Some people have noticed something’s been a little off about me lately. I’m just not myself. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone in the world around me. I feel insignificant. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel tired, and confused, and helpless, and forgotten, and stupid, and frustrated, and selfish, and guilty, and unwanted, and embarrassed. But why? I’m sure I could list a million reasons why I feel stupid or tired. But that’s not the point. I’m not sure what is, but I am sure that’s not it. Is something wrong with me? Maybe. Who knows? What if there is? When then? What if I’m fine? I don’t feel fine. Where do I go from here? Where can I go when I feel so abandoned and rejected? Look at me. Just that sentence annoys me. That one too. All I think about is myself. Everything I just wrote, me, me, me, me, me. It’s always about me. I wish I’d get over myself. I can’t blame other people for not wanting me around. If I were them, I wouldn’t want me around either. That reminds me of some lyrics “I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me.” I’m afraid, too. Afraid to be honest. Vulnerable. To commit. To let go. To trust. There is a part of me that wants to cry out. To scream the air out of my lungs. But another part says no. That’s too scary. I don’t want other people to know. I don’t want to let them in. But I do. I can’t decide which I want more. Sometimes I hate myself. At least parts of me. I wish I didn't. Help.
-K
Friday, September 12, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
My Thoughts
The leaves outside are still a very dark green. I wish they would turn colors this year, like the leaves back in Vermont. It's pretty on the East Coast. There's such a vast expanse of trees and mountains, and everything is so green I wish it would fill me up and consume me, to drown out everything I feel inside my heart. Sometimes I wish I could go back there. It's so far away from all of this...I might actually feel whole again if I went back. Closer to God. Distanced from everything else in this world.
Don't get me wrong. I love my home, my life, my world — everything about it. What I despise is my inability to handle the decisions and problems that come my way. Or, at least, my lack of faith. Only when the suffering has moved elsewhere do I realize that I did handle it, that I am capable of handling immense pain. It's the waiting that gets to me. Knowing you need to be patient and actually having patience are two very different things.
And not knowing what to do...wondering if your patience will even amount to anything, or if you should just give everything up now and try to somehow get over him...Only it doesn't even work, cause the better half of you doesn't want to give up. So you have a very limited number of choices —
1. Keep waiting and fighting, no matter how long it takes, hoping something good will come of it.
2. Do nothing and let life move you along as it pleases. This option is much harder than it seems...I think all of us have a desire for control, which makes doing nothing virtually impossible.
3. Well what else can you do? Maybe create an entirely new image in your mind that forces you to stop liking this person — at least until you see him again. I guess that might work...if you have the will to actually stop liking him.
So yeah. I believe those are the three options you can choose from. Or I can choose from. Maybe there are others...I don't know. Someone clue me in, lol.
I think my distress comes from several things — my inability to move on, my impatience, and my lack of knowledge. I can't see the future. And I honestly don't even want to see the future. I don't want to know exactly what will happen, cause that would be far too predictable and would probably ruin everything. It's the waiting that makes everything worthwhile in the end, even if you don't get what you expected. Sometimes the unexpected is more perfect. The better ending.
I pray God will give me the patience I need and help me face whatever comes my way. I need His help so much...so so much. I don't want this situation to consume my thoughts. God deserves my attention and my thanks. He's already helped me so much — I am constantly perplexed when I try to remember all of the things He's done for me. He brought me here, to this moment and this place, for a reason, I'm sure.
So how can I not have faith?
~Steph
Don't get me wrong. I love my home, my life, my world — everything about it. What I despise is my inability to handle the decisions and problems that come my way. Or, at least, my lack of faith. Only when the suffering has moved elsewhere do I realize that I did handle it, that I am capable of handling immense pain. It's the waiting that gets to me. Knowing you need to be patient and actually having patience are two very different things.
And not knowing what to do...wondering if your patience will even amount to anything, or if you should just give everything up now and try to somehow get over him...Only it doesn't even work, cause the better half of you doesn't want to give up. So you have a very limited number of choices —
1. Keep waiting and fighting, no matter how long it takes, hoping something good will come of it.
2. Do nothing and let life move you along as it pleases. This option is much harder than it seems...I think all of us have a desire for control, which makes doing nothing virtually impossible.
3. Well what else can you do? Maybe create an entirely new image in your mind that forces you to stop liking this person — at least until you see him again. I guess that might work...if you have the will to actually stop liking him.
