Happiness

I just felt like listing all the things I'm thankful for. :) So here goes. I am thankful for...

-family
-friends
-guitar
-music
-writing
-rain
-moon & stars
-sun
-smiles
-hugs
-love
-imagination
-laughter
-vacation
-oceans, swimming pools
-forests
-paintings
-disneyland
-roller coasters
-color
-books
-blankets
-water
-food
-emotions
-Jesus

and probably lots of other things too...but those things come to mind at the moment. Happy Thanksgiving!

<3
Stephanie

i cannot hide my heart and mind

i don't know where to begin. blast in? ease my way? i don't even know what my intentions are in writing this blog. i hear fire engines outside. i hope whatever is wrong will get better....there are so many more important things happening out in the world. people in dire need of help. i want to help them. i want to leave my mark on the world. but for the moment i can barely help myself. so how do i help others? how do i push everything i feel inside me out of the way? it's impossible. and that scares me.

i used to ask myself what i was possibly doing, letting myself keep loving someone even when that person felt nothing for me whatsoever. i realize now that he felt nothing. he truly didn't care about how i felt. has he changed now? will he change? i don't know. i hope so. it's such a sinking feeling....loving like that, and knowing you're the only one who can feel it.

and that love makes everything else hard, too...when you care about someone and want them to be happy. so you're happy when they're happy. but it's not enough. you want him to be happy with you. even when you try to keep feeling happy for him, keep encouraging him to follow his own dreams, you can't keep it up for long. eventually you remember what you really want. and you can't have it.

and then, you can't stop it. you can't stop caring, even when you're sooo angry for his carelessness, his stubborness, his inability to understand how hard it is unless you tell it straight out. cause you don't want to have to talk. you wish he'd just understand.

i wish i could fix this. fix it up, make it better....i wish everyone could be happy.

but it's just too hard.

.stephanie.

All You Need Is Love...

Cliche? Perhaps... but true? Definitely.

But I don't want you to be confused. By love, I don't mean a relationship where all you do is hug and kiss and talk about TV shows and your favorite colors. I mean love. The kind that keeps you up at night, when you realize that you don't want to be with anyone else except that person. The kind that makes your heart flutter and your stomach drop. The kind of love that... when you're with your special someone, you feel completely at ease... relaxed... content. Not just happy. Happy can come and go in a second. Content is when everything and everyone is gooood. Nothing can ruin the state of mind you're in when you're with that person, and you forget every worry, every annoyance, everything that would otherwise ruin your day. All you need is the love that makes you feel this way.

That being said, I really am sad for those people who believe they'll never find love or otherwise stop searching for it, completely shut down their emotions. It hurts me to see people building a wall between them self and the potential of loving someone. Trying to ignore the feeling is like ignoring a fire that's burning your house down while you're in it. Eventually, you have to get out, and eventually, you have to find love. Will it suck sometimes along the way? Of course. Life is unfair, and when you think you love someone and it turns out one or the other feels differently, it hurts. Sometimes you can't find someone right away. But maybe you aren't supposed to. Maybe that special someone is waiting for the perfect moment in your life to arrive. And nothing is more amazing than the feeling you get when you realize that you've met the person you could spend the rest of you life with. Nothing.

I once tried to shut down my emotions for someone. When he showed no interest and ignored me, I tried to stop liking him, move my attention to other places. To spare the details, I'll tell you in short. It doesn't work. When you have strong, loving emotions for someone, it's... impossible to douse them. You can try to stomp on the emotion, throw a blanket over it, stop drop and roll to try and get it off of you... it won't work. Eventually the person you're trying to not think about is all you think about... just trying not to think about them means you're thinking about them. It's useless to try and rid your mind and heart of the feelings you have for someone, and unless you pursue that person or make some sort of an effort to at least find out if they like you back or not, to try and tie off loose ends... you'll never be satisfied. When you're dealing with heavy things like your mental state of mind, you can't just throw it to the side. You need to confront it, deal with it, then decide what to do with your conclusion. Do they like you back? Wonderful, date them. Love them. They don't? Mope, eat ice cream, then get back out into the real world with a fresh attitude that there are 6 billion people in the world... one's bound to be for you.

I stress this idea of finding love because as teenagers, we are told we don't know true love. I say screw that. What makes a grown man know more love than a 17-year-old boy? They both have the same hormonal instincts, who's to say that a 36-year-old man doesn't run his relationships by his urges rather than his heart? Who's to say that a 17-year-old boy doesn't run his relationship with his heart rather than his urges? The truth is, we all run by our urges... that's how we're made. But when you get past that, when you discover a person's mind, attitude, and way of life, when you discover who they are past all the physical "stuff"... you find love. Real love.
And I feel like I have had the joy of finding that kind of love. Which is why I urge you to find it, too, because it is honestly the most. marvelous, incredible, fantastic, unbelievable. feeling.



ever.

-Laurissa

Ignorance is Bliss... Right?

I declare that ignorance is bliss. And the Constitution protects my right to be happy. So according to the foundation of the laws of our country, I should be allowed to be ignorant, should I so choose, because that makes me happy. Isn't that right? That being said, I feel that my rights are being infringed upon, by a constant and unrelenting barrage of media. From morning to night, I am harangued by news coverage. When I get up every morning, the radio is on in the kitchen, broadcasting news and political talk shows. When I get to school, there is discussion amongst teachers and students, even class discussions regarding the upcoming election and hot-button topics. Politics is ALL my friends talk about at lunch--or, debate and argue is more like it. After school, I hear more peers talking about what they did in Gov--official debate over controversial issues: Prop 8, abortion, MORE about the election... When I get home, I might have an hour or so of quiet, but then my dad gets home, and because he doesn't have access to news during the day, turns on the TV to MORE talk shows and news. All around me, there is nothing but opinionated people declaring their opinions to each other and attacking peoples' character for holding DIFFERENT opinions. And frankly, I am sick to death of it! I'm told there was a time where people could respectfully hold discussions of their political views, where people took turns speaking, and didn't throw in irrelevant information, lie, make things up, in order to prove their point. Once upon a time, it didn't matter if a governor's daughter had gotten pregnant at age 17, or if a senator's father was a Muslim. These personal aspects of each politician's life stayed OUT of the spotlight. All that mattered was the views of each politician and what their plan was for their time in office. But it's not like that anymore! This election has been more brutal than ANY other in recent years. Both campaigns are smearing each other as much as they possibly can. They're playing dirty, in a desperate attempt to win as swing votes. But it seems to me that there are VERY few fence sitters anymore. Almost everyone knows where their loyalty lies. So there has ceased to be any sort of civilized debate in an attempt to show who supports what and to allow voters to decide which candidate is best suited for their needs. All it is now is a bunch of violent mudslinging that does nothing but divide us all. The other thing that bothers me is that everyone is SO set in their views. Neither side is EVER willing to concede a point. WHY?! I don't understand it. All anyone ever seems to WANT to do is pick a fight. Personally, I don't KNOW what my beliefs really are anymore. There's so much crap flying around, so many attacks, that every argument cancels out its opposition. Everything is contradictory, and I don't know what to believe anymore. To me, it all sounds like lies. And I'm SURE that all this fighting can't be helping anything. All it does is make me stressed and on the defensive, when really, this stuff DOESN'T MATTER TO ME! Here's my proposition. For ONE DAY, let's not talk about politics. I already know too much. But I'm casting my vote for ignorance. Because too much information is NOT making anyone happy.

Lots of things that might not actually interest you :]

My birthday was last week. Looking back on the day, well, it wasn't that amazing...it didn't feel like my birthday. And the fact that it WAS made it almost worse...but I think it was my fault. I think I could have made it a better day. Oh well...it's over now. Days aren't that important anyways, in the long run. Just because one specific day wasn't amazing doesn't mean the rest of the year will be terrible.

Man...this year. It's been one of the craziest years of my life. So much has happened...so much has changed. I've gotten stronger. I've learned more about myself as a person, and I'm still learning. I think someday I'll look back on this year and call it one of the best years of my life. I hope. I couldn't have predicted any of this...somehow it happened. I wonder what's still to come, what God has in store for me. Two months to go...At the moment, I can't even see past December. In my mind, New Years Eve is like a wall--a very tall wall. I can't really see over it...but I guess it's better this way, since it's hard worrying about the future. It's SUCH a waste of time, since worrying does absolutely nothing. It's like torture...an unfortunate part of human nature we can't ever seem to conquer. You might manage to push something from your mind for a little while, but it always comes back to haunt you.

Today was a good day though. Quite funny at times :] And then I had one of the most amazing evenings--my little sister went outside with me when it was dark, and we just ran around and lay down on my driveway and watched the stars and sang disney songs. We imagined we could fly :] God, I miss being a little kid...I miss my old neighbors. It makes me sad to think about everything we used to do to together, how much fun we had...at least I have the memories, even if they're painful. I certainly wouldn't want to forget.

