Materialistic??? Idealistic????

My birthday is coming up in less than a month and I started thinking about stuff I want. Then I felt really shallow because I am so blessed to have a home, family, and friends. But a blessed person can't help wanting more materialistic things in life. Well some people can: monks, nuns, etc. Sometimes I wish I could be famous and have money that I can give away to charities and actually work with those charities. But for now, I am still growing up and still dealing with school and life.

Going back to my materialistic/idealistic birthday wishes:
1. Meeting the Jonas Brothers XD
2. Look at that awesome bike to the left, WOW. The only bike I have ever owned is the barbie bike my aunt gave me when i was 9. I currently don't have a bike to ride.
3. All my summer assignments to be finished (That's more of work on my end.)
4. Breaking Dawn -> I already know I'm getting this gift for myself. :)
5. DVDs: Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6. Gift Cards: Borders, iTunes, Target
7. CDs: A Little Bit Longer, Wicked soundtrack, Prince Caspian soundtrack
8. Current Events: Iraq War to end, gasoline prices to go down
9. My Braces to be off before Homecoming
10. A Wonderful Birthday Party :)

Last week I spent time with the family in Vegas and I went to the beach on Sunday. During that time, I was totally reminded about this person I liked the entire year. By Sunday, I finally decided to let the crush I had on him go since it was going nowhere. Each day I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. However, I believe the love I think about is the idealistic love that are in stories and movies, not in real life. In real life, true love is hard to find and you have to work hard at keeping that love alive. Who am I to say that? I have never experienced that kind of love. While in Vegas I was reminded of him when I heard the Christina Aguilera impersonator sing Beautiful. Then I watched the water show at Bellagio and the song My Heart Will Go On (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YuuazFWPNE) came on. At the beach, I wrote his name 12 times in the sand and watched the waves wash his name away because I saw it as a symbol of letting go. I promise myself this year that I won't get so caught up in liking a guy, but instead be really great friends with the guy.

/\/\

Korea --> Doremifasolrasido --> The Meaning of Life --> My Testimony --> Sheltered Life VS Real Life --> My Future??? --> Start Looking!

So I took a trip to Korea and recently came back a couple days ago. It was so much fun!!! I have to admit that I miss it already, haha. NOT the mosquitos OR the hot, humid heat, though. Those were baddd.... -__-...

On the flight home I watched this Korean movie... erm... about 4 times... I can't remember how many times actually, but I know it was at least 3, and maybe I started it a 4th time but I think we had to leave the plane at that point, lol. It was called 도레미파솔라시도 (in English it's DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo... or DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo, I guess...), and it was based on a fanfiction that got really popular, LOL. The guy who wrote it actually helped write the screenplay, XD. I should read that fanfic somtime...

Anywayz, the point is that I totally got hooked on the movie and the music. -____- Someone save me... I fell asleep with the music in my head and woke up with it in my head too... omg this is getting annoying, lol...

Well that was random. Just needed to get it out, I guess, since the people around me would get annoyed if I started gushing about it to them yet AGAIN, XD.

You know what? How come ppl in this world don't think about why they're here? Eh? How come? Why do ppl wake up, go to work, eat lunch, go back to work, and come home for dinner, and start that routine over again the next day? Maybe they go out to have fun with their family and friends on the weekends or even weekdays... but why? What's the point? Hmm? And why do they not ask themselves that? Do they just expect to be born, live the best life they possibly can (and what is the definition of having a "best" life, anyway?), and die? Have their light dwindle and fade just like that? Huhh? Is that it? 0_o Why do they freakin do that?

Woa. A paragraph of questions. >.>;;

But I've been wondering about this a lot recently. Sure, some ppl will respond by saying that the meaning of life is just to be with the ones you love, and to make the best of what you've got. Or some might think that life is for finding who you are, and coping with whatever situation you have, and growing from that - learning from it. Enjoying life (or making the best of it) till your time comes. But is that enough? When you die, everything stops. Family doesn't matter, cuz you won't have them anymore. Who you are doesn't matter, cuz you've stopped existing in this world. All your possessions are gone. Your beautiful body, with your hair and your makeup and piercings, tatoos, stylish clothing you spent so much money on, will deteriote and be swallowed up by the Earth.