So yeah. I believe those are the three options you can choose from. Or I can choose from. Maybe there are others...I don't know. Someone clue me in, lol.
I think my distress comes from several things — my inability to move on, my impatience, and my lack of knowledge. I can't see the future. And I honestly don't even want to see the future. I don't want to know exactly what will happen, cause that would be far too predictable and would probably ruin everything. It's the waiting that makes everything worthwhile in the end, even if you don't get what you expected. Sometimes the unexpected is more perfect. The better ending.
I pray God will give me the patience I need and help me face whatever comes my way. I need His help so much...so so much. I don't want this situation to consume my thoughts. God deserves my attention and my thanks. He's already helped me so much — I am constantly perplexed when I try to remember all of the things He's done for me. He brought me here, to this moment and this place, for a reason, I'm sure.
So how can I not have faith?
~Steph
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I wonder what's so important about August 5th...
The whole schedule for 08/05/08. Woke up -> picked up registration packet -> Red Lobster -> few hours later -> dinner -> Mummy (2.5/5 I think I’m being nice about it) -> home writing this blog. Yes I know boring and very uneventful but today was MY BIRTHDAY.
Unfortunately, my birthday reminded me that I only have 2 more weeks until school starts and I still have 2 more summer assignments to go. AHHH!!! But this school year, I look forward to making every second count. It is junior year after all and I need those grades to get into any college I want. I’m especially excited for being a part of the Women’s Ensemble, the dances, getting to meet new people and to know my friends better. J
Thank you family and friends for making this day very special, my sweet 16. Most of you guys remembered that today is my birthday. No I did not have any candles today, but hearing or seeing your wishes for me made me feel special. It’s amazing that 15 years have come and past and I’m really just beginning my life’s journey. 2 years from now I’ll probably be saying goodbye to family and friends as I leave for college. But let’s not dwell on that sad note, but on the happier note that I have come to know and love many of you. I will see a few of you guys soon. I can’t wait for what God has in mind for me.
Today I turned a year older
I’m not this little girl anymore
I have more responsibilities
But I can still goof off with my friends
Today I’m still in love with the Jonas Brothers
‘Cause I can’t have a guy of my own
I’m not as obsessed with Twilight or Harry Potter
I’ll always remember what I was attached to at this age
Today I strongly believe in God’s love
That he has a plan for me
I’m smiling ‘cause I’m so blessed
With a life filled with opportunities
Today I didn’t blow any candles
I had 2 bowls of ice cream instead
I doubt I’m as innocent as I was freshman year
But I might just be a little more mature
Today I’m 16 living a beautiful life.
Much love <3,
/\/\
P.S. In the words of the Jonas Brothers, “Live like you’re at the bottom, even if you’re at the top.”
Unfortunately, my birthday reminded me that I only have 2 more weeks until school starts and I still have 2 more summer assignments to go. AHHH!!! But this school year, I look forward to making every second count. It is junior year after all and I need those grades to get into any college I want. I’m especially excited for being a part of the Women’s Ensemble, the dances, getting to meet new people and to know my friends better. J
Thank you family and friends for making this day very special, my sweet 16. Most of you guys remembered that today is my birthday. No I did not have any candles today, but hearing or seeing your wishes for me made me feel special. It’s amazing that 15 years have come and past and I’m really just beginning my life’s journey. 2 years from now I’ll probably be saying goodbye to family and friends as I leave for college. But let’s not dwell on that sad note, but on the happier note that I have come to know and love many of you. I will see a few of you guys soon. I can’t wait for what God has in mind for me.
Today I turned a year older
I’m not this little girl anymore
I have more responsibilities
But I can still goof off with my friends
Today I’m still in love with the Jonas Brothers
‘Cause I can’t have a guy of my own
I’m not as obsessed with Twilight or Harry Potter
I’ll always remember what I was attached to at this age
Today I strongly believe in God’s love
That he has a plan for me
I’m smiling ‘cause I’m so blessed
With a life filled with opportunities
Today I didn’t blow any candles
I had 2 bowls of ice cream instead
I doubt I’m as innocent as I was freshman year
But I might just be a little more mature
Today I’m 16 living a beautiful life.
Much love <3,
/\/\
P.S. In the words of the Jonas Brothers, “Live like you’re at the bottom, even if you’re at the top.”