But I felt so good and happy and WHOLE for once, with my little sister :] I felt like me...just me. That's who I am, the carefree girl who doesn't let worries get in her way. The optimistic one...the one who wants to travel to other worlds and go on adventures. I feel like I've been hiding parts of me inside...they come out sometimes when I'm alone or with my sister, or listening to a song. I don't want to keep them hidden. I'm sick of pushing my emotions away and not letting them out...so I'm determined to find myself again, and to keep being myself. Just me. Not perfect, not gorgeous. But me :]

Determination...that's something I've gotten this year. I don't know where it came from or when I ever started being so determined...stubborn and unwilling to give up. I worry it'll get me into trouble. That I'll be SO determined and set on something, and it won't work out at all the way I imagined...and I'll be heart-broken.

But then...God won't let my heart truly break, will he? God's inside my heart. It won't break as long as he's there...no matter what happens, my heart will remain. The world may shatter like pieces of glass around me, but if I keep holding onto to my little bit of faith, my little bit of wisdom, I'll survive. Somehow.

Oh December...I want you to come, but then I also don't want this year to end. I'm afraid of what will happen after New Years Eve, and before it.

God...give me patience and wisdom and faith. Don't let my heart break.

<3
Stephanie

Keeping Quiet

My brain every single day races through hundreds of different thoughts that I can't even share most of the time. I like keeping these thoughts to myself most of the time because I usually find that when I do share it nothing really happens. That's why I probably haven't been talking about myself lately with my friends. Is that selfish? Maybe I have been too busy from school work and my job to actually talk. Or maybe I feel guilty about talking about myself when I think my friends' lives are more important to talk about than mine. There's also the whole thing about the economy collapsing right now and people who have less fortunate lives than me. Why do I think I have a dilemma over something that probably won't happen and isn't true?

Recent lyrics I started to write:
I'm so confused
By all the things you do
You look at me
As if you want to tell me
To never leave your side
But you barely talk to me
I'm running in circles

Just tell me the truth


I'm gonna head back to finishing my homework as always and keeping my thoughts to myself. Don't worry about me, it's nothing truly troubling.

/\/\

Neurosis

Some people have noticed something’s been a little off about me lately. I’m just not myself. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone in the world around me. I feel insignificant. I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel tired, and confused, and helpless, and forgotten, and stupid, and frustrated, and selfish, and guilty, and unwanted, and embarrassed. But why? I’m sure I could list a million reasons why I feel stupid or tired. But that’s not the point. I’m not sure what is, but I am sure that’s not it. Is something wrong with me? Maybe. Who knows? What if there is? When then? What if I’m fine? I don’t feel fine. Where do I go from here? Where can I go when I feel so abandoned and rejected? Look at me. Just that sentence annoys me. That one too. All I think about is myself. Everything I just wrote, me, me, me, me, me. It’s always about me. I wish I’d get over myself. I can’t blame other people for not wanting me around. If I were them, I wouldn’t want me around either. That reminds me of some lyrics “I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me.” I’m afraid, too. Afraid to be honest. Vulnerable. To commit. To let go. To trust. There is a part of me that wants to cry out. To scream the air out of my lungs. But another part says no. That’s too scary. I don’t want other people to know. I don’t want to let them in. But I do. I can’t decide which I want more. Sometimes I hate myself. At least parts of me. I wish I didn't. Help.

-K

My Thoughts

The leaves outside are still a very dark green. I wish they would turn colors this year, like the leaves back in Vermont. It's pretty on the East Coast. There's such a vast expanse of trees and mountains, and everything is so green I wish it would fill me up and consume me, to drown out everything I feel inside my heart. Sometimes I wish I could go back there. It's so far away from all of this...I might actually feel whole again if I went back. Closer to God. Distanced from everything else in this world.

Don't get me wrong. I love my home, my life, my world — everything about it. What I despise is my inability to handle the decisions and problems that come my way. Or, at least, my lack of faith. Only when the suffering has moved elsewhere do I realize that I did handle it, that I am capable of handling immense pain. It's the waiting that gets to me. Knowing you need to be patient and actually having patience are two very different things.

And not knowing what to do...wondering if your patience will even amount to anything, or if you should just give everything up now and try to somehow get over him...Only it doesn't even work, cause the better half of you doesn't want to give up. So you have a very limited number of choices —

1. Keep waiting and fighting, no matter how long it takes, hoping something good will come of it.

2. Do nothing and let life move you along as it pleases. This option is much harder than it seems...I think all of us have a desire for control, which makes doing nothing virtually impossible.

3. Well what else can you do? Maybe create an entirely new image in your mind that forces you to stop liking this person — at least until you see him again. I guess that might work...if you have the will to actually stop liking him.

So yeah. I believe those are the three options you can choose from. Or I can choose from. Maybe there are others...I don't know. Someone clue me in, lol.

I think my distress comes from several things — my inability to move on, my impatience, and my lack of knowledge. I can't see the future. And I honestly don't even want to see the future. I don't want to know exactly what will happen, cause that would be far too predictable and would probably ruin everything. It's the waiting that makes everything worthwhile in the end, even if you don't get what you expected. Sometimes the unexpected is more perfect. The better ending.

I pray God will give me the patience I need and help me face whatever comes my way. I need His help so much...so so much. I don't want this situation to consume my thoughts. God deserves my attention and my thanks. He's already helped me so much — I am constantly perplexed when I try to remember all of the things He's done for me. He brought me here, to this moment and this place, for a reason, I'm sure.

So how can I not have faith?

~Steph

I wonder what's so important about August 5th...

The whole schedule for 08/05/08. Woke up -> picked up registration packet -> Red Lobster -> few hours later -> dinner -> Mummy (2.5/5 I think I’m being nice about it) -> home writing this blog. Yes I know boring and very uneventful but today was MY BIRTHDAY.

Unfortunately, my birthday reminded me that I only have 2 more weeks until school starts and I still have 2 more summer assignments to go. AHHH!!! But this school year, I look forward to making every second count. It is junior year after all and I need those grades to get into any college I want. I’m especially excited for being a part of the Women’s Ensemble, the dances, getting to meet new people and to know my friends better. J

Thank you family and friends for making this day very special, my sweet 16. Most of you guys remembered that today is my birthday. No I did not have any candles today, but hearing or seeing your wishes for me made me feel special. It’s amazing that 15 years have come and past and I’m really just beginning my life’s journey. 2 years from now I’ll probably be saying goodbye to family and friends as I leave for college. But let’s not dwell on that sad note, but on the happier note that I have come to know and love many of you. I will see a few of you guys soon. I can’t wait for what God has in mind for me.


Today I turned a year older
I’m not this little girl anymore
I have more responsibilities
But I can still goof off with my friends

Today I’m still in love with the Jonas Brothers
‘Cause I can’t have a guy of my own
I’m not as obsessed with Twilight or Harry Potter
I’ll always remember what I was attached to at this age

Today I strongly believe in God’s love
That he has a plan for me
I’m smiling ‘cause I’m so blessed
With a life filled with opportunities

Today I didn’t blow any candles
I had 2 bowls of ice cream instead
I doubt I’m as innocent as I was freshman year
But I might just be a little more mature

Today I’m 16 living a beautiful life.

Much love <3,
/\/\


P.S. In the words of the Jonas Brothers, “Live like you’re at the bottom, even if you’re at the top.”

A True Honor

I’m not very good at putting my thoughts into words, so I’m relying on this to speak for itself.

Yesterday was my brother’s Eagle Scout Court of Honor. Earning Eagle Scout is a huge deal, and I’m really proud of my brother. He’s worked toward this award for years and he has earned every bit of it. That being said, the ceremony was nice, long, but nice. It mainly consisted of different leaders that have been influential in my brother’s scouting career and life sharing memories and thoughts about my brother and how he has grown. Many of the speakers began with the first time they met Tommy, recalling his outgoing personality and big heart. They all talked about that summer camp and how Tommy was sort of an adopted member of their troop, sitting with them at meals because by chance he seemingly always wound up in line at about the same time as them. Several hours into the ceremony, it was finally my brother’s turn to make his speech. He wouldn’t let anyone see it before the ceremony so we all had absolutely no idea what he was going to say. Tommy told stories about when each leader had made or begun to make an impact in his life, defining moments, how Mr. W scolded him for giving our mom attitude, how Mr. M took his knife when he used it to cut down another scout’s canopy (that’s another story), and eventually he got to Mr. R. Tommy had told us that the boys from his old troop had teased him, but left it at that. Tommy started telling us how the boys would throw his food on the ground and step on it, how they ran his sleeping bag up the flag pole, and how they lied to him, saying that their leader had gone to the office to call our parents to pick him up from camp, and how he raced down to the office only to find that they boys had lied, the leader was not there, but also that walking back from the office how the boys tripped him, tied him up with a rope, and began kicking and teasing him. He recalled how his troop’s leaders sat by and did nothing, but at that moment Mr. R was walking by, and stopped the boys, untied Tommy’s legs, Mr. R truly saved my brother that day. But Tommy went on in his speech, thanking more people for their support, help, and guidance. All the chairs on the stage were full, but Tommy said “I would like to give one more award out. Now this isn’t an award because you did something consciously in a specific moment, it was for doing many things over many years, even though conscious, you weren’t aware of it. You have supported my beliefs and actions without question almost every time. I would like to award my last mentor pin to my sister Katie.”