But I was also thinking... how do people continue living when they suffer so much on this Earth? I'm guessing a lot of the people alive right now have thought of suicide at least once before. Maybe only some, but those people are there. And then there are those who DO commit suicide. They were driven to such misery that they just wanted to stop feeling. To stop existing. To rest, I guess. To be honest, I've felt that feeling before too... sometimes I just want to... rest, you know? Like, it would be so much easier to end things cuz then you don't have stress, or pain, or emotional pain, or heartache... I haven't thought of suicide, but I guess that feeling of wanting to "rest" is the closest I've gotten to it. I hope it doesn't grow in the future.

In fact... I'm sure it WON'T grow in the future. Cuz I have Jesus. I had so many problems with Him and God and accepting him and all that shtuff in the past. I didn't understand Him, or why He was doing all this to us, or why He even let us hurt and suffer here... why He didn't just save everyone, cuz He has the power to do that, ya know. I just had so many questions... I just didn't understand... and I didn't like myself either... for having these problems. And deep down I felt like God didn't really love me. For the STRANGEST reason I thought that God DISLIKED me, even. I felt like I was weird, cuz none of my friends had this problem. I mean, they might've felt similar, I guess, but you can feel alienated even when you're not... -____-...

This feeling lasted for a month or two... it was torture. You don't know what it's like thinking crazy thougts like your own creator doesn't like you... I think I covered it pretty well. I'm pretty spazztic with my friends. But my moodiness would come thru sometimes...

Then one weekend I went to a praise band lock-in at my church. And I met God there. It was amazing. I opened up my heart to Him there like I hadn't done in so long, and I just felt His love and reassurance. I had to trust Him! And He loved me even tho I didn't even like myself! I couldn't believe this kind of love exists... lol every time I feel His love I start bawling, XDDD. Geez... you'd think I'd get used to it.. but nooo everytime He shows me just a little of His love for me despite my messed up mind I start crying like crazy. Lol. Oh God, thank you so much...

I came back to school after that weekend, a new person. I'm sure no one at school could tell, but it was my heart that had been healed. I was so joyous at that period. :) I swear I wanted to hug everyone there, but I tried to contain myself. I only hugged a few friends like, once or twice each. ;) I just... wanted to show them God's love. I guess that's what they mean about when your heart overflows good acts come from that...

I remember one sermon my pastor had. It was dedicated to those in the youth group going off to college. She said to remember God, and not to leave Him just cuz you were "free" in the world now. She said that everything you do has consequences... and out there in the real world, it's not gonna be small consequences like, small bouts of depression (like the ones I had! I started listening attently at that point...) that might only last a few days, maybe a few weeks. In the real world, you might get depression for years. You might even want to do suicide. College students often do... (esp. in Asia. Those poor students... I just want them to relax!!! Don't throw your precious lives away for grades... you lost ppl, please don't do that...)
It's not like once you get to college you start thinking about suicide. I hope not. 0_o But she had a point. I left church today thinking how sheltered my life really was. My life... right now I'm living in a fake world, protected by my parents and school and shtuff.... but when I go to college I'll be by myself, out in that big scary world. Isn't that a scary feeling? Exciting, maybe? Well, for me it's a scary feeling. I don't even know what I want to do with my life yet. Do you know how nervous that makes me? I don't have a freakin clue. Not. A. Single. Clue. I wanna... marry a rich guy and have fun for the rest of my life, lol. Jk jk, XDDD.

Lessee... what are my passions... music. Oohhh, music. Thank you God for giving us ears to hear and instruments to make music with. And THANK YOU for the human voice! It's so beautiful... every single voice I hear... and you ppl who smoke, you're ruining your beautiful voices! That makes me sad. I feel sad every time I hear a person who's damaged their voice with smoking... and then I wonder what they might've sounded like before... something really beautiful, prolly. Even ppl who can't sing well have interesting voices to listen to when they talk. And the goofy, squeaky voices are funny to listen to! ^^ I like them all...

Erm, anwyayz, music is a big passion. But I can't make a career out of that! What could I do? I can't play piano well enough to make it out in the music field, and idwant to teach students piano all day... and I'm def. not good enough at flute. Which kinda depresses me, actually. -___-
And I can't compose music like my friends can! They're amazing! What am I to do among a world full of so much talent....? *sigh*...