Sunday, July 20, 2008
A True Honor
I’m not very good at putting my thoughts into words, so I’m relying on this to speak for itself.
Yesterday was my brother’s Eagle Scout Court of Honor. Earning Eagle Scout is a huge deal, and I’m really proud of my brother. He’s worked toward this award for years and he has earned every bit of it. That being said, the ceremony was nice, long, but nice. It mainly consisted of different leaders that have been influential in my brother’s scouting career and life sharing memories and thoughts about my brother and how he has grown. Many of the speakers began with the first time they met Tommy, recalling his outgoing personality and big heart. They all talked about that summer camp and how Tommy was sort of an adopted member of their troop, sitting with them at meals because by chance he seemingly always wound up in line at about the same time as them. Several hours into the ceremony, it was finally my brother’s turn to make his speech. He wouldn’t let anyone see it before the ceremony so we all had absolutely no idea what he was going to say. Tommy told stories about when each leader had made or begun to make an impact in his life, defining moments, how Mr. W scolded him for giving our mom attitude, how Mr. M took his knife when he used it to cut down another scout’s canopy (that’s another story), and eventually he got to Mr. R. Tommy had told us that the boys from his old troop had teased him, but left it at that. Tommy started telling us how the boys would throw his food on the ground and step on it, how they ran his sleeping bag up the flag pole, and how they lied to him, saying that their leader had gone to the office to call our parents to pick him up from camp, and how he raced down to the office only to find that they boys had lied, the leader was not there, but also that walking back from the office how the boys tripped him, tied him up with a rope, and began kicking and teasing him. He recalled how his troop’s leaders sat by and did nothing, but at that moment Mr. R was walking by, and stopped the boys, untied Tommy’s legs, Mr. R truly saved my brother that day. But Tommy went on in his speech, thanking more people for their support, help, and guidance. All the chairs on the stage were full, but Tommy said “I would like to give one more award out. Now this isn’t an award because you did something consciously in a specific moment, it was for doing many things over many years, even though conscious, you weren’t aware of it. You have supported my beliefs and actions without question almost every time. I would like to award my last mentor pin to my sister Katie.”
I was so honored to be mentioned at all, but especially to know that I was up there with people like Mr. R, people of strong integrity and with great compassion. I don’t know exactly why I wrote this blog, I guess it’s a testimony to and a reminder of the potential our actions hold to impact others’ lives, great and small, I just wanted to share my feelings, whatever they may be, because to be honest I’m not really sure myself.
|/
|\atie
Yesterday was my brother’s Eagle Scout Court of Honor. Earning Eagle Scout is a huge deal, and I’m really proud of my brother. He’s worked toward this award for years and he has earned every bit of it. That being said, the ceremony was nice, long, but nice. It mainly consisted of different leaders that have been influential in my brother’s scouting career and life sharing memories and thoughts about my brother and how he has grown. Many of the speakers began with the first time they met Tommy, recalling his outgoing personality and big heart. They all talked about that summer camp and how Tommy was sort of an adopted member of their troop, sitting with them at meals because by chance he seemingly always wound up in line at about the same time as them. Several hours into the ceremony, it was finally my brother’s turn to make his speech. He wouldn’t let anyone see it before the ceremony so we all had absolutely no idea what he was going to say. Tommy told stories about when each leader had made or begun to make an impact in his life, defining moments, how Mr. W scolded him for giving our mom attitude, how Mr. M took his knife when he used it to cut down another scout’s canopy (that’s another story), and eventually he got to Mr. R. Tommy had told us that the boys from his old troop had teased him, but left it at that. Tommy started telling us how the boys would throw his food on the ground and step on it, how they ran his sleeping bag up the flag pole, and how they lied to him, saying that their leader had gone to the office to call our parents to pick him up from camp, and how he raced down to the office only to find that they boys had lied, the leader was not there, but also that walking back from the office how the boys tripped him, tied him up with a rope, and began kicking and teasing him. He recalled how his troop’s leaders sat by and did nothing, but at that moment Mr. R was walking by, and stopped the boys, untied Tommy’s legs, Mr. R truly saved my brother that day. But Tommy went on in his speech, thanking more people for their support, help, and guidance. All the chairs on the stage were full, but Tommy said “I would like to give one more award out. Now this isn’t an award because you did something consciously in a specific moment, it was for doing many things over many years, even though conscious, you weren’t aware of it. You have supported my beliefs and actions without question almost every time. I would like to award my last mentor pin to my sister Katie.”
