All You Need Is Love...

Cliche? Perhaps... but true? Definitely.

But I don't want you to be confused. By love, I don't mean a relationship where all you do is hug and kiss and talk about TV shows and your favorite colors. I mean love. The kind that keeps you up at night, when you realize that you don't want to be with anyone else except that person. The kind that makes your heart flutter and your stomach drop. The kind of love that... when you're with your special someone, you feel completely at ease... relaxed... content. Not just happy. Happy can come and go in a second. Content is when everything and everyone is gooood. Nothing can ruin the state of mind you're in when you're with that person, and you forget every worry, every annoyance, everything that would otherwise ruin your day. All you need is the love that makes you feel this way.

That being said, I really am sad for those people who believe they'll never find love or otherwise stop searching for it, completely shut down their emotions. It hurts me to see people building a wall between them self and the potential of loving someone. Trying to ignore the feeling is like ignoring a fire that's burning your house down while you're in it. Eventually, you have to get out, and eventually, you have to find love. Will it suck sometimes along the way? Of course. Life is unfair, and when you think you love someone and it turns out one or the other feels differently, it hurts. Sometimes you can't find someone right away. But maybe you aren't supposed to. Maybe that special someone is waiting for the perfect moment in your life to arrive. And nothing is more amazing than the feeling you get when you realize that you've met the person you could spend the rest of you life with. Nothing.

I once tried to shut down my emotions for someone. When he showed no interest and ignored me, I tried to stop liking him, move my attention to other places. To spare the details, I'll tell you in short. It doesn't work. When you have strong, loving emotions for someone, it's... impossible to douse them. You can try to stomp on the emotion, throw a blanket over it, stop drop and roll to try and get it off of you... it won't work. Eventually the person you're trying to not think about is all you think about... just trying not to think about them means you're thinking about them. It's useless to try and rid your mind and heart of the feelings you have for someone, and unless you pursue that person or make some sort of an effort to at least find out if they like you back or not, to try and tie off loose ends... you'll never be satisfied. When you're dealing with heavy things like your mental state of mind, you can't just throw it to the side. You need to confront it, deal with it, then decide what to do with your conclusion. Do they like you back? Wonderful, date them. Love them. They don't? Mope, eat ice cream, then get back out into the real world with a fresh attitude that there are 6 billion people in the world... one's bound to be for you.

I stress this idea of finding love because as teenagers, we are told we don't know true love. I say screw that. What makes a grown man know more love than a 17-year-old boy? They both have the same hormonal instincts, who's to say that a 36-year-old man doesn't run his relationships by his urges rather than his heart? Who's to say that a 17-year-old boy doesn't run his relationship with his heart rather than his urges? The truth is, we all run by our urges... that's how we're made. But when you get past that, when you discover a person's mind, attitude, and way of life, when you discover who they are past all the physical "stuff"... you find love. Real love.
And I feel like I have had the joy of finding that kind of love. Which is why I urge you to find it, too, because it is honestly the most. marvelous, incredible, fantastic, unbelievable. feeling.



ever.

-Laurissa

Ignorance is Bliss... Right?

I declare that ignorance is bliss. And the Constitution protects my right to be happy. So according to the foundation of the laws of our country, I should be allowed to be ignorant, should I so choose, because that makes me happy. Isn't that right? That being said, I feel that my rights are being infringed upon, by a constant and unrelenting barrage of media. From morning to night, I am harangued by news coverage. When I get up every morning, the radio is on in the kitchen, broadcasting news and political talk shows. When I get to school, there is discussion amongst teachers and students, even class discussions regarding the upcoming election and hot-button topics. Politics is ALL my friends talk about at lunch--or, debate and argue is more like it. After school, I hear more peers talking about what they did in Gov--official debate over controversial issues: Prop 8, abortion, MORE about the election... When I get home, I might have an hour or so of quiet, but then my dad gets home, and because he doesn't have access to news during the day, turns on the TV to MORE talk shows and news. All around me, there is nothing but opinionated people declaring their opinions to each other and attacking peoples' character for holding DIFFERENT opinions. And frankly, I am sick to death of it! I'm told there was a time where people could respectfully hold discussions of their political views, where people took turns speaking, and didn't throw in irrelevant information, lie, make things up, in order to prove their point. Once upon a time, it didn't matter if a governor's daughter had gotten pregnant at age 17, or if a senator's father was a Muslim. These personal aspects of each politician's life stayed OUT of the spotlight. All that mattered was the views of each politician and what their plan was for their time in office. But it's not like that anymore! This election has been more brutal than ANY other in recent years. Both campaigns are smearing each other as much as they possibly can. They're playing dirty, in a desperate attempt to win as swing votes. But it seems to me that there are VERY few fence sitters anymore. Almost everyone knows where their loyalty lies. So there has ceased to be any sort of civilized debate in an attempt to show who supports what and to allow voters to decide which candidate is best suited for their needs. All it is now is a bunch of violent mudslinging that does nothing but divide us all. The other thing that bothers me is that everyone is SO set in their views. Neither side is EVER willing to concede a point. WHY?! I don't understand it. All anyone ever seems to WANT to do is pick a fight. Personally, I don't KNOW what my beliefs really are anymore. There's so much crap flying around, so many attacks, that every argument cancels out its opposition. Everything is contradictory, and I don't know what to believe anymore. To me, it all sounds like lies. And I'm SURE that all this fighting can't be helping anything. All it does is make me stressed and on the defensive, when really, this stuff DOESN'T MATTER TO ME! Here's my proposition. For ONE DAY, let's not talk about politics. I already know too much. But I'm casting my vote for ignorance. Because too much information is NOT making anyone happy.