Lessee what else... (wow I'm listening to this one song by DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo on repeat right now... and I'm still not tired of it! lol... someone help me... T_T...)

I love writing. Not essays, although sometimes when I'm fired up about the topic and actually CARE about it writing essays can be interesting... even fun sometimes. But I really love writing stories. They all suck, of course, but I'm writing one right now that might turn into something... i dunno. I have low confidence in this area. And it doesn't help that some of my friends are AMAZING writers.... it makes me happy reading their stories, or pieces of their creative writing, cuz I feel proud of their ability - amazed sometimes - but at the same time I start feeling depressed about my own story, lol. That's wrong thinking, right? *sigh*... I gotta get my head straight!! >:(

And essay writing doesn't REALLY help in life, does it? Well, it depends on what I want to do... so I gotta pick something that has to do with writing essays???? God help me.... no, really. God, please help me. I don't know that the hell I want to do... this half-assed crazy idea of going to help ppl in Africa is floating around randomly in my mind, but idk if I have the courage to do it, or HOW to do it, or if God wants me to to that for Him... do you, God? I need some clearer hints here...

...what the heck is this blog supposed to be about??

...O_O...

Why am I so random.... T_T....

I guess what I was trying to say was... you have to find something to latch onto in this life. Something to give you meaning. A purpose. Otherwise, what good is life? Everything is temporary. Even your lover. Even that one person you love the most in the whole wide world - that one person you'd die for. That person will die one day, and so will you. Maybe it'll be of old age, or maybe they might end life on purpose. Maybe you'll do that one day (I sincerely hope not).

And don't just sit there and go on with your life, WAITING for that meaning to come on to you!! It's waiting for you!!! What the hell are you doing, sitting there in your chair and being miserable for the things that happened today??? Wondering if you'll ever find out why you're here!! Get the hell out of your chair and start looking already!!! It's not that hard to find why you're here. All the bad days, bad moments, and shitfilled times of your life are temporary - but so are the good ones. Don't get so caught up in the material things of life that you fail to take care of your heart... your soul. Don't let it become empty. Or lonely... Or damaged. And if it's already these things, there's a cure. Just find it. No matter how many times you fall into these things, I swear there's a cure. I've been treated, so I know.

*sigh* My posts are so random, I swear. And they don't make sense either, lol. XDDD

Well, here's to hoping I helped SOMEONE out there....

~Jenn~

Rambling as a result of boredom and music.

This is an entry in my journal I wrote a bit ago, intending to post it on here:

So. Today was pretty cool. I spent the first couple hours on neopets...I'm ashamed. I could have been working on summer assignments or something. But it's summer! Why they give us homework and expect us to still think of it as vacation is beyond me. So of course I don't want to give into such a corrupted connotation of the word vacation. I'll do anything besides homework over the summer. Even neopets. Yep, I'm getting that desperate.

I'm listening to "I Love the Night" by Blue Oyster Cult at the moment. It really does make you calm...I'm also at a party. My brother's wedding is tomorrow. Oh, my brother. I could go on and on about him, but it's kind of a boring topic. He and I have never gotten along. He didn't even say a word to me tonight. Later he'll brush it off as because he was distracted--since I know he loves making it seem like he really cares about me and my sisters, when he really just wants attention. I wish I had put that song I wrote about him to music...it would certainly give him a glimpse at why I dislike him so much. I guess it doesn't truly cover it, though. The lyrics oversimplify how everything was when he still lived at home. Thank God he moved out.

Ah, now another song. "Where do I Go" by Marie Digby. It always amazes me how much I relate to this song. I have no idea where I'm going. I wonder if it is a mistake for me to keep liking this guy. I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I'm afraid, that I have no faith. I hate that I might be totally and completely wrong about this. And I hate that I can't stop it...that I really do have no control over what happens to me today, tomorrow, the next day...I just have to go with it and accept my lack of control. Keep praying. And hoping for answers.

"To Build A Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. I found this song so randomly, on imeem. But I fell in love with it. I have no idea why...no clear reason. Something about it gives me this naive feeling that there's always hope, even in times of sadness. The song is so simple, but so insanely deep. I love it.