I was so honored to be mentioned at all, but especially to know that I was up there with people like Mr. R, people of strong integrity and with great compassion. I don’t know exactly why I wrote this blog, I guess it’s a testimony to and a reminder of the potential our actions hold to impact others’ lives, great and small, I just wanted to share my feelings, whatever they may be, because to be honest I’m not really sure myself.
|/
|\atie
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Materialistic??? Idealistic????
My birthday is coming up in less than a month and I started thinking about stuff I want. Then I felt really shallow because I am so blessed to have a home, family, and friends. But a blessed person can't help wanting more materialistic things in life. Well some people can: monks, nuns, etc. Sometimes I wish I could be famous and have money that I can give away to charities and actually work with those charities. But for now, I am still growing up and still dealing with school and life.
Going back to my mater
ialistic/idealistic birthday wishes:
1. Meeting the Jonas Brothers XD
2. Look at that awesome bike to the left, WOW. The only bike I have ever owned is the barbie bike my aunt gave me when i was 9. I currently don't have a bike to ride.
3. All my summer assignments to be finished (That's more of work on my end.)
4. Breaking Dawn -> I already know I'm getting this gift for myself. :)
5. DVDs: Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6. Gift Cards: Borders, iTunes, Target
7. CDs: A Little Bit Longer, Wicked soundtrack, Prince Caspian soundtrack
8. Current Events: Iraq War to end, gasoline prices to go down
9. My Braces to be off before Homecoming
10. A Wonderful Birthday Party :)
Last week I spent time with the family in Vegas and I went to the beach on Sunday. During that time, I was totally reminded about this person I liked the entire year. By Sunday, I finally decided to let the crush I had on him go since it was going nowhere. Each day I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. However, I believe the love I think about is the idealistic love that are in stories and movies, not in real life. In real life, true love is hard to find and you have to work hard at keeping that love alive. Who am I to say that? I have never experienced that kind of love. While in Vegas I was reminded of him when I heard the Christina Aguilera impersonator sing Beautiful. Then I watched the water show at Bellagio and the song My Heart Will Go On (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YuuazFWPNE) came on. At the beach, I wrote his name 12 times in the sand and watched the waves wash his name away because I saw it as a symbol of letting go. I promise myself this year that I won't get so caught up in liking a guy, but instead be really great friends with the guy.
/\/\
Going back to my mater
ialistic/idealistic birthday wishes:1. Meeting the Jonas Brothers XD
2. Look at that awesome bike to the left, WOW. The only bike I have ever owned is the barbie bike my aunt gave me when i was 9. I currently don't have a bike to ride.
3. All my summer assignments to be finished (That's more of work on my end.)
4. Breaking Dawn -> I already know I'm getting this gift for myself. :)
5. DVDs: Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6. Gift Cards: Borders, iTunes, Target
7. CDs: A Little Bit Longer, Wicked soundtrack, Prince Caspian soundtrack
8. Current Events: Iraq War to end, gasoline prices to go down
9. My Braces to be off before Homecoming
10. A Wonderful Birthday Party :)
Last week I spent time with the family in Vegas and I went to the beach on Sunday. During that time, I was totally reminded about this person I liked the entire year. By Sunday, I finally decided to let the crush I had on him go since it was going nowhere. Each day I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. However, I believe the love I think about is the idealistic love that are in stories and movies, not in real life. In real life, true love is hard to find and you have to work hard at keeping that love alive. Who am I to say that? I have never experienced that kind of love. While in Vegas I was reminded of him when I heard the Christina Aguilera impersonator sing Beautiful. Then I watched the water show at Bellagio and the song My Heart Will Go On (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YuuazFWPNE) came on. At the beach, I wrote his name 12 times in the sand and watched the waves wash his name away because I saw it as a symbol of letting go. I promise myself this year that I won't get so caught up in liking a guy, but instead be really great friends with the guy.
/\/\
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Korea --> Doremifasolrasido --> The Meaning of Life --> My Testimony --> Sheltered Life VS Real Life --> My Future??? --> Start Looking!