I was so honored to be mentioned at all, but especially to know that I was up there with people like Mr. R, people of strong integrity and with great compassion. I don’t know exactly why I wrote this blog, I guess it’s a testimony to and a reminder of the potential our actions hold to impact others’ lives, great and small, I just wanted to share my feelings, whatever they may be, because to be honest I’m not really sure myself.

|/
|\atie

Just Wanted to Say...

Music is bliss. Pure, pure, bliss.

~Jenn~

Materialistic??? Idealistic????

My birthday is coming up in less than a month and I started thinking about stuff I want. Then I felt really shallow because I am so blessed to have a home, family, and friends. But a blessed person can't help wanting more materialistic things in life. Well some people can: monks, nuns, etc. Sometimes I wish I could be famous and have money that I can give away to charities and actually work with those charities. But for now, I am still growing up and still dealing with school and life.

Going back to my materialistic/idealistic birthday wishes:
1. Meeting the Jonas Brothers XD
2. Look at that awesome bike to the left, WOW. The only bike I have ever owned is the barbie bike my aunt gave me when i was 9. I currently don't have a bike to ride.
3. All my summer assignments to be finished (That's more of work on my end.)
4. Breaking Dawn -> I already know I'm getting this gift for myself. :)
5. DVDs: Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6. Gift Cards: Borders, iTunes, Target
7. CDs: A Little Bit Longer, Wicked soundtrack, Prince Caspian soundtrack
8. Current Events: Iraq War to end, gasoline prices to go down
9. My Braces to be off before Homecoming
10. A Wonderful Birthday Party :)

Last week I spent time with the family in Vegas and I went to the beach on Sunday. During that time, I was totally reminded about this person I liked the entire year. By Sunday, I finally decided to let the crush I had on him go since it was going nowhere. Each day I think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. However, I believe the love I think about is the idealistic love that are in stories and movies, not in real life. In real life, true love is hard to find and you have to work hard at keeping that love alive. Who am I to say that? I have never experienced that kind of love. While in Vegas I was reminded of him when I heard the Christina Aguilera impersonator sing Beautiful. Then I watched the water show at Bellagio and the song My Heart Will Go On (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YuuazFWPNE) came on. At the beach, I wrote his name 12 times in the sand and watched the waves wash his name away because I saw it as a symbol of letting go. I promise myself this year that I won't get so caught up in liking a guy, but instead be really great friends with the guy.

/\/\

Korea --> Doremifasolrasido --> The Meaning of Life --> My Testimony --> Sheltered Life VS Real Life --> My Future??? --> Start Looking!

So I took a trip to Korea and recently came back a couple days ago. It was so much fun!!! I have to admit that I miss it already, haha. NOT the mosquitos OR the hot, humid heat, though. Those were baddd.... -__-...

On the flight home I watched this Korean movie... erm... about 4 times... I can't remember how many times actually, but I know it was at least 3, and maybe I started it a 4th time but I think we had to leave the plane at that point, lol. It was called 도레미파솔라시도 (in English it's DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo... or DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo, I guess...), and it was based on a fanfiction that got really popular, LOL. The guy who wrote it actually helped write the screenplay, XD. I should read that fanfic somtime...

Anywayz, the point is that I totally got hooked on the movie and the music. -____- Someone save me... I fell asleep with the music in my head and woke up with it in my head too... omg this is getting annoying, lol...

Well that was random. Just needed to get it out, I guess, since the people around me would get annoyed if I started gushing about it to them yet AGAIN, XD.

You know what? How come ppl in this world don't think about why they're here? Eh? How come? Why do ppl wake up, go to work, eat lunch, go back to work, and come home for dinner, and start that routine over again the next day? Maybe they go out to have fun with their family and friends on the weekends or even weekdays... but why? What's the point? Hmm? And why do they not ask themselves that? Do they just expect to be born, live the best life they possibly can (and what is the definition of having a "best" life, anyway?), and die? Have their light dwindle and fade just like that? Huhh? Is that it? 0_o Why do they freakin do that?

Woa. A paragraph of questions. >.>;;

But I've been wondering about this a lot recently. Sure, some ppl will respond by saying that the meaning of life is just to be with the ones you love, and to make the best of what you've got. Or some might think that life is for finding who you are, and coping with whatever situation you have, and growing from that - learning from it. Enjoying life (or making the best of it) till your time comes. But is that enough? When you die, everything stops. Family doesn't matter, cuz you won't have them anymore. Who you are doesn't matter, cuz you've stopped existing in this world. All your possessions are gone. Your beautiful body, with your hair and your makeup and piercings, tatoos, stylish clothing you spent so much money on, will deteriote and be swallowed up by the Earth.

But I was also thinking... how do people continue living when they suffer so much on this Earth? I'm guessing a lot of the people alive right now have thought of suicide at least once before. Maybe only some, but those people are there. And then there are those who DO commit suicide. They were driven to such misery that they just wanted to stop feeling. To stop existing. To rest, I guess. To be honest, I've felt that feeling before too... sometimes I just want to... rest, you know? Like, it would be so much easier to end things cuz then you don't have stress, or pain, or emotional pain, or heartache... I haven't thought of suicide, but I guess that feeling of wanting to "rest" is the closest I've gotten to it. I hope it doesn't grow in the future.

In fact... I'm sure it WON'T grow in the future. Cuz I have Jesus. I had so many problems with Him and God and accepting him and all that shtuff in the past. I didn't understand Him, or why He was doing all this to us, or why He even let us hurt and suffer here... why He didn't just save everyone, cuz He has the power to do that, ya know. I just had so many questions... I just didn't understand... and I didn't like myself either... for having these problems. And deep down I felt like God didn't really love me. For the STRANGEST reason I thought that God DISLIKED me, even. I felt like I was weird, cuz none of my friends had this problem. I mean, they might've felt similar, I guess, but you can feel alienated even when you're not... -____-...

This feeling lasted for a month or two... it was torture. You don't know what it's like thinking crazy thougts like your own creator doesn't like you... I think I covered it pretty well. I'm pretty spazztic with my friends. But my moodiness would come thru sometimes...

Then one weekend I went to a praise band lock-in at my church. And I met God there. It was amazing. I opened up my heart to Him there like I hadn't done in so long, and I just felt His love and reassurance. I had to trust Him! And He loved me even tho I didn't even like myself! I couldn't believe this kind of love exists... lol every time I feel His love I start bawling, XDDD. Geez... you'd think I'd get used to it.. but nooo everytime He shows me just a little of His love for me despite my messed up mind I start crying like crazy. Lol. Oh God, thank you so much...

I came back to school after that weekend, a new person. I'm sure no one at school could tell, but it was my heart that had been healed. I was so joyous at that period. :) I swear I wanted to hug everyone there, but I tried to contain myself. I only hugged a few friends like, once or twice each. ;) I just... wanted to show them God's love. I guess that's what they mean about when your heart overflows good acts come from that...

I remember one sermon my pastor had. It was dedicated to those in the youth group going off to college. She said to remember God, and not to leave Him just cuz you were "free" in the world now. She said that everything you do has consequences... and out there in the real world, it's not gonna be small consequences like, small bouts of depression (like the ones I had! I started listening attently at that point...) that might only last a few days, maybe a few weeks. In the real world, you might get depression for years. You might even want to do suicide. College students often do... (esp. in Asia. Those poor students... I just want them to relax!!! Don't throw your precious lives away for grades... you lost ppl, please don't do that...)
It's not like once you get to college you start thinking about suicide. I hope not. 0_o But she had a point. I left church today thinking how sheltered my life really was. My life... right now I'm living in a fake world, protected by my parents and school and shtuff.... but when I go to college I'll be by myself, out in that big scary world. Isn't that a scary feeling? Exciting, maybe? Well, for me it's a scary feeling. I don't even know what I want to do with my life yet. Do you know how nervous that makes me? I don't have a freakin clue. Not. A. Single. Clue. I wanna... marry a rich guy and have fun for the rest of my life, lol. Jk jk, XDDD.

Lessee... what are my passions... music. Oohhh, music. Thank you God for giving us ears to hear and instruments to make music with. And THANK YOU for the human voice! It's so beautiful... every single voice I hear... and you ppl who smoke, you're ruining your beautiful voices! That makes me sad. I feel sad every time I hear a person who's damaged their voice with smoking... and then I wonder what they might've sounded like before... something really beautiful, prolly. Even ppl who can't sing well have interesting voices to listen to when they talk. And the goofy, squeaky voices are funny to listen to! ^^ I like them all...

Erm, anwyayz, music is a big passion. But I can't make a career out of that! What could I do? I can't play piano well enough to make it out in the music field, and idwant to teach students piano all day... and I'm def. not good enough at flute. Which kinda depresses me, actually. -___-
And I can't compose music like my friends can! They're amazing! What am I to do among a world full of so much talent....? *sigh*...