Haha, disney music. It's on shuffle, by the way. And "I Just Can't Wait to be King" just came on. Disney gives me a happy, warm feeling inside, no matter how I feel at the moment. I love it :)

Now I'll skip a few songs...But I'm rambling now, and you're probably losing interest. So I'll try not to mention any more songs...it'll be hard.

So...back to my day, cause I feel like going back to it. That is where I started, right? It's weird that I got so off track...anyways. After wasting time on my computer for a while, I actually got out of the house! I met my friends at a park nearby, where we hung out, laughed, played Apples to Apples...in fact, we spent a lot of time trying to come up with something to talk about. It makes me sad that there always has to be a reason, something to say, that we can't just be content with nothing. That's definitely not clear...I wish conversations were easier than they really are. I wish people would just say, "Wanna chat?" and I'd say "Sure!" and the conversation would roll out without hesitation. I wish I wouldn't need a reason to see or talk to someone.

I wish this party would end! Or that I could leave, at least. I know a total of...13 people out of the probably 80-something people that are here (yeah, there's probably not that many). And everyone in that 13 is off branching out. I'm here alone at a table. Not talking to anyone. I suppose it's my choice, that I could be branching out with them and talking to the people here. There are lots of old people I've never seen in my life. They probably have stories to tell, wisdom to share.

Maybe I just don't want to listen.

~Stephanie

Just Dreaming

This school year went by so fast and I can't believe I'm an upperclassmen. It's weird thinking about the privileges, rights, and responsibilities I'm gonna have in the upcoming years. But I will not waste time worrying about the downsides to all of that and other pessimistic situations. I haven't seen any of my friends for almost a week and a half and a few are out of town/country. I'm gonna call one of them to see how he/she is doing after I post this blog that probably sounds like it is going in different directions or grammatically incorrect. Summer is the best time to hang out with them too because we all don't exactly have homework and tests. Although I kind of do because I'm taking an online computer class. YEAH ME!!! (I was being sarcastic there. I think it took me 2 years to finally realize when someone was being sarcastic.)


I am totally addicted to Harry Potter and the Twilight series. Harry Potter made me realize how much I liked reading. Twilight is an idealized true to life romantic fairytale dealing with vampires and werewolves. Its an amazing series and if you are trying to find a good book, I highly recommend this to you. The next installment in the series Breaking Dawn comes out on August 2nd just in time for my birthday. :)

Recently I spent some time at the beach with the family. I went boogie boarding for the first time in two years so that was awesome. We stayed until sunset and as usual I was day dreaming. My sister took pictures of the beach and the sunset for her school project while I sat down on one of those springy things to wait for a swing. Going on the swings and watching the sunset is one of my favorite things to do. While I was waiting for the swing, I started thinking about my dream boy who I can easily talk to and is always there for me. But I think that guys is going to be around for a while. I believe I'm better off being just friends with boys for the time being. Although I probably will continue dreaming about those perfect moments when the music plays and I meet my dream boy.


On another note, I finally got my guitar!!!!! XD I've gotten some of the chords down for Hello Beautiful by the Jonas Brothers. Yes I admit it, I'm crazy for the Jonas Brothers especially the youngest one Nick, but a girl can dream. It's healthier for me to crush on a celebrity I have a small chance of actually knowing rather than get stuck infatuated with a real guy because it throws me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. My 17-year-old cousin from the Philippines is arriving this Saturday. Hopefully he can give me some helpful tips with the guitar. He plays the acoustic and electric guitar. Next week we're going to Las Vegas to gamble. Just kidding!!!! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Maybe I'll meet that dream boy of mine.


/\/\

Selfish

Emma's last post definitely inspired me. It made me feel really bad about how selfish I am.

It's like every single day of my life has to revolve around ME. We're having steaming hot weather here in California--it's literally BAKING when I go outside. So I've been staying indoors a lot, trying to find ways to occupy my time. And it's really hard. Several friends are away on vacation. My inspiration for writing dwindles on sunny days like these. So I sit at my computer clicking the "Facebook" button over and over again. I switch songs on my I-tunes, listen to the same ones over and over again. Wait for someone to send me an IM message. Get annoyed and play my guitar. And then get annoyed because I'm not good enough yet--I'm so limited by my skill, even though I do know quite a bit, when I think about it.