So I took a trip to Korea and recently came back a couple days ago. It was so much fun!!! I have to admit that I miss it already, haha. NOT the mosquitos OR the hot, humid heat, though. Those were baddd.... -__-...
On the flight home I watched this Korean movie... erm... about 4 times... I can't remember how many times actually, but I know it was at least 3, and maybe I started it a 4th time but I think we had to leave the plane at that point, lol. It was called 도레미파솔라시도 (in English it's DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo... or DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo, I guess...), and it was based on a fanfiction that got really popular, LOL. The guy who wrote it actually helped write the screenplay, XD. I should read that fanfic somtime...
Anywayz, the point is that I totally got hooked on the movie and the music. -____- Someone save me... I fell asleep with the music in my head and woke up with it in my head too... omg this is getting annoying, lol...
Well that was random. Just needed to get it out, I guess, since the people around me would get annoyed if I started gushing about it to them yet AGAIN, XD.
You know what? How come ppl in this world don't think about why they're here? Eh? How come? Why do ppl wake up, go to work, eat lunch, go back to work, and come home for dinner, and start that routine over again the next day? Maybe they go out to have fun with their family and friends on the weekends or even weekdays... but why? What's the point? Hmm? And why do they not ask themselves that? Do they just expect to be born, live the best life they possibly can (and what is the definition of having a "best" life, anyway?), and die? Have their light dwindle and fade just like that? Huhh? Is that it? 0_o Why do they freakin do that?
Woa. A paragraph of questions. >.>;;
But I've been wondering about this a lot recently. Sure, some ppl will respond by saying that the meaning of life is just to be with the ones you love, and to make the best of what you've got. Or some might think that life is for finding who you are, and coping with whatever situation you have, and growing from that - learning from it. Enjoying life (or making the best of it) till your time comes. But is that enough? When you die, everything stops. Family doesn't matter, cuz you won't have them anymore. Who you are doesn't matter, cuz you've stopped existing in this world. All your possessions are gone. Your beautiful body, with your hair and your makeup and piercings, tatoos, stylish clothing you spent so much money on, will deteriote and be swallowed up by the Earth.
But I was also thinking... how do people continue living when they suffer so much on this Earth? I'm guessing a lot of the people alive right now have thought of suicide at least once before. Maybe only some, but those people are there. And then there are those who DO commit suicide. They were driven to such misery that they just wanted to stop feeling. To stop existing. To rest, I guess. To be honest, I've felt that feeling before too... sometimes I just want to... rest, you know? Like, it would be so much easier to end things cuz then you don't have stress, or pain, or emotional pain, or heartache... I haven't thought of suicide, but I guess that feeling of wanting to "rest" is the closest I've gotten to it. I hope it doesn't grow in the future.
In fact... I'm sure it WON'T grow in the future. Cuz I have Jesus. I had so many problems with Him and God and accepting him and all that shtuff in the past. I didn't understand Him, or why He was doing all this to us, or why He even let us hurt and suffer here... why He didn't just save everyone, cuz He has the power to do that, ya know. I just had so many questions... I just didn't understand... and I didn't like myself either... for having these problems. And deep down I felt like God didn't really love me. For the STRANGEST reason I thought that God DISLIKED me, even. I felt like I was weird, cuz none of my friends had this problem. I mean, they might've felt similar, I guess, but you can feel alienated even when you're not... -____-...
This feeling lasted for a month or two... it was torture. You don't know what it's like thinking crazy thougts like your own creator doesn't like you... I think I covered it pretty well. I'm pretty spazztic with my friends. But my moodiness would come thru sometimes...
Then one weekend I went to a praise band lock-in at my church. And I met God there. It was amazing. I opened up my heart to Him there like I hadn't done in so long, and I just felt His love and reassurance. I had to trust Him! And He loved me even tho I didn't even like myself! I couldn't believe this kind of love exists... lol every time I feel His love I start bawling, XDDD. Geez... you'd think I'd get used to it.. but nooo everytime He shows me just a little of His love for me despite my messed up mind I start crying like crazy. Lol. Oh God, thank you so much...
I came back to school after that weekend, a new person. I'm sure no one at school could tell, but it was my heart that had been healed. I was so joyous at that period. :) I swear I wanted to hug everyone there, but I tried to contain myself. I only hugged a few friends like, once or twice each. ;) I just... wanted to show them God's love. I guess that's what they mean about when your heart overflows good acts come from that...