Lots of things that might not actually interest you :]

My birthday was last week. Looking back on the day, well, it wasn't that amazing...it didn't feel like my birthday. And the fact that it WAS made it almost worse...but I think it was my fault. I think I could have made it a better day. Oh well...it's over now. Days aren't that important anyways, in the long run. Just because one specific day wasn't amazing doesn't mean the rest of the year will be terrible.

Man...this year. It's been one of the craziest years of my life. So much has happened...so much has changed. I've gotten stronger. I've learned more about myself as a person, and I'm still learning. I think someday I'll look back on this year and call it one of the best years of my life. I hope. I couldn't have predicted any of this...somehow it happened. I wonder what's still to come, what God has in store for me. Two months to go...At the moment, I can't even see past December. In my mind, New Years Eve is like a wall--a very tall wall. I can't really see over it...but I guess it's better this way, since it's hard worrying about the future. It's SUCH a waste of time, since worrying does absolutely nothing. It's like torture...an unfortunate part of human nature we can't ever seem to conquer. You might manage to push something from your mind for a little while, but it always comes back to haunt you.

Today was a good day though. Quite funny at times :] And then I had one of the most amazing evenings--my little sister went outside with me when it was dark, and we just ran around and lay down on my driveway and watched the stars and sang disney songs. We imagined we could fly :] God, I miss being a little kid...I miss my old neighbors. It makes me sad to think about everything we used to do to together, how much fun we had...at least I have the memories, even if they're painful. I certainly wouldn't want to forget.

But I felt so good and happy and WHOLE for once, with my little sister :] I felt like me...just me. That's who I am, the carefree girl who doesn't let worries get in her way. The optimistic one...the one who wants to travel to other worlds and go on adventures. I feel like I've been hiding parts of me inside...they come out sometimes when I'm alone or with my sister, or listening to a song. I don't want to keep them hidden. I'm sick of pushing my emotions away and not letting them out...so I'm determined to find myself again, and to keep being myself. Just me. Not perfect, not gorgeous. But me :]

Determination...that's something I've gotten this year. I don't know where it came from or when I ever started being so determined...stubborn and unwilling to give up. I worry it'll get me into trouble. That I'll be SO determined and set on something, and it won't work out at all the way I imagined...and I'll be heart-broken.

But then...God won't let my heart truly break, will he? God's inside my heart. It won't break as long as he's there...no matter what happens, my heart will remain. The world may shatter like pieces of glass around me, but if I keep holding onto to my little bit of faith, my little bit of wisdom, I'll survive. Somehow.

Oh December...I want you to come, but then I also don't want this year to end. I'm afraid of what will happen after New Years Eve, and before it.

God...give me patience and wisdom and faith. Don't let my heart break.

<3
Stephanie

Keeping Quiet

My brain every single day races through hundreds of different thoughts that I can't even share most of the time. I like keeping these thoughts to myself most of the time because I usually find that when I do share it nothing really happens. That's why I probably haven't been talking about myself lately with my friends. Is that selfish? Maybe I have been too busy from school work and my job to actually talk. Or maybe I feel guilty about talking about myself when I think my friends' lives are more important to talk about than mine. There's also the whole thing about the economy collapsing right now and people who have less fortunate lives than me. Why do I think I have a dilemma over something that probably won't happen and isn't true?

Recent lyrics I started to write:
I'm so confused
By all the things you do
You look at me
As if you want to tell me
To never leave your side
But you barely talk to me
I'm running in circles

Just tell me the truth


I'm gonna head back to finishing my homework as always and keeping my thoughts to myself. Don't worry about me, it's nothing truly troubling.

