My Thoughts

The leaves outside are still a very dark green. I wish they would turn colors this year, like the leaves back in Vermont. It's pretty on the East Coast. There's such a vast expanse of trees and mountains, and everything is so green I wish it would fill me up and consume me, to drown out everything I feel inside my heart. Sometimes I wish I could go back there. It's so far away from all of this...I might actually feel whole again if I went back. Closer to God. Distanced from everything else in this world.

Don't get me wrong. I love my home, my life, my world — everything about it. What I despise is my inability to handle the decisions and problems that come my way. Or, at least, my lack of faith. Only when the suffering has moved elsewhere do I realize that I did handle it, that I am capable of handling immense pain. It's the waiting that gets to me. Knowing you need to be patient and actually having patience are two very different things.

And not knowing what to do...wondering if your patience will even amount to anything, or if you should just give everything up now and try to somehow get over him...Only it doesn't even work, cause the better half of you doesn't want to give up. So you have a very limited number of choices —

1. Keep waiting and fighting, no matter how long it takes, hoping something good will come of it.

2. Do nothing and let life move you along as it pleases. This option is much harder than it seems...I think all of us have a desire for control, which makes doing nothing virtually impossible.

3. Well what else can you do? Maybe create an entirely new image in your mind that forces you to stop liking this person — at least until you see him again. I guess that might work...if you have the will to actually stop liking him.

So yeah. I believe those are the three options you can choose from. Or I can choose from. Maybe there are others...I don't know. Someone clue me in, lol.

I think my distress comes from several things — my inability to move on, my impatience, and my lack of knowledge. I can't see the future. And I honestly don't even want to see the future. I don't want to know exactly what will happen, cause that would be far too predictable and would probably ruin everything. It's the waiting that makes everything worthwhile in the end, even if you don't get what you expected. Sometimes the unexpected is more perfect. The better ending.

I pray God will give me the patience I need and help me face whatever comes my way. I need His help so much...so so much. I don't want this situation to consume my thoughts. God deserves my attention and my thanks. He's already helped me so much — I am constantly perplexed when I try to remember all of the things He's done for me. He brought me here, to this moment and this place, for a reason, I'm sure.

So how can I not have faith?

~Steph