I remember one sermon my pastor had. It was dedicated to those in the youth group going off to college. She said to remember God, and not to leave Him just cuz you were "free" in the world now. She said that everything you do has consequences... and out there in the real world, it's not gonna be small consequences like, small bouts of depression (like the ones I had! I started listening attently at that point...) that might only last a few days, maybe a few weeks. In the real world, you might get depression for years. You might even want to do suicide. College students often do... (esp. in Asia. Those poor students... I just want them to relax!!! Don't throw your precious lives away for grades... you lost ppl, please don't do that...)
It's not like once you get to college you start thinking about suicide. I hope not. 0_o But she had a point. I left church today thinking how sheltered my life really was. My life... right now I'm living in a fake world, protected by my parents and school and shtuff.... but when I go to college I'll be by myself, out in that big scary world. Isn't that a scary feeling? Exciting, maybe? Well, for me it's a scary feeling. I don't even know what I want to do with my life yet. Do you know how nervous that makes me? I don't have a freakin clue. Not. A. Single. Clue. I wanna... marry a rich guy and have fun for the rest of my life, lol. Jk jk, XDDD.
Lessee... what are my passions... music. Oohhh, music. Thank you God for giving us ears to hear and instruments to make music with. And THANK YOU for the human voice! It's so beautiful... every single voice I hear... and you ppl who smoke, you're ruining your beautiful voices! That makes me sad. I feel sad every time I hear a person who's damaged their voice with smoking... and then I wonder what they might've sounded like before... something really beautiful, prolly. Even ppl who can't sing well have interesting voices to listen to when they talk. And the goofy, squeaky voices are funny to listen to! ^^ I like them all...
Erm, anwyayz, music is a big passion. But I can't make a career out of that! What could I do? I can't play piano well enough to make it out in the music field, and idwant to teach students piano all day... and I'm def. not good enough at flute. Which kinda depresses me, actually. -___-
And I can't compose music like my friends can! They're amazing! What am I to do among a world full of so much talent....? *sigh*...
Lessee what else... (wow I'm listening to this one song by DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo on repeat right now... and I'm still not tired of it! lol... someone help me... T_T...)
I love writing. Not essays, although sometimes when I'm fired up about the topic and actually CARE about it writing essays can be interesting... even fun sometimes. But I really love writing stories. They all suck, of course, but I'm writing one right now that might turn into something... i dunno. I have low confidence in this area. And it doesn't help that some of my friends are AMAZING writers.... it makes me happy reading their stories, or pieces of their creative writing, cuz I feel proud of their ability - amazed sometimes - but at the same time I start feeling depressed about my own story, lol. That's wrong thinking, right? *sigh*... I gotta get my head straight!! >:(
And essay writing doesn't REALLY help in life, does it? Well, it depends on what I want to do... so I gotta pick something that has to do with writing essays???? God help me.... no, really. God, please help me. I don't know that the hell I want to do... this half-assed crazy idea of going to help ppl in Africa is floating around randomly in my mind, but idk if I have the courage to do it, or HOW to do it, or if God wants me to to that for Him... do you, God? I need some clearer hints here...
...what the heck is this blog supposed to be about??
...O_O...
Why am I so random.... T_T....
I guess what I was trying to say was... you have to find something to latch onto in this life. Something to give you meaning. A purpose. Otherwise, what good is life? Everything is temporary. Even your lover. Even that one person you love the most in the whole wide world - that one person you'd die for. That person will die one day, and so will you. Maybe it'll be of old age, or maybe they might end life on purpose. Maybe you'll do that one day (I sincerely hope not).
And don't just sit there and go on with your life, WAITING for that meaning to come on to you!! It's waiting for you!!! What the hell are you doing, sitting there in your chair and being miserable for the things that happened today??? Wondering if you'll ever find out why you're here!! Get the hell out of your chair and start looking already!!! It's not that hard to find why you're here. All the bad days, bad moments, and shitfilled times of your life are temporary - but so are the good ones. Don't get so caught up in the material things of life that you fail to take care of your heart... your soul. Don't let it become empty. Or lonely... Or damaged. And if it's already these things, there's a cure. Just find it. No matter how many times you fall into these things, I swear there's a cure. I've been treated, so I know.
*sigh* My posts are so random, I swear. And they don't make sense either, lol. XDDD
Well, here's to hoping I helped SOMEONE out there....