But my point is that I get annoyed at my own boredom. I'm not satisfied with the fact that, besides the lack of things to do, I'm at a pretty good point in my life. I let the heat and sweat get the better of me, even though I have the fan on high in my room at this moment. I'm really not that hot indoors. Worse things could be happening than a prolonged period of sunlight.

I'm incredibly selfish like that. I always focus on my own problems, my own wishes, everything about my own life. And I get mad when things don't go the way I wish they would. It's like it's impossible for me to step outside my skin for even a minute and think about other people and the problems they have.

I wish I could change it...I wish I could sit here in my room and keep smiling as I strum out a new song on my guitar. I wish I could only be sad for other people. I wish I could be happy with my life and step away from it for a bit to let it run its course. Complaining won't get me anywhere--it will just make me even more annoyed.

Ahh "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz just popped into my head :] I love that song! Every time I listen to it I feel happy. It gives me hope and gives me this feeling that I need to keep enjoying life and look past the bad stuff. "Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours."

~Stephanie

A Year Ago Today

It seems that on birthdays, I am never myself. I become very passive, and let other people do whatever they want for me. It's like, the ONE day a year I have a right to be demanding, I'm not... I spend all year trying to get people to pay attention to me, but when I am finally in the spotlight, I become shy and withdrawn, and wish that everyone would stop making such a fuss over me. I have found that on days like today, I become an appeaser--"Whatever makes you happy makes me happy." I don't like this about myself. When everyone pays attention to me, I can't seem to keep my wits about me. I don't talk back, I shrug it off and hide...

Let me give you an example. This year, I am spending some time with my family in New York. Yesterday, we had a big party for one of my cousins, who just got married last month. So today, we have a lot of leftover food, including an entire white cake, which has to be frosted, but otherwise would be a good birthday cake. Tonight, my family is going over to my uncle's house, because his daughter wants to make me cupcakes for my birthday. But we were talking about it for a little while and decided, wouldn't it be better to just bring the cake we have over to my uncle's house and eat that? It shouldn't be wasted, and it'd be a hassle to go to the trouble to make cupcakes when we've already got cake that needs to be used. But we asked about doing that instead, and it turns out, my cousin wants to make me cupcakes because she wants to make chocolate, and she won't eat white cake.

I think that kinda sucks, don't you? I mean, whose birthday is it, after all? Nobody asked me what I want, they just decided that they were going to do this for me. The truth is, I'm not happy with it. I don't even really like cake. If they wanted to make me something, I say make me brownies! But it's not about me. Especially not on my birthday.

The thing that I hate most, though, is that I'm going to let my cousin be spoiled, because I'm not going to say anything about it. I'm not going to complain that I don't want cupcakes, or that nobody asked me if I wanted them to do something special for me for my birthday. Today, of all days, I avoid confrontation. Normally, I would say something--I wouldn't let someone walk all over me like this. But today, on my birthday, I'm not really myself. I'm not even going to bring it up. I'm just thankful that I'm not like this all the time...

I remember that last year I was like this too. My family was making a big stink about what we were going to have for dinner. It's tradition in my family for the person whose birthday it is to choose where they want to go out to dinner, but I kind of gave up my right that day, and let my family decide what they wanted to have. I was even okay with the crappy pizza place down the street from our house, that makes huge but mediocre pizzas for very cheap. But I was most insistant that they settled on a place and stopped fighting about it. I don't remember what we had for dinner that night, but I remember that my last birthday kinda sucked.

It's kinda funny remembering a year ago today. A year ago today, I went to visit my friend who has leukemia in the hospital. I was very shaken by the experience, because it was my first brush with real life, I think, and it terrified me. I felt so bad for him, but then, it was only the beginning. He had only been in the hospital about a month then. He has gone through so much since, in and out of the hospital all year. That was the only time I ever visited him.

A year ago today I went out to lunch with the guy I liked. We went to Pat and Oscar's, and talked about stupid things. They seemed important then, but they aren't, and they never were. I wrote a list of movies that I needed to watch on a napkin in Sharpie. I still haven't seen any of them. I dated that guy, but we broke up. I don't talk to him anymore.