Lessee what else... (wow I'm listening to this one song by DoReMiFaSolRaSiDo on repeat right now... and I'm still not tired of it! lol... someone help me... T_T...)

I love writing. Not essays, although sometimes when I'm fired up about the topic and actually CARE about it writing essays can be interesting... even fun sometimes. But I really love writing stories. They all suck, of course, but I'm writing one right now that might turn into something... i dunno. I have low confidence in this area. And it doesn't help that some of my friends are AMAZING writers.... it makes me happy reading their stories, or pieces of their creative writing, cuz I feel proud of their ability - amazed sometimes - but at the same time I start feeling depressed about my own story, lol. That's wrong thinking, right? *sigh*... I gotta get my head straight!! >:(

And essay writing doesn't REALLY help in life, does it? Well, it depends on what I want to do... so I gotta pick something that has to do with writing essays???? God help me.... no, really. God, please help me. I don't know that the hell I want to do... this half-assed crazy idea of going to help ppl in Africa is floating around randomly in my mind, but idk if I have the courage to do it, or HOW to do it, or if God wants me to to that for Him... do you, God? I need some clearer hints here...

...what the heck is this blog supposed to be about??

...O_O...

Why am I so random.... T_T....

I guess what I was trying to say was... you have to find something to latch onto in this life. Something to give you meaning. A purpose. Otherwise, what good is life? Everything is temporary. Even your lover. Even that one person you love the most in the whole wide world - that one person you'd die for. That person will die one day, and so will you. Maybe it'll be of old age, or maybe they might end life on purpose. Maybe you'll do that one day (I sincerely hope not).

And don't just sit there and go on with your life, WAITING for that meaning to come on to you!! It's waiting for you!!! What the hell are you doing, sitting there in your chair and being miserable for the things that happened today??? Wondering if you'll ever find out why you're here!! Get the hell out of your chair and start looking already!!! It's not that hard to find why you're here. All the bad days, bad moments, and shitfilled times of your life are temporary - but so are the good ones. Don't get so caught up in the material things of life that you fail to take care of your heart... your soul. Don't let it become empty. Or lonely... Or damaged. And if it's already these things, there's a cure. Just find it. No matter how many times you fall into these things, I swear there's a cure. I've been treated, so I know.

*sigh* My posts are so random, I swear. And they don't make sense either, lol. XDDD

Well, here's to hoping I helped SOMEONE out there....

~Jenn~

Rambling as a result of boredom and music.

This is an entry in my journal I wrote a bit ago, intending to post it on here:

So. Today was pretty cool. I spent the first couple hours on neopets...I'm ashamed. I could have been working on summer assignments or something. But it's summer! Why they give us homework and expect us to still think of it as vacation is beyond me. So of course I don't want to give into such a corrupted connotation of the word vacation. I'll do anything besides homework over the summer. Even neopets. Yep, I'm getting that desperate.

I'm listening to "I Love the Night" by Blue Oyster Cult at the moment. It really does make you calm...I'm also at a party. My brother's wedding is tomorrow. Oh, my brother. I could go on and on about him, but it's kind of a boring topic. He and I have never gotten along. He didn't even say a word to me tonight. Later he'll brush it off as because he was distracted--since I know he loves making it seem like he really cares about me and my sisters, when he really just wants attention. I wish I had put that song I wrote about him to music...it would certainly give him a glimpse at why I dislike him so much. I guess it doesn't truly cover it, though. The lyrics oversimplify how everything was when he still lived at home. Thank God he moved out.

Ah, now another song. "Where do I Go" by Marie Digby. It always amazes me how much I relate to this song. I have no idea where I'm going. I wonder if it is a mistake for me to keep liking this guy. I hate myself sometimes. I hate that I'm afraid, that I have no faith. I hate that I might be totally and completely wrong about this. And I hate that I can't stop it...that I really do have no control over what happens to me today, tomorrow, the next day...I just have to go with it and accept my lack of control. Keep praying. And hoping for answers.

"To Build A Home" by the Cinematic Orchestra. I found this song so randomly, on imeem. But I fell in love with it. I have no idea why...no clear reason. Something about it gives me this naive feeling that there's always hope, even in times of sadness. The song is so simple, but so insanely deep. I love it.

Haha, disney music. It's on shuffle, by the way. And "I Just Can't Wait to be King" just came on. Disney gives me a happy, warm feeling inside, no matter how I feel at the moment. I love it :)

Now I'll skip a few songs...But I'm rambling now, and you're probably losing interest. So I'll try not to mention any more songs...it'll be hard.

So...back to my day, cause I feel like going back to it. That is where I started, right? It's weird that I got so off track...anyways. After wasting time on my computer for a while, I actually got out of the house! I met my friends at a park nearby, where we hung out, laughed, played Apples to Apples...in fact, we spent a lot of time trying to come up with something to talk about. It makes me sad that there always has to be a reason, something to say, that we can't just be content with nothing. That's definitely not clear...I wish conversations were easier than they really are. I wish people would just say, "Wanna chat?" and I'd say "Sure!" and the conversation would roll out without hesitation. I wish I wouldn't need a reason to see or talk to someone.

I wish this party would end! Or that I could leave, at least. I know a total of...13 people out of the probably 80-something people that are here (yeah, there's probably not that many). And everyone in that 13 is off branching out. I'm here alone at a table. Not talking to anyone. I suppose it's my choice, that I could be branching out with them and talking to the people here. There are lots of old people I've never seen in my life. They probably have stories to tell, wisdom to share.

Maybe I just don't want to listen.

~Stephanie

Just Dreaming

This school year went by so fast and I can't believe I'm an upperclassmen. It's weird thinking about the privileges, rights, and responsibilities I'm gonna have in the upcoming years. But I will not waste time worrying about the downsides to all of that and other pessimistic situations. I haven't seen any of my friends for almost a week and a half and a few are out of town/country. I'm gonna call one of them to see how he/she is doing after I post this blog that probably sounds like it is going in different directions or grammatically incorrect. Summer is the best time to hang out with them too because we all don't exactly have homework and tests. Although I kind of do because I'm taking an online computer class. YEAH ME!!! (I was being sarcastic there. I think it took me 2 years to finally realize when someone was being sarcastic.)


I am totally addicted to Harry Potter and the Twilight series. Harry Potter made me realize how much I liked reading. Twilight is an idealized true to life romantic fairytale dealing with vampires and werewolves. Its an amazing series and if you are trying to find a good book, I highly recommend this to you. The next installment in the series Breaking Dawn comes out on August 2nd just in time for my birthday. :)

Recently I spent some time at the beach with the family. I went boogie boarding for the first time in two years so that was awesome. We stayed until sunset and as usual I was day dreaming. My sister took pictures of the beach and the sunset for her school project while I sat down on one of those springy things to wait for a swing. Going on the swings and watching the sunset is one of my favorite things to do. While I was waiting for the swing, I started thinking about my dream boy who I can easily talk to and is always there for me. But I think that guys is going to be around for a while. I believe I'm better off being just friends with boys for the time being. Although I probably will continue dreaming about those perfect moments when the music plays and I meet my dream boy.


On another note, I finally got my guitar!!!!! XD I've gotten some of the chords down for Hello Beautiful by the Jonas Brothers. Yes I admit it, I'm crazy for the Jonas Brothers especially the youngest one Nick, but a girl can dream. It's healthier for me to crush on a celebrity I have a small chance of actually knowing rather than get stuck infatuated with a real guy because it throws me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. My 17-year-old cousin from the Philippines is arriving this Saturday. Hopefully he can give me some helpful tips with the guitar. He plays the acoustic and electric guitar. Next week we're going to Las Vegas to gamble. Just kidding!!!! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Maybe I'll meet that dream boy of mine.


/\/\

Selfish

Emma's last post definitely inspired me. It made me feel really bad about how selfish I am.

It's like every single day of my life has to revolve around ME. We're having steaming hot weather here in California--it's literally BAKING when I go outside. So I've been staying indoors a lot, trying to find ways to occupy my time. And it's really hard. Several friends are away on vacation. My inspiration for writing dwindles on sunny days like these. So I sit at my computer clicking the "Facebook" button over and over again. I switch songs on my I-tunes, listen to the same ones over and over again. Wait for someone to send me an IM message. Get annoyed and play my guitar. And then get annoyed because I'm not good enough yet--I'm so limited by my skill, even though I do know quite a bit, when I think about it.

But my point is that I get annoyed at my own boredom. I'm not satisfied with the fact that, besides the lack of things to do, I'm at a pretty good point in my life. I let the heat and sweat get the better of me, even though I have the fan on high in my room at this moment. I'm really not that hot indoors. Worse things could be happening than a prolonged period of sunlight.

I'm incredibly selfish like that. I always focus on my own problems, my own wishes, everything about my own life. And I get mad when things don't go the way I wish they would. It's like it's impossible for me to step outside my skin for even a minute and think about other people and the problems they have.