~Jenn~
On the flight home I watched this Korean movie... erm... about 4 times... I can't remember how many times actually, but I know it was at least 3, and maybe I started it a 4th time but I think we had to leave the plane at that point, lol. It was called 도레미파솔라시도 (in English it's DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo... or DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo, I guess...), and it was based on a fanfiction that got really popular, LOL. The guy who wrote it actually helped write the screenplay, XD. I should read that fanfic somtime...
Anywayz, the point is that I totally got hooked on the movie and the music. -____- Someone save me... I fell asleep with the music in my head and woke up with it in my head too... omg this is getting annoying, lol...
Well that was random. Just needed to get it out, I guess, since the people around me would get annoyed if I started gushing about it to them yet AGAIN, XD.
You know what? How come ppl in this world don't think about why they're here? Eh? How come? Why do ppl wake up, go to work, eat lunch, go back to work, and come home for dinner, and start that routine over again the next day? Maybe they go out to have fun with their family and friends on the weekends or even weekdays... but why? What's the point? Hmm? And why do they not ask themselves that? Do they just expect to be born, live the best life they possibly can (and what is the definition of having a "best" life, anyway?), and die? Have their light dwindle and fade just like that? Huhh? Is that it? 0_o Why do they freakin do that?
Woa. A paragraph of questions. >.>;;
But I've been wondering about this a lot recently. Sure, some ppl will respond by saying that the meaning of life is just to be with the ones you love, and to make the best of what you've got. Or some might think that life is for finding who you are, and coping with whatever situation you have, and growing from that - learning from it. Enjoying life (or making the best of it) till your time comes. But is that enough? When you die, everything stops. Family doesn't matter, cuz you won't have them anymore. Who you are doesn't matter, cuz you've stopped existing in this world. All your possessions are gone. Your beautiful body, with your hair and your makeup and piercings, tatoos, stylish clothing you spent so much money on, will deteriote and be swallowed up by the Earth.
But I was also thinking... how do people continue living when they suffer so much on this Earth? I'm guessing a lot of the people alive right now have thought of suicide at least once before. Maybe only some, but those people are there. And then there are those who DO commit suicide. They were driven to such misery that they just wanted to stop feeling. To stop existing. To rest, I guess. To be honest, I've felt that feeling before too... sometimes I just want to... rest, you know? Like, it would be so much easier to end things cuz then you don't have stress, or pain, or emotional pain, or heartache... I haven't thought of suicide, but I guess that feeling of wanting to "rest" is the closest I've gotten to it. I hope it doesn't grow in the future.
In fact... I'm sure it WON'T grow in the future. Cuz I have Jesus. I had so many problems with Him and God and accepting him and all that shtuff in the past. I didn't understand Him, or why He was doing all this to us, or why He even let us hurt and suffer here... why He didn't just save everyone, cuz He has the power to do that, ya know. I just had so many questions... I just didn't understand... and I didn't like myself either... for having these problems. And deep down I felt like God didn't really love me. For the STRANGEST reason I thought that God DISLIKED me, even. I felt like I was weird, cuz none of my friends had this problem. I mean, they might've felt similar, I guess, but you can feel alienated even when you're not... -____-...
This feeling lasted for a month or two... it was torture. You don't know what it's like thinking crazy thougts like your own creator doesn't like you... I think I covered it pretty well. I'm pretty spazztic with my friends. But my moodiness would come thru sometimes...
Then one weekend I went to a praise band lock-in at my church. And I met God there. It was amazing. I opened up my heart to Him there like I hadn't done in so long, and I just felt His love and reassurance. I had to trust Him! And He loved me even tho I didn't even like myself! I couldn't believe this kind of love exists... lol every time I feel His love I start bawling, XDDD. Geez... you'd think I'd get used to it.. but nooo everytime He shows me just a little of His love for me despite my messed up mind I start crying like crazy. Lol. Oh God, thank you so much...
I came back to school after that weekend, a new person. I'm sure no one at school could tell, but it was my heart that had been healed. I was so joyous at that period. :) I swear I wanted to hug everyone there, but I tried to contain myself. I only hugged a few friends like, once or twice each. ;) I just... wanted to show them God's love. I guess that's what they mean about when your heart overflows good acts come from that...