A year ago today, I listened to the musical "Company" for the first time. The whole idea of the musical is that the main character, Robert, is looking for someone who loves him but is afraid of committment. By the end of the musical, he decides that he is ready to commit to someone, because he finally understands that committment and marriage is about taking someone's goods with their bads and loving them anyway. I love the musical, but I don't think I've learned anything, because I haven't been too successful in loving someone and being willing, or able, to commit to them.

A year ago today, I overheard my brother complaining about me, for some stupid reason. I realized that my horoscope predicted this, and I laughed. Sometimes, it's scarily accurate. Other times it's dead wrong. It hasn't been accurate for a while now. I don't know if that's significant or not.

A year ago today, I still had one of my cousins, my grandma, and my godfather. A year ago today, I had nothing but A's on my transcript. A year ago today, I never cried. A year ago today, I saw myself as a little sister to most of my friends. A year ago today, I had straight hair. None of that is the same anymore... I've aged only a year, but that one year took its toll on me, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear Emma...

Today, I found a quote from Calvin and Hobbes. I don't think it is necessarily about a birthday, but it applies. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." And that is very much how I feel right now.

Happy birthday to me.

Family and Friends... or is it "or"?

I don't know why I keep posting new blogs, especially when my posts don't make any sense. Ah well...

Anywayz, I was thinking in the car on my way home from school today, about something that I've thought about many times in the past. I want to know what exactly is a friend? What are they for? And how far are you supposed to go for your family? Shouldn't you have family AND friends? There shouldn't be times where you have to choose between the two, right?

Friends can vary as to the strength of your ties with them. Some friends are nothing more than light acquaintences you can say hi to and walk with sometimes in the halls at school, and laugh with in class. Others are closer, and they eat lunch with you and hang out with you outside of school. And still others are like your second family, and you exchange all your secrets with them, and trust them completely. (And then there are those "friends" who are actually backstabbers... but that's not the point of this post.)

Family, on the otherhand, are the people bonded to you through flesh and blood - it wasn't your choice to be related to them but you are. And families are SUPPOSED to love each other - they're supposed to be the people you love the most and stuff like that...

But there are a lot of messed up families in the world.

Some parents are neglectful. Or nonexistant... or dead. Or abusive. Etc.
Some children are troublemakers. Distant, hateful, silent. Etc.
Some siblings absolutely HATE each other. Etc.

I don't know... isn't that just a sad, heart-wrenching thing to know? Why can't all people live in lovely, loving families? But anyway, I didn't really want to talk about that... I guess I got a bit off topic.

Families (meaning parents, really, since I'm a child and am writing this from that point of view) shouldn't place barriers between you and your friends, right? If your parents are controlling the things you say to your friends, then what's the point of having those friends? It's like writing letters to someone and having someone else censor all of them. None of what you really want to say is getting through, so the receiver of the letter has no idea of the REAL you, and all that. You might as well stop writing letters...

But... shouldn't a child obey their parents? In the culture I was raised in, you're supposed to obey your parents even when they're wrong. Which I really resent, by the way... But that's my culture.

And so... if parents DID do that... what is a child to do? If they obey, they end up feeling isolated from their friends, presenting a fake front. If they refuse to obey, and the parents find out, that causes major problems at home. So, which is more important, your family or your friends? This brings to mind that saying, "Friends are the family you choose."

Am I coming across here? Does anyone reading this understand what I'm trying to say? I don't think parents should do that. But if there's an issue at home that a kid wants to talk about to their friends, you know, to have someone there for them when their foundation, their family at home, is having problems, what is the kid supposed to do? That family issue is personal... belonging to the family. So... the parents tell the kid not to tell anyone else about their problem. But that kid is dying inside to tell someone, otherwise they'll be infected by this darkness that they can't get rid of, cuz it's bottled up inside them. That's not very healthy, is it? But that kid has obligation to their parents...

I know some of you will read this and go, "Duh! The kid should tell their friends!" But my mind grew up in a family where friends are supposed to be second... where friends live on the outskirts, with a wall inbetween, while the family lives in the center. So I honestly don't know the answer to this question. I'm an American-born Asian. The "Asian" in me is clashing with the "American" in me. I just don't know the answer to this question...

~Jenn~