I wish I could change it...I wish I could sit here in my room and keep smiling as I strum out a new song on my guitar. I wish I could only be sad for other people. I wish I could be happy with my life and step away from it for a bit to let it run its course. Complaining won't get me anywhere--it will just make me even more annoyed.

Ahh "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz just popped into my head :] I love that song! Every time I listen to it I feel happy. It gives me hope and gives me this feeling that I need to keep enjoying life and look past the bad stuff. "Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours."

~Stephanie

A Year Ago Today

It seems that on birthdays, I am never myself. I become very passive, and let other people do whatever they want for me. It's like, the ONE day a year I have a right to be demanding, I'm not... I spend all year trying to get people to pay attention to me, but when I am finally in the spotlight, I become shy and withdrawn, and wish that everyone would stop making such a fuss over me. I have found that on days like today, I become an appeaser--"Whatever makes you happy makes me happy." I don't like this about myself. When everyone pays attention to me, I can't seem to keep my wits about me. I don't talk back, I shrug it off and hide...

Let me give you an example. This year, I am spending some time with my family in New York. Yesterday, we had a big party for one of my cousins, who just got married last month. So today, we have a lot of leftover food, including an entire white cake, which has to be frosted, but otherwise would be a good birthday cake. Tonight, my family is going over to my uncle's house, because his daughter wants to make me cupcakes for my birthday. But we were talking about it for a little while and decided, wouldn't it be better to just bring the cake we have over to my uncle's house and eat that? It shouldn't be wasted, and it'd be a hassle to go to the trouble to make cupcakes when we've already got cake that needs to be used. But we asked about doing that instead, and it turns out, my cousin wants to make me cupcakes because she wants to make chocolate, and she won't eat white cake.

I think that kinda sucks, don't you? I mean, whose birthday is it, after all? Nobody asked me what I want, they just decided that they were going to do this for me. The truth is, I'm not happy with it. I don't even really like cake. If they wanted to make me something, I say make me brownies! But it's not about me. Especially not on my birthday.

The thing that I hate most, though, is that I'm going to let my cousin be spoiled, because I'm not going to say anything about it. I'm not going to complain that I don't want cupcakes, or that nobody asked me if I wanted them to do something special for me for my birthday. Today, of all days, I avoid confrontation. Normally, I would say something--I wouldn't let someone walk all over me like this. But today, on my birthday, I'm not really myself. I'm not even going to bring it up. I'm just thankful that I'm not like this all the time...

I remember that last year I was like this too. My family was making a big stink about what we were going to have for dinner. It's tradition in my family for the person whose birthday it is to choose where they want to go out to dinner, but I kind of gave up my right that day, and let my family decide what they wanted to have. I was even okay with the crappy pizza place down the street from our house, that makes huge but mediocre pizzas for very cheap. But I was most insistant that they settled on a place and stopped fighting about it. I don't remember what we had for dinner that night, but I remember that my last birthday kinda sucked.

It's kinda funny remembering a year ago today. A year ago today, I went to visit my friend who has leukemia in the hospital. I was very shaken by the experience, because it was my first brush with real life, I think, and it terrified me. I felt so bad for him, but then, it was only the beginning. He had only been in the hospital about a month then. He has gone through so much since, in and out of the hospital all year. That was the only time I ever visited him.

A year ago today I went out to lunch with the guy I liked. We went to Pat and Oscar's, and talked about stupid things. They seemed important then, but they aren't, and they never were. I wrote a list of movies that I needed to watch on a napkin in Sharpie. I still haven't seen any of them. I dated that guy, but we broke up. I don't talk to him anymore.

A year ago today, I listened to the musical "Company" for the first time. The whole idea of the musical is that the main character, Robert, is looking for someone who loves him but is afraid of committment. By the end of the musical, he decides that he is ready to commit to someone, because he finally understands that committment and marriage is about taking someone's goods with their bads and loving them anyway. I love the musical, but I don't think I've learned anything, because I haven't been too successful in loving someone and being willing, or able, to commit to them.

A year ago today, I overheard my brother complaining about me, for some stupid reason. I realized that my horoscope predicted this, and I laughed. Sometimes, it's scarily accurate. Other times it's dead wrong. It hasn't been accurate for a while now. I don't know if that's significant or not.

A year ago today, I still had one of my cousins, my grandma, and my godfather. A year ago today, I had nothing but A's on my transcript. A year ago today, I never cried. A year ago today, I saw myself as a little sister to most of my friends. A year ago today, I had straight hair. None of that is the same anymore... I've aged only a year, but that one year took its toll on me, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday dear Emma...

Today, I found a quote from Calvin and Hobbes. I don't think it is necessarily about a birthday, but it applies. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." And that is very much how I feel right now.

Happy birthday to me.

Family and Friends... or is it "or"?

I don't know why I keep posting new blogs, especially when my posts don't make any sense. Ah well...

Anywayz, I was thinking in the car on my way home from school today, about something that I've thought about many times in the past. I want to know what exactly is a friend? What are they for? And how far are you supposed to go for your family? Shouldn't you have family AND friends? There shouldn't be times where you have to choose between the two, right?

Friends can vary as to the strength of your ties with them. Some friends are nothing more than light acquaintences you can say hi to and walk with sometimes in the halls at school, and laugh with in class. Others are closer, and they eat lunch with you and hang out with you outside of school. And still others are like your second family, and you exchange all your secrets with them, and trust them completely. (And then there are those "friends" who are actually backstabbers... but that's not the point of this post.)

Family, on the otherhand, are the people bonded to you through flesh and blood - it wasn't your choice to be related to them but you are. And families are SUPPOSED to love each other - they're supposed to be the people you love the most and stuff like that...

But there are a lot of messed up families in the world.

Some parents are neglectful. Or nonexistant... or dead. Or abusive. Etc.
Some children are troublemakers. Distant, hateful, silent. Etc.
Some siblings absolutely HATE each other. Etc.

I don't know... isn't that just a sad, heart-wrenching thing to know? Why can't all people live in lovely, loving families? But anyway, I didn't really want to talk about that... I guess I got a bit off topic.

Families (meaning parents, really, since I'm a child and am writing this from that point of view) shouldn't place barriers between you and your friends, right? If your parents are controlling the things you say to your friends, then what's the point of having those friends? It's like writing letters to someone and having someone else censor all of them. None of what you really want to say is getting through, so the receiver of the letter has no idea of the REAL you, and all that. You might as well stop writing letters...

But... shouldn't a child obey their parents? In the culture I was raised in, you're supposed to obey your parents even when they're wrong. Which I really resent, by the way... But that's my culture.

And so... if parents DID do that... what is a child to do? If they obey, they end up feeling isolated from their friends, presenting a fake front. If they refuse to obey, and the parents find out, that causes major problems at home. So, which is more important, your family or your friends? This brings to mind that saying, "Friends are the family you choose."

Am I coming across here? Does anyone reading this understand what I'm trying to say? I don't think parents should do that. But if there's an issue at home that a kid wants to talk about to their friends, you know, to have someone there for them when their foundation, their family at home, is having problems, what is the kid supposed to do? That family issue is personal... belonging to the family. So... the parents tell the kid not to tell anyone else about their problem. But that kid is dying inside to tell someone, otherwise they'll be infected by this darkness that they can't get rid of, cuz it's bottled up inside them. That's not very healthy, is it? But that kid has obligation to their parents...

I know some of you will read this and go, "Duh! The kid should tell their friends!" But my mind grew up in a family where friends are supposed to be second... where friends live on the outskirts, with a wall inbetween, while the family lives in the center. So I honestly don't know the answer to this question. I'm an American-born Asian. The "Asian" in me is clashing with the "American" in me. I just don't know the answer to this question...

~Jenn~

The effects of a beetle

"Hey, come over here and look at this," I motioned to my friend. She walked over and copied my position, bending over to look at the sandy, man-made steps near the beach.
"Um, it's a beetle."
"Yup. Isn't it cute?" I smiled. I continued to gaze at the little beetle, wandering about on the small, single step that to it was a gigantic platform. I wondered if it would find its way off and get to a less exposed area soon.
"Er... yeah," she replied hesitantly.
"Hmm... I hope it gets to safety soon. Out here it can get squished easily..." I began to watch the beetle anxiously, urging it with my mind to get off the step quickly.
"Yeah, that's true," my friend said, looking at the beetle with more concern. I suppose even though her thoughts about beetles weren't as extensive as mine, the thought of it getting squished was bad to her as well.
"Hurry up, beetle, hurry up!" I said outloud, half jokingly, and made my friend laugh.

Just then my dad, who was walking down with my mom a little behind us, caught up, and was about to walk over the step when I stood up and said hurriedly, "Dad, don't step on the beetle!"
He looked at me strangely and said, "What?"
"There's a beetle right there. Don't step on it!"
He gave me another look, but this time - it was a look of disgust. He made a noise to show his disgust with me, and lifted his leg. I watched in shock and horror as he deliberately slammed his foot on the beetle with all his might, muttering something as to what was wrong with me.

My heart tugged. He lifted his foot, and I saw the poor, poor beetle's flattened body, now a disgusting mess of bug guts and goo. I swallowed. Just a few seconds ago it had been alive and was scurrying around on the step, as I had watched, smiling. Now it was dead. Just like that.