I remember one sermon my pastor had. It was dedicated to those in the youth group going off to college. She said to remember God, and not to leave Him just cuz you were "free" in the world now. She said that everything you do has consequences... and out there in the real world, it's not gonna be small consequences like, small bouts of depression (like the ones I had! I started listening attently at that point...) that might only last a few days, maybe a few weeks. In the real world, you might get depression for years. You might even want to do suicide. College students often do... (esp. in Asia. Those poor students... I just want them to relax!!! Don't throw your precious lives away for grades... you lost ppl, please don't do that...)
It's not like once you get to college you start thinking about suicide. I hope not. 0_o But she had a point. I left church today thinking how sheltered my life really was. My life... right now I'm living in a fake world, protected by my parents and school and shtuff.... but when I go to college I'll be by myself, out in that big scary world. Isn't that a scary feeling? Exciting, maybe? Well, for me it's a scary feeling. I don't even know what I want to do with my life yet. Do you know how nervous that makes me? I don't have a freakin clue. Not. A. Single. Clue. I wanna... marry a rich guy and have fun for the rest of my life, lol. Jk jk, XDDD.
Lessee... what are my passions... music. Oohhh, music. Thank you God for giving us ears to hear and instruments to make music with. And THANK YOU for the human voice! It's so beautiful... every single voice I hear... and you ppl who smoke, you're ruining your beautiful voices! That makes me sad. I feel sad every time I hear a person who's damaged their voice with smoking... and then I wonder what they might've sounded like before... something really beautiful, prolly. Even ppl who can't sing well have interesting voices to listen to when they talk. And the goofy, squeaky voices are funny to listen to! ^^ I like them all...
Erm, anwyayz, music is a big passion. But I can't make a career out of that! What could I do? I can't play piano well enough to make it out in the music field, and idwant to teach students piano all day... and I'm def. not good enough at flute. Which kinda depresses me, actually. -___-
And I can't compose music like my friends can! They're amazing! What am I to do among a world full of so much talent....? *sigh*...
Lessee what else... (wow I'm listening to this one song by DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo on repeat right now... and I'm still not tired of it! lol... someone help me... T_T...)
I love writing. Not essays, although sometimes when I'm fired up about the topic and actually CARE about it writing essays can be interesting... even fun sometimes. But I really love writing stories. They all suck, of course, but I'm writing one right now that might turn into something... i dunno. I have low confidence in this area. And it doesn't help that some of my friends are AMAZING writers.... it makes me happy reading their stories, or pieces of their creative writing, cuz I feel proud of their ability - amazed sometimes - but at the same time I start feeling depressed about my own story, lol. That's wrong thinking, right? *sigh*... I gotta get my head straight!! >:(
And essay writing doesn't REALLY help in life, does it? Well, it depends on what I want to do... so I gotta pick something that has to do with writing essays???? God help me.... no, really. God, please help me. I don't know that the hell I want to do... this half-assed crazy idea of going to help ppl in Africa is floating around randomly in my mind, but idk if I have the courage to do it, or HOW to do it, or if God wants me to to that for Him... do you, God? I need some clearer hints here...
...what the heck is this blog supposed to be about??
...O_O...
Why am I so random.... T_T....
I guess what I was trying to say was... you have to find something to latch onto in this life. Something to give you meaning. A purpose. Otherwise, what good is life? Everything is temporary. Even your lover. Even that one person you love the most in the whole wide world - that one person you'd die for. That person will die one day, and so will you. Maybe it'll be of old age, or maybe they might end life on purpose. Maybe you'll do that one day (I sincerely hope not).
And don't just sit there and go on with your life, WAITING for that meaning to come on to you!! It's waiting for you!!! What the hell are you doing, sitting there in your chair and being miserable for the things that happened today??? Wondering if you'll ever find out why you're here!! Get the hell out of your chair and start looking already!!! It's not that hard to find why you're here. All the bad days, bad moments, and shitfilled times of your life are temporary - but so are the good ones. Don't get so caught up in the material things of life that you fail to take care of your heart... your soul. Don't let it become empty. Or lonely... Or damaged. And if it's already these things, there's a cure. Just find it. No matter how many times you fall into these things, I swear there's a cure. I've been treated, so I know.
*sigh* My posts are so random, I swear. And they don't make sense either, lol. XDDD
Well, here's to hoping I helped SOMEONE out there....
~Jenn~
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