/\/\

Neurosis

Some people have noticed something’s been a little off about me lately. I’m just not myself. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone in the world around me. I feel insignificant. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel tired, and confused, and helpless, and forgotten, and stupid, and frustrated, and selfish, and guilty, and unwanted, and embarrassed. But why? I’m sure I could list a million reasons why I feel stupid or tired. But that’s not the point. I’m not sure what is, but I am sure that’s not it. Is something wrong with me? Maybe. Who knows? What if there is? When then? What if I’m fine? I don’t feel fine. Where do I go from here? Where can I go when I feel so abandoned and rejected? Look at me. Just that sentence annoys me. That one too. All I think about is myself. Everything I just wrote, me, me, me, me, me. It’s always about me. I wish I’d get over myself. I can’t blame other people for not wanting me around. If I were them, I wouldn’t want me around either. That reminds me of some lyrics “I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me.” I’m afraid, too. Afraid to be honest. Vulnerable. To commit. To let go. To trust. There is a part of me that wants to cry out. To scream the air out of my lungs. But another part says no. That’s too scary. I don’t want other people to know. I don’t want to let them in. But I do. I can’t decide which I want more. Sometimes I hate myself. At least parts of me. I wish I didn't. Help.

-K

My Thoughts

The leaves outside are still a very dark green. I wish they would turn colors this year, like the leaves back in Vermont. It's pretty on the East Coast. There's such a vast expanse of trees and mountains, and everything is so green I wish it would fill me up and consume me, to drown out everything I feel inside my heart. Sometimes I wish I could go back there. It's so far away from all of this...I might actually feel whole again if I went back. Closer to God. Distanced from everything else in this world.

Don't get me wrong. I love my home, my life, my world — everything about it. What I despise is my inability to handle the decisions and problems that come my way. Or, at least, my lack of faith. Only when the suffering has moved elsewhere do I realize that I did handle it, that I am capable of handling immense pain. It's the waiting that gets to me. Knowing you need to be patient and actually having patience are two very different things.

And not knowing what to do...wondering if your patience will even amount to anything, or if you should just give everything up now and try to somehow get over him...Only it doesn't even work, cause the better half of you doesn't want to give up. So you have a very limited number of choices —

1. Keep waiting and fighting, no matter how long it takes, hoping something good will come of it.

2. Do nothing and let life move you along as it pleases. This option is much harder than it seems...I think all of us have a desire for control, which makes doing nothing virtually impossible.

3. Well what else can you do? Maybe create an entirely new image in your mind that forces you to stop liking this person — at least until you see him again. I guess that might work...if you have the will to actually stop liking him.

So yeah. I believe those are the three options you can choose from. Or I can choose from. Maybe there are others...I don't know. Someone clue me in, lol.

I think my distress comes from several things — my inability to move on, my impatience, and my lack of knowledge. I can't see the future. And I honestly don't even want to see the future. I don't want to know exactly what will happen, cause that would be far too predictable and would probably ruin everything. It's the waiting that makes everything worthwhile in the end, even if you don't get what you expected. Sometimes the unexpected is more perfect. The better ending.

I pray God will give me the patience I need and help me face whatever comes my way. I need His help so much...so so much. I don't want this situation to consume my thoughts. God deserves my attention and my thanks. He's already helped me so much — I am constantly perplexed when I try to remember all of the things He's done for me. He brought me here, to this moment and this place, for a reason, I'm sure.

So how can I not have faith?

~Steph

I wonder what's so important about August 5th...

The whole schedule for 08/05/08. Woke up -> picked up registration packet -> Red Lobster -> few hours later -> dinner -> Mummy (2.5/5 I think I’m being nice about it) -> home writing this blog. Yes I know boring and very uneventful but today was MY BIRTHDAY.

Unfortunately, my birthday reminded me that I only have 2 more weeks until school starts and I still have 2 more summer assignments to go. AHHH!!! But this school year, I look forward to making every second count. It is junior year after all and I need those grades to get into any college I want. I’m especially excited for being a part of the Women’s Ensemble, the dances, getting to meet new people and to know my friends better. J

Thank you family and friends for making this day very special, my sweet 16. Most of you guys remembered that today is my birthday. No I did not have any candles today, but hearing or seeing your wishes for me made me feel special. It’s amazing that 15 years have come and past and I’m really just beginning my life’s journey. 2 years from now I’ll probably be saying goodbye to family and friends as I leave for college. But let’s not dwell on that sad note, but on the happier note that I have come to know and love many of you. I will see a few of you guys soon. I can’t wait for what God has in mind for me.


Today I turned a year older
I’m not this little girl anymore
I have more responsibilities
But I can still goof off with my friends

Today I’m still in love with the Jonas Brothers
‘Cause I can’t have a guy of my own
I’m not as obsessed with Twilight or Harry Potter
I’ll always remember what I was attached to at this age

Today I strongly believe in God’s love
That he has a plan for me
I’m smiling ‘cause I’m so blessed
With a life filled with opportunities

Today I didn’t blow any candles
I had 2 bowls of ice cream instead
I doubt I’m as innocent as I was freshman year
But I might just be a little more mature

Today I’m 16 living a beautiful life.

Much love <3,
/\/\


P.S. In the words of the Jonas Brothers, “Live like you’re at the bottom, even if you’re at the top.”