I didn't want my dad to see how shocked I was at his behavior, or how hurt I was, so I ran ahead without another word to catch up with my friend, who had gone on ahead. All the while, I heard my father grumpily complaining about me... he was saying stuff like, "What is wrong with her? She's caring so much for a beetle!" My mother replied gently, "It's because she's so kindhearted. What's wrong with that?" I ran farther, and eventually their voices faded away.

My friend was waiting for me, and we walked along. I smiled to show I wasn't affected by what my dad did.

We had reached the part of the hike where we actually went down to the beach itself, and everyone walked along near the waves. I began to drift away from everyone else and thought of that moment where the little beetle was squished. I wondered whether my dad was right - I cared too much for insignificant things.

But part of me was angry at my father. He didn't have to kill that beetle! He could've been mad that I was so "caring," but he could've just walked on!! What was with deliberately squishing the beetle??? Did he want my heart to hurt like that? I couldn't believe him.
Then part of me was angry at myself, for my senstiveness. I was pissed I was so angry at my dad. It was just a beetle, for goodness sake. Why get angry at a human for killing an insect? Why feel hurt when an insect died? Why feel so sad that I had to hold in tears, at some parts of the beach walk? For there were times on the walk where I felt a lump in my throat, and my eyes began misting up, and I had to force myself not to cry. Anger at myself would come up, for feeling the need to cry. FOR A BEETLE!!

I didn't feel better for the rest of the walk. I became angrier when I saw my father later, at the end of the hike, whistling and being happy. He obviously didn't see how emotionally messed up I was. (again, for a beetle. WTF is wrong with me??????)

Thankfully, all 3 families went to eat at a restaurant near the beach after the hike, and my friends cheered me up (although they didn't know I was sad/angry in the first place). I laughed and smiled a lot, and all the kids in the 3 families went over one kid's house after the dinner.

I forgot all about the beetle, until the next day. I wonder how long that beetle will continue to haunt me...

~Jenn~

My thoughts on gay marriage...

I was reading a friend's blog about gay marriage, and that made me rethink some things.

I can honestly say that I was a very strong advocate against gay marriage. But now I'm not so sure. I remember that the last time I talked about gay marriage with my friends I got in a major fight with one of them... even though that had more to do with his attitude than the topic... but ANYWAYZ.

My friend's blog was talking about how everyone should have the right to be happy, and also about separation of church and state, and I found myself agreeing with him. Zomg... but really. People should be happy, right? I agree. But at the same time, I think some things should be restricted. Like, if it made someone happy to do drugs, they'd end up killing themselves in the end, even if they weren't hurting anyone else so people let them do that. Or, if someone felt happy by having sex all the time, what if they eventually contracted an STD? These aren't really realistic examples, but that's not really the point...

However, the thing with gay marriage is that I'm against it because it's against my religion as a Christian, but at the same time I just feel morally like there's something WRONG with it, even if it's not hurting someone else. But it is not my position to force others to heed my will, right? I'm just one citizen in the United States of America. It's not my right to tell others who they're allowed to marry. And it's also not my right to impose my religion on others.

So... I was thinking about that. And I've decided that I don't care anymore whether gays get their right to marriage or not. Although if I'm given the opportunity to vote on it, then I'm going to use my right as a citizen to state my opinion on it. But I'm not going to blatantly go off about it like I used to do.

But there's one thing that I can't stop thinking about. I'm imagining a world where gay marriage has been legalized, and I have a family with kids. And my neighbors are a gay married couple. I'm not gonna shun them or ignore them, but at the same time (and I'm just stating my true feelings - I can't change them, so don't pick a fight with me about them) I can't help feel a little bit... disgusted... by what they might do in the bedroom. Of course, whatever they do THERE is their choice... but Idk if I want my future children to grow up in that environment. I want my children to be open-minded and loving to everyone, no matter what, but I also want them to stay firm in the Christian beliefs, and I'm afraid that might weaken if we lived in a society filled with gay couples.

Also... California legalized gay marriage because of 4 liberal judges, who ignored the people's vote and legalized gay marriage anyway. I find a problem with that. But I'm not gonna go into that anymore...

But, I digress. The point of this blog is to say that I don't care anymore. I realize now that I don't have the right to place my religous, even my moral opinion on the law, unless it's the majority's opinion taken in a poll, or whatever. All I can do is to keep to my beliefs, and tolerate everyone, no matter their orientation.

Every time I talk about this subject I feel sick, in the stomach. I can't help it. I can't help feeling repulsed in this way. If you are gay and you are reading this, I am SO sorry for the way I feel. But I can't change this. It's as if it was in my DNA. I will treat you like any other human being I meet - I won't insult you or treat you disdainfully - but my opinion will remain. And I think we'll just have to accept that and move on. Hopefully I can still be friends with gay people. Hopefully they won't hate me for my opinion, cuz I don't hate them. But these are my thoughts...

~Jenn~

No reason to be afraid

I just started thinking this morning about fear and how so often I give into it and let it drive my life. But why? Why are humans always afraid of something? Why is it so difficult for us to master our fear?

I often get ideas about things I should do--something I should say to a person, something I should do, etc. But, automatically, I start thinking about why that's a bad idea--what could happen if I actually went through with my action. But, what's the point if we don't take a risk? And if the thought ended up in our head in the first place, surely it was there for a reason.

Being afraid is about keeping up an image. We think about doing something but then stop to wonder what other people will think of us if we actually go through with it. Will he think I'm crazy? Will he not even answer me? Those questions have flown through my head before. And sometimes I let them stop me. But I shouldn't. No one should let fear take over. If we don't try doing something--if we don't take a risk and ignore the cons for once, we won't get anywhere. And we'll miss so many important opportunities.

I need to remember that the next time I'm seriously considering taking a route that might impact how others think of me. I need to go with my instinct, and look to God and myself for advice. If I have a strong feeling about doing something, then I need to do it.

I think fear might be one of the biggest problems in the world. Hmm...I bet a lot of things can be related to fear. And to obsession and pride, and corruption. Reminds me of war...wars begin when a country or people wants power or prestige, in some form. And fear keeps it going, or sometimes makes it stop.

Now I'm just rambling, though...so I'll stop before I get too far off topic.

~Stephanie

Um... more jumbled up (but not as depressing) thoughts...

So I know that last post of mine was rather depressing, and a little too personal, but I still have shtuff I wanna let off my mind. Don't worry - this shouldn't be as depressing.

I think I'm gonna write with the stream-of-consciousness style, so this will DEFINITELY sound like rambling...

1) Do you ever wonder at how the world's connected with each other? I think we're all connected. And I know people may say that all the time - or at least commercials do, and movies with deep themes do, and all that. But no one really thinks about it, do they? Perhaps they do... I don't know.

I used to ride in the car and stare out the window, looking at nothing in particular, and thinking about nothing in particular.

And then, the car'd stop in front of a traffic light, and these people would be crossing the crosswalk in front of me, and I'd just observe them. Aren't people interesting just to look at, even? I'd see a small, plump woman, holding the hand of a child who looks to be about 6, and pushing along a stroller with a baby in it. She looks tired, and is wearily plodding along with her children. I'd wonder what sorta life she had. Not only as an adult with these children, but as a child my age. What thoughts went through her head? What kind of life did she live before becoming who she was today? Stuff like that... I love thinking like that. It makes me feel ... deep, to be honest. I get to be all sensitive and philosophical, but at the same time I'm genuinely wondering these thoughts.

2) This wasn't originally supposed to be here, but I've decided to mention that my last post was very very negative and narrowminded, and I've experienced so much in the past 48 hours or so that have changed my thinking - in fact, my whole perspective of life. But that'd take too long to explain, so just know that life is valuable, and that God loves you very very much. I don't mind if you reject that statement if you don't believe in God. I'm just saying what's in my heart right now.

Well... honestly this post is the product of starting on it a while ago, and now coming back to this draft and finishing it... so I sort of forgot all my other "philosophical" ideas and feelings I had wanted to talk about before... hehe.. ^^;; Sooooo... I s'pose I'll save that for later, when I actually remember what I wished to say.

~Jenn~

The Grass is Always Greener...

Have you ever noticed that guys who are unavailable are infinitely more attractive than guys who are? If he's in a relationship, you wish you were the girl. If he just has feelings for someone else, you desperately wish he would look your way instead... Why do you think that is? Why do girls want what they can't have? I'm still trying to figure that one out, myself. But I know it's true. And it's not just because all of the most attractive guys are in relationships. A friend of mine recently told a boy who had liked her for some time that she did not share his feelings and wanted to be just friends. He accepted this and moved on. However, my friend confided in me that though she knew he now liked someone else, she kept thinking of him as a potential boyfriend. Why? Because he was no longer interested in her! It feels like everyone does this at some point, and it's probably one of the biggest reasons that teenagers are so angsty. Oh, why doesn't he love me? Why must I be invisible? Why can't I just forget about it and get into a relationship with someone who cares about me as much as I care about them?? Unfortunately, things don't always work perfectly. And when they don't, we get angsty.... I'd be very curious to know whether guys also have the strongest feelings for girls who are not interested in them. I think that it comes from wanting... a challenge? I know it sounds funny, but people climb mountains just because they're there (at least, according to Two and a Half Men... ^^) I dunno. This hasn't really gone in the direction that I intended, but I've been thinking about that, so I wanted to get it out there. So I guess TTFN! Emma

The ramblings of a VERY confused girl...

