for one of my cousins, who just got married last month. So today, we have a lot of leftover food, including an entire white cake, which has to be frosted, but otherwise would be a good birthday cake. Tonight, my family is going over to my uncle's house, because his daughter wants to make me cupcakes for my birthday. But we were talking about it for a little while and decided, wouldn't it be better to just bring the cake we have over to my uncle's house and eat that? It shouldn't be wasted, and it'd be a hassle to go to the trouble to make cupcakes when we've already got cake that needs to be used. But we asked about doing that instead, and it turns out, my cousin wants to make me cupcakes because she wants to make chocolate, and she won't eat white cake.

I think that kinda sucks, don't you? I mean, whose birthday is it, after all? Nobody asked me what I want, they just decided that they were going to do this for me. The truth is, I'm not happy with it. I don't even really like cake. If they wanted to make me something, I say make me brownies! But it's not about me. Especially not on my birthday.

The thing that I hate most, though, is that I'm going to let my cousin be spoiled, because I'm not going to say anything about it. I'm not going to complain that I don't want cupcakes, or that nobody asked me if I wanted them to do something special for me for my birthday. Today, of all days, I avoid confrontation. Normally, I would say something--I wouldn't let someone walk all over me like this. But today, on my birthday, I'm not really myself. I'm not even going to bring it up. I'm just thankful that I'm not like this all the time...

I remember that last year I was like this too. My family was making a big stink about what we were going to have for dinner. It's tradition in my family for the person whose birthday it is to choose where they want to go out to dinner, but I kind of gave up my right that day, and let my family decide what they wanted to have. I was even okay with the crappy pizza place down the street from our house, that makes huge but mediocre pizzas for very cheap. But I was most insistant that they settled on a place and stopped fighting about it. I don't remember what we had for dinner that night, but I remember that my last birthday kinda sucked.

It's kinda funny remembering a year ago today. A year ago today, I went to visit my friend who has leukemia in the hospital. I was very shaken by the experience, because it was my first brush with real life, I think, and it terrified me. I felt so bad for him, but then, it was only the beginning. He had only been in the hospital about a month then. He has gone through so much since, in and out of the hospital all year. That was the only time I ever visited him.

A year ago today I went out to lunch with the guy I liked. We went to Pat and Oscar's, and talked about stupid things. They seemed important then, but they aren't, and they never were. I wrote a list of movies that I needed to watch on a napkin in Sharpie. I still haven't seen any of them. I dated that guy, but we broke up. I don't talk to him anymore.

A year ago today, I listened to the musical "Company" for the first time. The whole idea of the musical is that the main character, Robert, is looking for someone who loves him but is afraid of committment. By the end of the musical, he decides that he is ready to commit to someone, because he finally understands that committment and marriage is about taking someone's goods with their bads and loving them anyway. I love the musical, but I don't think I've learned anything, because I haven't been too successful in loving someone and being willing, or able, to commit to them.

A year ago today, I overheard my brother complaining about me, for some stupid reason. I realized that my horoscope predicted this, and I laughed. Sometimes, it's scarily accurate. Other times it's dead wrong. It hasn't been accurate for a while now. I don't know if that's significant or not.

A year ago today, I still had one of my cousins, my grandma, and my godfather. A year ago today, I had nothing but A's on my transcript. A year ago today, I never cried. A year ago today, I saw myself as a little sister to most of my friends. A year ago today, I had straight hair. None of that is the same anymore... I've aged only a year, but that one year took its toll on me, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear Emma...

Today, I found a quote from Calvin and Hobbes. I don't think it is necessarily about a birthday, but it applies. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." And that is very much how I feel right now.

Happy birthday to me.