So I've been going through really tough times for me emotionally, intellectually, mentally, spiritually, and pretty much any other way you can have a tough time. Except for perhaps physically, I s'pose...

First, let's go with spiritually.
I was thinking about life and the future and what will happen to me, and I eventually came up with this desire for life to have no meaning. That there was no Heaven or Hell. That there wasn't even a God. That I would just die and that would be that. Then at least there would be no pain or awareness, where I'd have to think and do things and undergo hardships for the sake of my faith so that I won't go to Hell.

But the thing is, I know I'm not supposed to be thinking this way. And I'm not really sure I'm thinking this way anymore, now that I'd confronted this thought in my head. For one thing, you're not supposed to believe in God so that you don't go to Hell. You're supposed to love God because He's just amazing and He loves you SO much, that you can't help loving Him back. I think I'm having a problem understanding and feeling His love for me. I think I'm having a problem truly believing I am saved. Lately I've been feeling so... just so... FILTHY with sin that I can't stand it, and thus I wished that life really had no meaning, cuz then sin wouldn't exist, right?

Another issue that bothered me was that of predestination (sorry for all the religious talk, but I really need to get this out of my head). I wonder whether that is true or not - that God would only choose certain people to be saved. If so, what if someone wanted to be saved, and believed in God, but because God had condemned him from being saved, that person had to live his life knowing in the end he'd go to Hell? Why would you live?
Then again, if that person really wasn't "chosen" then he wouldn't have even believed in God in the first place, right? Cuz God wouldn't have opened his heart....

But I can't believe this. I can't. I refuse to believe that my God can be like that... when He's supposed to be fair and just and merciful, and most importantly, loving, of ALL his creations, whether they love Him back or not.

Yet, why am I still tortured by this thought, then?

Well, that's that for my spiritual torments... though truly I could go much, MUCH deeper.

Next... emotions...
I've been really moodly lately as well. And very, very sensitive. I don't show that I've been affected by what people say to me, but on the inside I dwell on the words they've spoken long after they've said it. I remember what they said and try to interpret it as to whether they meant that to be mean or they just weren't thinking at the time. I feel hurt and yet try to give them the benefit of the doubt, and yet at the same time I find myself growing angry at what they said and I just can't forget it... sometimes for months...

One day I exploded at one of my friends for something that I s'pose was partly his fault, but also mine, cuz I had no right to be so rude and irritated... well, irritated at him, maybe. But not so rude and mean as I was...
Things escalated even after school and it got to the point where I just didn't want to see his face. But, eventually, with some prodding by another friend of ours, we talked and apologized and things are cool now.

Today my day was going superbly - until lunch time. Which is weird cuz lunch is my favorite time of the school day. Something happened towards the end of lunch that I just couldn't stop thinking about (me and my sensitivity... and my paranoia... and my being a hopeless romantic who is in fact growing impatient... XD).

Other days I try to stop myself from crying in front of someone, from the smallest thing. Perhaps my dad would snap at me for something that was clearly my fault, and I knew it, and yet I'd feel the tears welling up and my lip start to tremble. Or maybe a friend would tell me something and I felt like (s)he was annoyed with me. I hate how I'm so weak and paranoid like that sometimes.

Why do I cry? For what reasons? The fact that I am being scolded? Or being corrected? Why are those bad things? Being corrected is a good thing. Scolded for things I've done badly are good too. Those lectures or correctings will help me develop, so why do I cry? I can't really understand it myself, but I think it's cuz I just don't want to be yelled at, period. It breaks me down. I think it's cuz I'm weak emotionally. And mentally. (the mere fact that I'm speculating my emotional and mental weakness is a sign.) I can't handle criticizm, and I hate that, cuz some criticizm is necessary. I think this has something to do with my fear of failure.. but that's another story. (perfectionism... *sigh*)

Intellectally, meaning schoolwise, I'm under a lot of stress right now. A lot of the burden has been lifted since the AP exams are done with, and I just took my Wind Symphony auditions today, so that's done, and I haven't had much hw. But I have a book project for my english class that I'm totally screwed over for (probably along with the rest of my classmates, XD), and my chem grade has been steadily getting lower... I think I'm just being nitpicky again, but as I said in my very first post, I am a perfectionist. At this point in my life, it's more of a curse than a gift.

Overall I just feel very insecure about myself, my life, and the people around me. I don't really know what triggered this all, cuz I usually appear to be a happy-go-lucky girl. I guess I'm finally starting to grow up.

And guess what?

I hate it.

Jenn

Confusion

There are days when everything in the world seems perfect and wonderful. I walk around the campus of my school in an amazing mood, and I slip easily into hyperness with friends. And there are other days when things hit me, like pieces of lead, and I feel like a wanna collapse and just lie on the ground and wait for my life to sort itself out. That's how complicated my life is. But doesn't everyone face confusion and strife? It's all just part of being human, even if sometimes it feels like I'm the only one with problems. But all of us have our days, and what always comes out of them is growth of spirit and strength. It's the feeling that--if I survived this day, I can survive tomorrow too, right?

Today was kinda one of those days. It was interesting, though, because school was really great. My math test went well, APEL was very chill, etc. I was even in a SUPER good mood after school. But even when my day starts out great, there's always some little thing that reminds me of all the confusion and uncertainty in my life. It feels like that's doubled recently, if that's even possible.

It annoys me that I don't have much control over an aspect of my life. None at all, really. And it has to do with boys...who would have guessed? Boys...they drive a girl crazy sometimes, even to the point of insanity. Looking at my current situation, I sometimes feel like I'm insane. Like it's totally not worth it for me to put any more thought or hope into getting anywhere. I feel like I'm at a dead end in both directions. But the real problem is that I'm stuck there. Once I tried to get myself out and turn around or head a different way, but it didn't work. I ended up right back in the same place. And now I'm stuck there again...perhaps for good. I could try to get myself out of there, but I don't even WANT to. Even though there isn't all that much hope, I keep grasping hold of what's left, forcing it to stay within reach. I don't want to give up. But it scares me, because I'm afraid I'll end up hurting myself if I keep at it. I wonder how much this body and soul of mine can handle. Am I just being stupid? Did I already lose the last strands of hope? Or am I being wise in keeping at it, in not giving up. I suppose I haven't even tried very hard...maybe I need to put more into it. Maybe I'm missing something.

All this confusion...I feel like I didn't even cover all of it. Life is full of this confusion and strife and it's ever so complicated. But I suppose that's what makes it better, ya know? In the end, I'll be happy and content. I'll look back on this and find something good in it, even if right now it feels like the only result is hurt. I guess I just have to keep moving forward and trusting God to lead the way to my future.

~Stephanie

Love Letter Written On A Napkin

To a bestest friend,

Let me preface this by saying that you should know that I am not the kind for sappy, emotional talk. I thought that Rose was stupid for jumping off of the lifeboat the second time, and do not even get me started about the Notebook. Remember that I told you all of this while we were watching Transformers? My humor is sometimes as pointed as my two-inch heels, which, considering your height, I should not have been wearing anyway. With that being said, I cannot believe that I am even writing this.

While working Prom the other night, I got to see the couples there. As the limos trickled in from dinner and the couples braved crossing through the cold night, the oversized tuxedos draping over the girls' slender shoulders made me reminisce about you. I know that it is currently the public opinion that I am almost official with someone else, but it is moments like these when I have you on my mind. He's nice, but he's not you. When people ask about you, I chuckle and brush it off with an "Ofcourse not," but inwardly I glow.

When he walks me to my locker, I try to open it slowly so he won't see what's on the inside. It's not that my untouched APEC Study Guide is particularly scandalous to anyone other than Mr. L, but it does cover the first bouquet that you ever gave me, the first bouquet that I have ever received. And that gold music note from that dance hangs above my desk, giving me inspiration when it's late at night, the Vitamin Water is half empty, and the double spaced essay only half full.

I am honored that you chose my incoherent doodling as the cover for the binder that you painstakingly spent a Saturday afternoon organizing. I am honored that we can compile a binder twice that size with just our inside jokes.

And I hope that at this time next year, the color of your tie will match with my dress.

Love,
T.

El Oh Vee Ee

Hi. I'm Laurissa. And I'm a hopeless romantic.

Often times I daydream about my future, and it always begins with my husband. Who will it be? What will he be like? etc, etc. And often times now, I see a boy fill that spot in my head. Which is weird, because he's my first boyfriend. But it's also not so very weird, because that has happened before, where a girl marries her first love or childhood sweetheart or whatever. But I feel so very blessed to have him as my boyfriend because when you get down to it, he's my best friend. And I think that's the best way to be in a relationship. Be best friends beforehand, otherwise, in my opinion, you don't have that close a bond as you would it you just liked each other and went out. My boyfriend and I went through all that, being friends, then realizing we like each other, then being friends with that awkward tension, then finally, I just said, "Screw it, I like you but if you don't like me, then we are going to be best friends." haha. And that's how it was for a while because despite the fact that he liked me back, he had a girlfriend at the time. But they broke up about a month later, and it still took him five more months to tell me he wanted to be with me. And since then, our friendship has gotten even better. I tell him basically everything, and we both like that because it means we trust each other. Trust is so important in a relationship because you can't build love on lies. And for me to be able to tell him some things that I have, that took a huge step on my part because I take forever to trust people, but with him, I just did.

So, I think our "connection" is a lot stronger than most couples' my age... but it's also a bit different because he's 17 almost 18. He knows what he wants in a girl, and hopefully I am that... you're probably scared that a 15 year old girl is talking about seriously considering marrying her first boyfriend, but sometimes when you have that feeling, it can be right. Especially as a Christian and thinking that... and God isn't giving me any signs that I shouldn't be thinking that... it's kind of cool.

Now there's just the trouble of, will he wait for me? I want to go to college. I want to live life a little, but I want to do that with him... but can he wait that long to marry? I pray that he can. And I pray that I can. So many times I've thought, "Meh, I don't need to go to college." But I think I do. And I want to. *sigh* The future is so unpredictable.

But I do know that I want to be with him in my future. I pray that he wants me in his, too. :]

Emotions

Hi, I'm Michelle and I usually keep my emotions to myself because I don't want people to look through the cracks and see the weaknesses. Sometimes, I sound like I'm writing a song, which I usually try to do because it serves as an outlet for my emotions. Recently, I haven't been capable of writing lyrics because I've been avoiding my feelings, but now I think I know what direction I'm going in. I won't post the lyrics on here because I don't want anyone to take them.

Anyways, here is a song that I've recently come to enjoy because it reminds me of summer, which is almost here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkHTsc9PU2A&feature=related

I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that i melted
I fell right through the cracks, and i'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out i'll be givin it my best test
and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love
listen to the music at the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melody
It's your god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved Loved

So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

*scat*

I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm a sayin'is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, i'm sure
(there's no need to complicate
our time is short
it cannot wait, i'm yours 2x

no please don't complicate, our time is short
this is our fate, im yours.
no please don't hesitate no more, no more
it cannot wait, the sky is yours!)

well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la one big family
it's your god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved
open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la happy family
it's our god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved
listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la peaceful melodies
it's you god forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved..

 Emma said she was the romantic in the sense that she is in tune with others emotions.
On the otherhand, I'm the romantic who likes watching sappy romantic movies, reading
books with a cup of tea or hot chocolate on a rainy day, and imagining the love that is waiting
out there for me. I realize that love is not the perfect happy ending found in most movies because
movies are fictional and in reality, love has its ups and downs. I'm not an expert in this subject of life
and I wouldn't count on myself finding love anytime soon, as much as I want to. Yet, I'm kind of glad
that I haven't found the type of love shared between couples, where they both care about each other and
are in tune to each other's personalities, because I'm busy with school and family. But what if I'm making
that claim as an excuse to avoid finding love. I have my friends and family beside me and I'm content with
the love I have for them and receive from them. Well, that is enough from me for the moment. Perhaps,
I should stop looking for love, and it'll just come.

Until next time,
/\/\ichelle

A Treatise on Human Nature

There's going to be a lot of these in the future, I'm sure. Well, here's the first, I suppose... Today I have come to the conclusion of several things: 1.) A Tale of Two Cities has, essentially, no bad guys. No one person can be blamed for bad things that happen in the story, because they’re not doing anything to “better themselves.” They’re only doing what they feel is right, especially due to previous wrongs done to them. Like, Sydney Carton. He is a miserable wretch, and yet willing to give his life for those the cares about. He falls in love with Lucie Manette, yet feels incredibly unworthy of her love in return, because she is a kind, good-hearted person and beautiful person, inside and out. Though he knows she loves another, Charles Darnay, he one day swears her to secrecy and confesses his true feelings to her. She does not return his love, but feels compassion and pity for him (which is really all he asks of her), and wants to help him in whatever way she can. He gives her up to Darnay, because it will make her happy. He has, in all honesty, given up on himself because he has no faith in happiness for himself anymore. So he devotes his life to those he cares about--Lucie and her family (because anything and anyone that makes Lucie happy will make Sydney happy). Though he is a depressed drunk, a lost cause, someone who will ever be able to fulfill the potential he once had or do anything more with his life, he is a good person. In fact, he is probably the best human of the story, because he martyrs himself to save Charles, Lucie’s husband. He goes to the guillotine in his place to insure that Lucie’s family can go on living. For this, though he is first portrayed as hopeless, he is truly the hero of the story. For those who have never read A Tale of Two Cities, I’m sorry. I just spoiled the ending for you. But I believe that it is worth it to read anyway (though I acknowledge my bias, as it is my favorite book of all time) and my speculations are still meaningful (also biased, cuz I’m pretty sure I’m amazing =D). Now, let me turn the focus of my discussion to another, rather less saintly character, Madame Defarge. She is the wife of a wine seller, and when the bloody frenzy of the French Revolution strikes, she is gladly swept into its midst. She has seen the poorest of the poor and knows what the richest of the rich are capable of doing. So as revolution brews, she knits, always knits, and into her knitting transcribes a list of those who she deems need to be punished for crimes against humanity, once the brewing turmoil finally erupts into revolt. She is ruthless, and if one WERE to deem one character as the book’s “villain,” she would most likely be their first choice. She loses favor because she demands that one of the story’s heroes, Charles Darnay, be sent to the guillotine, because he is the son of an aristocrat who viciously abused and murdered her family. Though Charles had renounced his family and chosen to live peacefully under an English name, Madame Defarge still insists that he be killed, to avenge her family by fulfilling the curse on his house that her brother had laid with his dying words. With this demand, the reader is to think that she has gone too far (and she has). She takes matters into her own hands when she tries to kill Lucie and their child, and when she is killed in the process, the reader is meant to feel no remorse, because the innocent are safe. Or, as a well known musical puts it, “No one mourns the wicked.” But was she really that wicked? Can you really call her a villain for trying to avenge her family? The murderer was never caught, never punished for his crimes. Can you call Madame Defarge wicked in her desperation for SOMEONE to pay for everyone she loved being stolen away from her? I don’t believe you can. Certainly, you can say that she was wrong to blame Charles for his father’s crimes. No child should be punished for what their parents have done. That is Madame Defarge’s mistake. But she is not evil, and I do not believe that anyone in A Tale Of Two Cities is. 2.) Everyone is a little bit guilty for the tragedy in Frankenstein--Victor, the creature, and society. I come to this conclusion because each can be blamed for driving one of the others to do something to further the tragedy: Education drives Victor to create, but he creates something ugly because he wants to succeed as quickly as he can to get glory; society rejects the monster because he doesn’t fit in; and the monster tries to destroy everything Frankenstein holds dear and decides to wage war against humanity because he is given no love or acceptance (the list can be expanded to include more of the individual events of the book, but that’s about the gist of it). What I wonder is, do they (or we) really benefit from playing the blame game? The course of events leads from one thing to another almost as if there WAS no alternative. But there IS, isn’t there? What if Frankenstein had loved his monster instead of running away? Well, then the story wouldn’t be a tragedy, I suppose. But that story probably could not have been written in the way that this one was, because Frankenstein’s author, Mary Shelley, put a lot of her own feelings into the story of the monster. She too felt like an abandoned child, her father distant, cold and unloving, her mother dead... But back to Frankenstein. If he had cared for his creation, he would not have driven him to lash out at the world. Certainly, the monster was not beautiful, but he would still feel accepted, at least by the one person who should appreciate him most--his creator. And, truly, isn’t that the one thing all humans want more than anything else? To be accepted? To be LOVED? I think it is. Why else would we do all the things that we do? We say things to make people like us. Get into the new trends to fit in. Try to make ourselves look good. We’re trying to get in with people, because we need constant reassurance that we are good enough. Good enough for what? I’m still trying to figure that out, because I’m looking for reassurance just as much as anyone. But people long for companionship and acceptance. That’s human nature. So why is it that no matter how much we others to appreciate us, we constantly reject others before we really get to know them? 3.) Life isn’t a Disney movie. There are no clear cut good guys and villains. Everyone has some good and some bad in them. Sometimes, good people do bad things. Sometimes, people make mistakes, and mistakes have repercussions. Sometimes, there is no happy ending. I wish this lesson could be learned a little earlier in life. 4.) Speaking of Disney movies, though... Aladdin’s singing voice is totally hot. J Well, that’s a lot of my thoughts on humanity. I can think of a lot of literary allusions that apply, but I’ve only got so much patience for writing these theories down... So, I guess TTFN! Emma